not that girl

I've been going the gym the last week or so and it still stands, I hate the gym. Oh, how I loathe it. I've never been that person, certainly not exercising independently, though I don't mind a group glass, given it's fairly mild. I don't like it because I feel so out of my element. Generally, as history proves, if I'm not good at it, I'm not interested.

Aside from feeling like a spectacle, I've never gotten results worth the effort and I don't know what it is but the gym gives me severe ADD. From choosing machines, to people watching... I'm all over the place. All these things are still true, especially the dread, but I'm doing it.

I know it's got benefits beyond skin deep that my body needs and that's my driving force. Being home has made me so antsy and the outside weather isn't inviting. I just felt like moving and of it needed to be a treadmill so be it. Another positive and part of the initial push was my sleep issues. I was/am do drowsy. Couldn't sleep through the night but physically couldn't nap during the day. I've actually never been able too, unless I'm medicated. I'm happy to say sleep has come and I'm starting to feel refreshed.

Hopefully I can keep this habit going and maybe even catch a glimpse of those results we're all desperate for.

open letter

Dear Self-

It's okay...just breath. You're gonna forget to do things. Maybe you just don't feel like doing much but you have to keep going. Sure you failed at a basic pancake recipe, the house is in disarray, your still unemployed but it's okay. This is reality and fear and panic attacks are not helping.

Be calm. Remain willing. Timing is everything and when it happens it'll be right. Things are going to work out. Just breath. and trust.

-Rachel

non•pre•verbial

Not all days are at a state of peace and enlightenment...therefore neither are all posts. Currently I feel panicky about all this uncertainly. My patience is fading.

Yes, I'm scared. But I'm also anxious. I'm so ready for the next step. As much as I worry I still feel pretty good about things just tired of hanging around...literally.

I regret saying that but I'm struggling staying occupied or even focused. Unrealistically I imaged my house to be totally revamped, my body as fit as a fiddle and all those things that "if only I had the time" would be perfect. All if it would be great but I really just want a job or at least not to worry about having one.

Tomorrow will be better, I feel it.

never too early

I can't believe it's midweek and I haven't blogged yet! What in the world? I meant to bring this up before, but you know how that goes... But next holiday season I am making it my goal to do Christmas cards.

I don't know when they became a thing again or maybe I'm just old enough now to appreciate them. When I was younger, they seemed boring and tacky and only came from weird and/or old family members. Right? But I relish over each one that shows up now and I'm so anxious to finally put my ideas into actuality.

Every year I want to and every year I don't and I'm always so disappointed. I have photos of us that I intended to print to cards but failed to do so. Sometimes it was about time or cost but honestly it was mostly, if not entirely, fear of documenting my personal flaws (weight gain and childless). I know, ridiculous but I'm serious. In the back of my mind I was waiting for the "right time". Many, many years later hear we are and not a single card to show for it and that's sad.

I'm super excited too... Even if it is almost a year away.

the other thing

A few months back I had a doctors appointment and even posted a few traumatizing details. I figured I'd extend an update on that as well. The update is, that there is no update.

When I left my job I also left insurance coverage. That played a major role in why I stayed as long as I did. A lot of the treatment I need to pursue would be extended, without guarantee and expense. Luckily I'm not on a rigid timetable yet.

It was a big decision. Some days I'm more ambivalent about that than anything else. I knew putting my "dreams" on hold would be tough... some days are harder than others. That's life. But I do feel healthier minus the stress and nerves. I am fortunate enough to be able to affords medications and have an awesome doctor prescribing with limited visits.

Just checking in.

the happening

The week was pretty active in the job front. I'd honestly only applied for a few positions to date. I really want to find what's right for "me" and not settle if I can help it.

I started to get emails and calls to set up interviews, some poising ions is applied months ago and practically forgot about. For the most part they're just prescreening but it's a step in the right direction. I know it doesn't guarantee me one of these spots but I'm pleased to feel like I'm making progress.

I will say true job hunting is not for the faint of heart. Constant judgment, uncertain questions with non specific answers, rejection... Certainly not something I hope to experience long term. It's also a lot of work, which is fine since my current job is to find a job.

Just to vent, and I know many others (the general population) agree, here's some current frustrations...

*I'm over-qualified
*I'm under-qualified
*Having to generate usernames and passwords at all these individual sites
*Having to fill out applications with information clearly on my resume, by the way if my resume didn't include that information I shouldn't be hired anyway
*Not giving the opportunity to attach cover letter/letter of interest
*Ambush interview phone calls
*Not listing hiring ranges
*Limited recruitment
*False promises of calls, emails, time frames etc...
*Interview panels that exceed 3 people
*Non supervisory experience (shame on me for promotions in the past?)

just like that

and just like that
options appear
brighter paths are getting closer
reassurance hugs tight
plans float out the window

and just like that
my eyes adjust
priorities march into place
timing triumphs ideals
peace reigns

the no-schedule trap

I'm falling deeper into a pattern of "no schedule". I still managed to feel little rushed and overwhelmed but I know it's because I'm not really being all that productive. I'm working out of the habit of telling people that I'm "busy" too. It's a natural, knee jerk response. Not all of the time, but a lot of times when people say they're busy, to me it's almost insulting because it makes it seem like those people are those events are lower on the priority totem pole. Feel free to agree to disagree. Technically, I'm not that busy, or at least I shouldn't be if I manage my time better.

I will say it.is.glorious! For a girl with a passion for planning, admittedly I'm really enjoying myself right now. But that glitter is going to rub off, maybe even has a little bit already, so I want to make the most of this time. I'm working on a schedule to keep me up and on my feet and at a respectable pace. I've got a spreadsheet going for items that I've been planning on selling for years, no joke years etc.... When I start working again I know I won't have time continue this type of rewarding diligence and I'll be kicking myself so it's really for the best.

Trying hard to blog more frequently, consistently, and most importantly, sincerely. We don't have Internet at the house so it makes it a little tricky. A lot of my writing happens at the library. Then there are many post like today, done on my cell phone. Not impossible, but certainly not ideal. Hopefully this explains a lot of the grammar, spelling, template errors. The plan is to be back tomorrow (routine, routine, routine) and produce a "real" post.

reclaiming the puzzle pieces

I was thinking this morning about going through blessings and items of thankfulness alphabetically... Possibly in February since there's only 28 days, that way I can cover 26 letters plus a couple other random posts, since I'm so good a those.

More organically though, I'm sitting here completely overwhelmed by my fortune and my ability to see it. I wish I were good at engaging in my lovely life everyday but I often fall short.

Thank you Lord for...
possibilities, puppy dogs, desires, hard working husbands, spicy chicken sandwiches, friends worth missing, headbands, sparkling cranberry candles, four-wheel-drive, strength, fireplaces, a sense of humor, hot tea, and Psalms 127:2b.

turning tables

I briefly touched on this the other day... My dire effort to be fluid and just role with things. It's so hard, people. This is just one of many regards this is another way my husband and  I are polar opposites. Its' part control; part anxiety; and part social disorder. Not only do I feel an intense need to be physically prepared there's a mental component as well. When he burst in with a last minute plans I hit freakout mode. Not good.

Well, i'm getting better. The other day he needed to drive out to get something and wanted me to join. Great, quality time, right? Wrong. I hadn't had time to process it. I didn't want to be in the car for 4 hours there and back and it was already late. What about my plans? After  I wrestled with all my misgivings  I decided to go. Apart from everything it felt like the right choice even though not entirely desirable.

Half an hour in we hit major traffic. I felt doomed. But wasn't. He pulled off the highway and wehad an  incredible  sushi dinner, walked around Target, stopped for ice cream and just talked and talked and talked.

It worked out... and better than I could have imagined and more importantly, could have "planned". I let go of my issues and wants (if even just for a night) and gave into someone/something else. It felt amazing too. Not just cause things worked out in my favor but because I was putting someone else in front of me even though it was hard for  me to be spontaneous. The next night we decided to attempt the trip again and though it was a long trip it was just as enjoyable as the night before and a lot easier to agree to. 

rise up

I rarely look back at old post, practically never. I know myself too well. Sure comparisons are fun but I'm a tough personal critic. I'm not a flashy blogger, just sentimental one. Moments and self revelations are worked through on here and left. It gives me a chance to unburden and continue otherwise I relive and overanalyze all the bits and pieces of my life and it keeps me from living it.

I broke my own rule to see where I've come, what I've achieved and what is still in progress while prepping for 2014. I still have some basics such as lose weight, travel more, find a job etc... But there are (5) things, that if nothing else makes it, will change me from the inside out and I'll strive to make my top priority.

1. clarify: revisit what God has called on my life

2. purify: stop living a double life

3. simplify: decerning is it a good thing or is it a God thing

4. modify: make changes I need to make

5. magnify: the One

rain check post, please

So things haven't exactly gone as planned, go figure. Some unexpected setbacks had kept me from my blogging goals. On New Year's Day a few hours after I woke enjoying some indulgence {Starbucks} three consecutive things happened (1) I realized I had a horrible earache. (2) One of my favorite shirts had a rip in it, seriously like in the top five. (3) I'd lost a credit card.

So the shirt was pitched, and I'll just buy a new one as a consolation. The credit card got canceled, just awaiting a new one. But the earache  was much more sinister. After self-diagnosis, and then a meeting with my physician we agreed that it's a sign my shingles are trying to make a very unwelcome return. Lord help me if it does. Since then I've had a tremendous amount of sensory nerve pain. The current goals: try to remain calm and take care of myself.

My "resolution list" is coming along nicely and hopefully I'll be able to post that and get some other entries in as time and my health allow. Happy New Year!