Getting real…

I’ve been fortunate enough to have siblings. One brother. One sister. Sort of got lucky having one of each I guess. My role in the family has always been somewhat reversed with my mother, for details please see previously published posts on my “old” blog. Kidding…kinda. But seriously, it’s an odd arrangement to some but “normal” to me. This post is about something that bothers me daily. It hurts me, embarrassing me and I wish more than anything it would resolve. My relationship with my sister.

When the time comes and I have a child of my own I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure they have a sibling(s). Some families prefer an only child and I’ve got no issues with that, there are undeniable perks and we all have the right to do as we wish. I just happen to have experienced some incredible benefits of having siblings that I hope my future child can have the benefit of experiencing as well. (Allow me to point out I am not pregnant. Future meaning “possible” “one day”.)

My sister and I are very different. The factors that have created a strain range from paternity, age, sibling order, religion and overall life choices. Differences are good. Kind of the sprinkle of zest added to the mix of life. My closest friends and I are very different in many ways… It helps created depth, widen perspectives, challenge ideals…positive, positive, positive. However in family differences are what often widen the gap in this case destroys something that should be unshakable. Yes, I know that relationships are fragile but this family unit had been through so much I would have hoped it would’ve been able to endure.

She is a difficult person. She grasps onto things and manipulates real life to a dangerous degree. She holds hostage other family members in order to force conflict. The cruelest words you could imagine have been spoken. It’s tough to talk about and it’s a long list moments and exchanges and regrets…I lose sleep over it. I get along with people for the most part. I’m very accommodating and grace through most social situations but I can’t get a grip on interacting with my sister. She hasn’t spoken to me for a number of years with the exception of a random instigation.

The point is there a so many thoughts and feelings I’ve tried to express that have been disregarded or poorly delivered, even overshadowed by miscommunication. I’ve got to get this out of my head and forgive myself for mistakes, take responsibility for what’s mine, stop questioning myself and realize that I can’t make someone accept me whether I feel like I’m deserving of it or not.

 

I want you to know that just because I’m different than you doesn’t mean I think I’m better than you. I know childhood was rough but I was there having the same childhood as you. Don’t let it hold you back more than it already has. Tuck those memories away and use them for fuel and instruction.

They say dream BIG, think BIGGER and that’s exactly what I want for you. When you make choices that hurt you it hurts me because I want success, love, and stability for you but choices plan a large role in determining that. Trust me, I’ve made poor ones, whether you believe me or not. I hope you surround you and your daughter with people that are encouraging you to achieve what you want in life and will still be there with you went failure and uncertainty try to get in your way. I’m always here…