my heart is certain

…These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I'm thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give part 2 of my confessions…

In case you aren’t aware that’s the intro to an Usher song. When I sat down to write I was opening with a confession and just like that I started serenading myself and figured I’d share. I’ve waited to bring it up because I’m still processing it and wanted to see how I feel before I invited everyone into my business. Last Thursday I dropped my guy off at the airport because he’s doing wilderness training in Alaska until May 22nd. Quick math, yeah, it’s almost a month. Uh huh, I know it’s a long time. 

I married and adventurous person and an opportunity came up for him to fulfill a dream and I support it. My brain, budget and sensibility are somewhat skeptical but my heart is certain. Though I have absolutely no desire to camp on a glacier and live off the land I am utterly excited for him and this experience. 

So many people have asked how I feel about it. I love that by the way. I’m so fortunate to be surrounded by people that generally care about me and it’s awesome. Right now I feel fine. I’m an independent, capable person so I know I’ll be okay but that’s not to say it won’t be hard.

He’s in the wild with a 60lb pack and pulling 60lb sled and incommunicado for 20-some-odd days. Please pray for his safety, there’s extreme elements present and it’s a strenuous trek. Also prayers for me that when days seem hard or uncertainty clouds my peace I get the reassurance I need.

everything in between

The amount of planning required for a getaway is borderline obscene. At least for me. The planning start weeks, even months prior and it’s down to the most minuscule detail. I can’t relax until I’m literally on the plane in the car, depending on mode of travel.

Me:

-Picking the destination and probably my favorite bit. I spend so much time researching and reviewing; I swear I was a travel agent in another life.

-Book it along with flights and seat assignments. Don’t forget the travel insurance!

-Find someone to dog sit or give in and sign them up for a kennel. They’ll need to be packed up as well.

-Somewhere about this time it’s the shakeup and goal setting for looking good. This step will inevitably fail and be readjusted and forgotten overlooked multiple times prior to the trip and I’ll  hate myself later for it.

- Soon enough the shopping will commence, you might recall the swimsuit shopping incident of 2013. Of course it wasn’t budgeted in the vacation itself…though it really should be.

- Get a tan. I don’t care if I’m going to Antarctica, I will get my glow on! The last few years I’ve made the healthy decision to stop fake baking (even though I secretly love it) so I’m left with self tanners that are oh so tricky and if not delicately executed can be disastrous. This means I start a slow base over several days. It’s very scientific…

- Set aside ALL potential clothing options. Manage to narrow the original 20 to 10 outfits. This fete requires precision and decisiveness. Just for reference I’m only gone like 5 days. Then set aside.

-Two days prior I have my wax appointment. Yes it was just a brutal ever that's why it's so funny when you see on TV and movies because it is ridiculously painful and I can't imagine doing that on a regular basis but it's over and I survived it. Note: If you go to a Brazilian for a bikini wax you will leave with a Brazilian wax. #truestory #ithappenedtome.  

-Right after that I have to get my nails done. Too soon and the nails will chip. Also taking into account I wouldn’t subject those poor women to my hairy legs pre-wax.

-Remember that pile of vacation clothes. Try everything on. You’d be surprised things don’t look the way you imagined or what fit last week doesn’t right now. This will eliminate the items that stay in your suitcases untouched, unworn getting unnecessary wrinkled.

-The last step may or may not involve a breakdown along with an argument because your husband fails to comprehend why you need 10 pairs of shoes. We did eventually compromise and I only took 8…It was risky but it all worked out.

-Measure and weigh the suitcases and don’t forget to do your online check in.

-Before, after and in between I work a full time job and had extended hours to complete as much as possible, also an attempt to log extra hours.

Him:

-Informed we’re taking a trip.

-Night before he asks how many days we’re gone. I then watch as he grabs 5 t-shirts, swim trunks, underwear, pair of jeans, flip flops and tosses them in a suitcase, declares done and hops in bed…Apparently I am responsible for his toiletries too.

This is a condensed version but you get the idea and see the obvious imbalance. I’m happy to say it was worth it all and hope to get some post/pictures in of the trip. It was much needed and in confidence I’m already planning the next one in my head.  

...on my way...

sovereignty

I've got quite a bit to say but it all seems kind of frivolous at the moment. I'm getting ready to leave on vacation and decided I won't be blogging again until I'm back. I'll leave you with an excerpt of my devotional today. I remember reading it last April 16th but I don't remember it having the impact it had today.

I AM CALLING YOU to live a life of thankfulness. I want all of your moments to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My sovereignty. I am the Creator and the Controller of the universe. Heaven and earth are filled with My Glorious Presence.

When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think you could run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective, it may look like I am mismanaging things. But you don’t know what I know or see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms, you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to live by faith and not by sight. I lovingly shield you from knowing the future or seeing into the spirit world. Acknowledge My sovereignty by giving thanks in all circumstances.

Isaiah 6:3     2 Corinthians 5:7     1 Thessalonians 5

shine bright like a diamond

Some people just shine; I’m talking mesmerizing-ly, blinding, Edward sparkling in the sunlight type of shine. Watching people in their element and showcasing their ability is one of my favorite pastimes. I feel like a talent scout at times because I’m pretty good at noticing others natural dazzle.

The only problem with this appreciation is that I tend to compare... and based on comparison I start to limit my own abilities. I feel myself recoil. I consciously begin to hold back because of my own feelings of inferiority. No bully broke my spirit it was self enforced. 

I want to appreciate a luminous quality in someone else without acknowledging my own short comings. As any good parent, friend, spouse will remind you “we’re all good after different things”, uh huh I agree and I’m not discounting them but when desire results negating myself it’s worrisome.

Honestly if you look for those bad habits they're easy to spot. I see it a lot where I work. Somewhere along the line people were either told or of their own accord decided that their smile wasn't great. They cover it with their hands, adjust the way they speak to keep their smile hidden... It becomes second nature and even after restoration they are still using the same tactics. It's actually really sad to witness.

Be careful how you are talking to yourself

because you are listening. -Lisa M. Hayes

I saw this quote the other day and it clicked. It made me feel happy because obviously people relate but a little sad knowing that I'm very guilty of putting myself down. I need to keep this in mind because the things I say about myself or think or feel aren't right and more importantly they aren't true.

1,2,3, breathe

 

I am safe. Sheltered. Beyond reach. The comfort is constant and faithful. The peace is coming.

a power of wills

I will.
I will...try harder.
I will...forgive myself.
I will...let people in.
I will...overcome my obstacles.
I will...pace myself.
I will...match my determination with my goals.
I will...find strength in others.
I will...surround myself with excitement.
I will...enjoy every bit.
I will...learn to accept.
I will...remain calm.
I will.

Cheat Sheet: Baked Brie

I grew up in a very young home. We were a busy bunch, figuring it out as best as we could and just trying to get by. Because of this we didn’t have very many traditions. That’s something that bothered me and I hope to create my own “isms” and start some things that’ll will turn into traditions. I don’t imagine they’ll be too customary but I love when something has a routine feel or takes you back to a memory.

In my house, we like cheese. Technically I shouldn’t eat cheese but that’s not likely to happen. We consider ourselves connoisseurs and we “buy it from the nice part of the store”. Quick, what is that quote from? An absolute fav is brie and we take is a step further and transform it to baked brie and that’s by far the best way to serve it.. well in my opinion.

This is something that we have for a late lunch in the summer or an appetizer when company is expected. It’s quite rich and filling. It just feels special and makes me feel a bit grown up. Another beloved occasion is sharing it with special friends and a bottle of wine.

The recipe:   

1 round Brie cheese
1 sheet of pastry puff
1-2 apple(s)
1 package of crackers

Optional:
chutney, jam/jelly, fruit past
1 egg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cook for 30 minutes.

 

This is simple, I promise. Basically your just wrap your cheese up, bake it and serve. Viola! But I’ll do a walk through just to be safe. This recipe is pretty user friendly but I do like to dress mine up a bit.

 

 

You're looking at this pic and thinking "Hmm, what's that to the right?" they're dates. I like to chopped them up and add them. Then my husband reminded me that I am not in the majority and most people don't like dates or even know what the are soooo I skipped it. 

Also, don't worry about the brand when it comes to brie. I tend to purchase whatever one is on sale. Never met one I didn't like. As you can see I went with Kroger because it tends to run about a $1 less than the others.



  

There's some white, chalky stuff on the cheese called a rind. Leave it on, don't worry it's edible. You'll probably need to thaw your pastry puff. Check the package for details. I like to roll it out a bit and I think it makes it easier to handle. If I don't have pastry puff you can use a crescent rolls or pie crust pr any doughy based item on hand. I've done all sorts of alternatives but this is by far my preferred. Wrap it up entirely. If it's not completely covered the cheese will melt and ooze out.

 

 

Woah! Extreme close up! Sorry Wayne's World reference. This is my mind on a daily basis. Here comes the optional bit...I like to brush mine with egg wash. Put simply, an egg beaten with a splash of water. You brush it on an it gives it an added hint of flavor and a nice golden color. Do it, don't do it, whateva. Bake it for 30 minutes at 350 degrees and that's that.

 

 

Let it cool for about 5 minutes during which you can slice up your apples. I suggest green apples because their tartness pairs well with the brie. I've also served with strawberries and grapes, predominately when company is around because we're happy with just apples. Again with company, I'll serve with a chutney to spreed on crackers. It could be anything you have on hand but if you wanna go all out, do something fun like a jalapeno and berry blend. Not sure how available they are but my store has a number of funky spicy/sweet blends. I'm just having a lazy night so I opted out.

 

About now I would insert a picture of a water cracker with some brie and an apple slice on top but we got a little over excited and frankly after the first dig it's not at all photogenic.

 

 

 

 

bee tee dubs

Something I love about blogging is that you can go back and have a record of the forgotten day to day. Something I hate about blogging is that you can go back and have a record of the forgotten day to day. Get it? I’m being serious here… Doing this allows me to reflect and see how far I’ve come. But doing this also shows me how little seems to have changed and I start to abhor my “voice” because I seem very whiney. Sorry to disappoint but today’s post is more of that. I try to curb my emotions but the thing is that I am melodramatic. It’s just me being myself so if thoughts and feelings seem a bit theatrical that’s simply my natural disposition.

I had to go swimsuit shopping this weekend. Bet you know where I’m going with this. There are few things I despise more. The thing is that you kinda need a bathing suit in the Bahamas. I live in Colorado so it’s not really a wardrobe staple. To be honest this wasn’t the vacation I had planned. Don’t get me wrong I’m as excited as ever and worked hard to get to go but ideally I planned a trip that wouldn’t require showing as little skin as possible. I was intentionally avoiding the beach. All part of the more clothes good, less clothes bad mind set. Unfortunately plans changed, more on that later, and we didn’t have the time needed to go on the other trip but we’re still going somewhere and that’s what counts.

To say it was hard feels like an understatement. Of course I knew I wouldn’t be enjoying myself but I didn’t plan on having a mini breakdown that I only hope with time becomes a mini breakthrough. You know those testimonials you hear when people know it’s time for a change and become unstoppable? I hope mine comes soon. I’m waiting for my willpower to match my desire. Sure this is a physical disappointment but I think it’s a product of a lot of other things and largely a control issue. I’m unable to control me body’s overall health but can’t I at least look good? I feel broken in so many ways.

Light is piercing but darkness, well it’s a creeper and that’s exactly what it did. Disgust turned to frustration and soon brought tears and then I was just plain angry. I don’t want to promote body shamming and go on and on about it but I think we all probably struggle with it at different severity's and feeling grotesque is not a way to live. The crying advanced to sobbing. It was so much more than being uncomfortable. I sat on that cold, cramped bench and felt exhausted. I was crying because I missed my body, not some super-model-media-approved body but my body. I don’t feel like me. I cried for my youth and I cried for a lot of things I didn’t realize were bothering me at the moment. I was utterly defeated and felt caught in another cycle.

Plans to exercise, to only eat salad, and not buy new pants because the current ones don’t fit. Maybe it’ll work, maybe I’ll lapse again. It was time to retreat home so I hopped in the car for my hour drive home, cranked FUN up deafening loud and sang the entire album off key and the top of my lungs. My face wet from tears and that was it. I survived but the problem is still there and I dream of achieving my goals. I want to be able to worry about real issues and of course still have bad days but not nearly as debilitating. I long for balance and peace and acceptance of myself, from myself. That’s all I can do, make a plan and try.


　

 

my own personal village

I got to writing today and as usually was going in numerous different directions and after the umpteenth tangent I realized I'd better work through my thoughts and break it up into multiple posts. It’s exciting having something to say but aggravating when you can’t figure out a way to get your point across. I got to thinking about my village. You know that saying “it takes a village”” It’s generally in reference to child rearing but I don’t think it stops there. I feel like we’re constantly evolving, growing and with all that change you can’t limit a phrase like that. Without out my village there’s no way I would have made it this far. No way, no how. They didn't disband when I left adolescence either, maybe there was a shift and a regrouping but I've always been surrounded. They’re there. I see them. I feel them.

As I was writing I was getting irritated trying to organize my rapid thoughts and pooh-poohing my own abilities when I thought “who cares?” I know my village won’t. I guess you can comprise a village based on your own personal needs because I know I’m better off than a lot of others and whom they choose to count on. Mine has mastered the art patience, they wait vigilantly to come to my aid with wisdom, comfort, encouragement; whatever the need is. I even have a select few that see the signals beforehand and spring into action. It takes a lot. I’m not one dimensional and I often try to act independently so this team, this village, is an incredible group that I rely on every.single.day.

My village…I have individuals present that are experiencing similar situations in life. They march alongside and in some overwhelming moments they’re the only ones I allow to help. I personally find it hard not to hurt when others hurt so when there’s a mutual understanding that’s often the only way I feel comfortable unloading.

My village…The newbie’s, they have bright, new takes on everything. Sometimes those fresh takes are the easiest way to affirm a lifelong bond.

My village…Out in front are the people I respect and love that they are experiencing life at the absolute fullest. Seemingly shielding me with their joy and changing my perspective about each battle. Some people might keep friends like this at bay because comparing seems unavoidable but I enjoy having these people around because it reminds me of what life could be for me one day. 

My village…The long time residents that just “get it” comprised of mostly family or friends as good as.

My village…The unsung heroes that quietly remain camped out but ready despite time or conflict or often being overlooked. They are sometimes the most unexpected guard and powerful ally you almost forgot you had.
I think about these people often. They are my courage, my strength, my direction, my shelter etc… all rallied around me. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

super short and kinda sweet

I was hoping for some extra time today. I feel like writing something but alas time is limited at the moment. Here’s my quick check in…a day of…

Silliness. Mine was Burgundy Hummus. Pretty rockstar sounding huh, or maybe a celebrity baby name?

Indulgence. Warning, I was a cheapskate and got the off brand first. No sir, not got at all.

Question. I have this shirt and every time I wear it my husband says "nice rack". Honestly I didn't have a clue but think I get it... Is it meant to be suggestive? Not sure I'm comfortable wearing it now.

 

Reminder. I love a little reminder to keep my chin up and my eyes forward.

 

Bun. Because we all need to catch a break and have cooperative hair some times.

 

Psalm 113:9

In case you were wondering, I haven’t had a period since Valentine’s Day. Nope not pregnant either. I’ve spent over thirty dollars checking and double checking just in case I’m that girl on an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant or Medical Mysteries. I’ve gone longer. Seriously people, I’m taking triple digit cycles. Of course I’m mad I’m not pregnant but even more upsetting is that my body is continuing to act up. When will it be right? I’m a crazy person these days. I can barely stand to be around myself but it’s not like that’s an option.

Truth: My hormones are out of control and my body is suffering. My faith is starting to question itself and my patience needs to be replenished. But another truth: It’s that time of year again. This was my due date. This was my baby’s birthday. It’s undeniably difficult. Three years is a long time. So much happens in that amount of time, fun stuff. The most fun.

I’ll get through this; the added factors are just taking a toll. One thing that makes me happy though, like Cheshire grin and watery eyes, is thinking about when it does happen…That’s going to be the best day, followed by even better ones as each milestone approaches.

on the hunt

Last week the server went down at work. Like kuputz, done. Left work on Tuesday and walked into a disaster on Wednesday. We didn’t have access to anything and no one seemed to get the gravity of the situation. We had urgent cases with no names, numbers, records, nothing…We were blind. Regardless of the nature of the business tensions are high when something of this magnitude happens. This also explains the less than stellar posts from me last week.

Here’s the thing, I’m looking for a new job and I have been for awhile now. I don’t know why I haven’t been more public about it. So imagine already being unhappy and then being thrown into a situation that just magnifies all your frustrations and further strains an already delicate relationship. HmmMmm.. it was pretty, pretty, pretty bad. I wish I wasn’t so high strung; it makes things slightly embarrassing after the fact. But that’s who I am, emotive.

I think part of me is reluctant to share because I don’t feel like I’m that person, that person that goes from job to job. I feel like I’m this overzealous, extremely dedicated employee that is looking for long term employment, I’m talking a thru retirement type thing. I have excelled at all my positions, made lasting friendships but I still can’t find the right fit. It almost feels like failure so of course I don’t wanna talk about it.

I joke about being a stay at home wife and I’m sure I’d enjoy it but I seriously do want to be employed. I want something where I can be appreciated and compensated and fulfilled. Oh and if I could be challenged too it’d be an added bonus. It has been trying. I thought about starting over and trying something else but I’ve been at it so long people see it as a drawback and we’re so geographically limited here, that options are few. I thought about waiting a little longer so the timing would be better but I’m not sure that’s an option any longer.

I also feel guilty. I’m employed which is such a blessing and it just so happens to pay well. So yeah, I feel like a jerk when so many others are struggling. I wish I was someone that just let stuff go. Clock in, clock out and not bring work home but that’s never been me. I’m too involved and care more than most.

There have been a couple positions that have come up but after saying I’m the perfect candidate they can’t risk hiring me and offending my doctor. These aren’t even really competitors or colleagues. I feel trapped. I feel like it’s not fair because I’m the right person for the job but am retrained by politics.

Am I rambling? Yeah I think I am. Certainly not a pretty post but I need a breakthrough and if I’m going to be putting it all out there might as well throw this out too. Prayers for patience, clarity, direction and opportunity would be wonderful.