Disclaimer:

I write but I do not consider myself a writer. I don’t feel that I am particularly good at it but it won’t stop me or at least I don’t plan on letting it. There’s something that is deep within me that causes me to use this form of expression. My mother writes. My sister writes. Both of which I feel are spectacular at it. I say this because at times I might post something poetic or even lyrical in nature and that is nothing more than me attempting to “deal”. There’s no great capacity or need for recognition. If anything I feel a little bit overexposed, like singing in public except I’m not referencing someone else’s thoughts or feelings…these are mine and that, to me, is petrifying.

The other day I sent a string of emails to a handful of friends about this new blog. It was on my heart and I knew it was necessary. That was kind of a big deal. I talk, I joke, but I don’t share. I’d give you the clothes of my back if you asked but to really express what I’m thinking or feeling is utterly private. Well turns out it holds me back and I miss out.

As soon as I sent the emails I regretted it. Like EEEmmediately (Note: I know it’s spelt “immediately” but I needed a visual/phonetical change for emphasis.). Panic set in because it was too late. One by one as people contacted me I cringed. Literally squinted when reading responses to somehow avoid actually reading what they said. Why is that? What am I so scared of? So I started asking myself these questions…Playing scenarios out in my mind and this is what came of it.

 

Vulnerability.

Compassion.
Connection.
Sympathy.
Support.

Well hang on a second…Why are these something to fear? They don’t seem negative at all. Yet every time I post something, even the harmless stuff I chastise myself. Because of its quality, genuineness, or whatever uncertainly is assaulting me at that moment.  

So I’m going to continue working through my life. It’s filled with laughter, ideas, change, doubt, as well as heartbreak and I’ll do my best to open it to all the people that care about me.