Thursday, March 28, 2013

getting my sea legs



Yesterday was chaotic from the get go. Minor crisis at work, sadly still unresolved, but one thing caught my eye and I had to post it. I just kept repeating it to myself because it was the only thing keeping me going. It was true and didn't require any addition fluff or words from me, thus the single picture without caption and the "plain and simple" post. 

During all this blogging I've managed to advance from just dipping my toes into the water to check the temperature to a full on submerged baptism. In case you were wondering the water's nice. Hoping to get more comfortable in this new environment.
 

Sometimes I swim like a fish.
Or float in the calm waters
I’ve been swept away by the current.
Even shaken up by crashing waves
Whether I'm adrift or paddling; choppy or placid... I'm still here.

All this sharing has been refreshing but still challenging. Once I can determine what and when I want to share things I'm hoping to get better I writing them. It hasn't been so much about the quality as it is about the delivery. Over thinking the grammatical and verbiage are secondary at this point. Just bare with me and we'll find a balance soon.

 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

running in circles

Sometimes I think about inviting you to my blog. It sounds silly because it’s public but if you don’t know it’s out there I imagine you won’t be able to find it. Maybe it’s just another method of communication, the possibility of getting things out there. An opportunity for you to hear who I really am, inside. Then I think how utterly absurd it all sounds knowing that I will regret it right away and not just because I’m shy about some things but because it’s you. 

It's a painful relationship so I know what's to be expected because it never seems to change. We’re in such an awkward phase right now. I really feel like we’re heading toward where we were a few years back… We weren't even speaking and that worries me. Who’s to say we’d be able to recover from another falling out? Though you choose to believe it all happened for petty reasons it was because I needed to recover. to heal. and we both know that.

There's a lot that I don't understand…How is it that when I come in town you can't make any time for me? It's really only twice a year sometimes only once. You put so much effort into avoiding me, its blatantly obvious, and I continue to make it so easy. I'm so understanding. I’m so forgiving. I'm so flexible. I'm so amenable. I’m so accommodating… but still you avoid me… and it hurts. It hurts more than I want to admit and hurts more than most things I’ve experienced but it continues. I don't understand why you don't want to see me.
When I over-analyze and really think about it, I think I understand why you don't want to see me. I’m sure it has something to do with shame, inferiority or guilt and all those things and I try not to magnify or acknowledge them. Maybe seeing me opens those doors, and those moments become so fresh that they’re debilitating. But the thing is that those are your issues, your emotions to overcome and I feel like I’m the one who is made to suffer. I don't want to justify your behavior any more.

I see you going through some tough times with your own parents and really dealing with emotional issues and I hear you out and try to comfort you. But in those times I realize that  you can feel and see and care and have just an overall awareness of the people around you. But your concern isn’t for me. All that worry is put into your other relationships, the ones you neglected before and are just now feeling the regret of time lost. Why can't you realize the same thing is happening to us? But that’s what you continue to choose. Not your daughter but other people, yourself, again and again.

I'm still trying to be heard. I'm still trying to be seen. That's probably why I want you to see this blog. It is constant “Hey mom, look at me! Watch me! Hey mom! Hey mom!” moments and I need reassurance. I’m trying to earn something that should be free and in a way I want you to earn it from me too… But truth is I’ve never given ultimatums or requirements. It’s already free and ready. I’m not looking for this relationship to be something that it's not or something that it never was and probably isn't built to be... I just need to be wanted loved.

Monday, March 25, 2013

shooka-shooka shine down

The weekend…just as unproductive as the last. Even though I live in a wintery climate I was anticipating warmer weather as much as the next person, maybe even more so. The late season storm kept me from accomplishing what I had planned. With the continuous snow and highway closures my best option was to stay at home. I’m very much a homebody but when I finally have the focus and energy to get stuff done and I can’t, I get antsy. Those energy burst are few and far between so I try to capitalize on them but they always come at the most inopportune time, like in the middle of the night or in this case a blizzard. Though conditions changed my plans and my pace, there were some highlights.

 
A Getayway…Oh yes, yes I did. Booked a quick getaway to Miami/Bahamas that’ll be here before you know it. I’ll get to see my wonderful nephew Ashton; he prefers to be called AJ now, who is so unbelievably big it makes me happy and sad. After the obligatory family time, joking, it’ll be a few peaceful days in the Caribbean. So overdue but 25 days and counting.
 
Bonding…Talking to this girl on the phone. I feel like she’s been a teenager her whole life. We chat about shopping and make-up and all the girly stuff you can think of…It’s amazing that we’re so similar despite our limited interactions…my poor sister!

Pug and Pooh... Waiting so patiently for an invitation to snuggle. How I ever get anything done with this adorable distraction is beyond me.

Tea time… You know how some people say they were born in the wrong era? I totally get that by the way. Sometimes I get the feeling I was born on the wrong continent. My obsession with BBC television and passion for tea and biscuits in proof enough.


Peanuts and Paydays… Ok not the title but I love that part of the lyrics. Hearing this song (it’s on the top of playlist on the bottom) in below freezing temp brings the best warm fuzzies. Just happy, peppy, energizing music. Repeat.



Thursday, March 21, 2013

less...the present battle

This year’s focus has been on the concept of less. Inundated with questions about resolutions, plans, goals, affirmations, I choose to keep it simple. That meant simplifying. My whole life I’ve been a believer in ‘more is more and less is less’. It was almost engrained in me and I grew into a radical in this method of thinking.  

How am I going to change this seemingly natural behavior? Everything in life screams excessive when you consider downsizing. I’m not just referring to material matters, it’s also about thoughts and reactions. I don’t even speak simply, I love my adverbs and adjectives, I crave description and exactness and it undoubtedly shows.

I thought about choosing the word more but that might be too easy. More peace. More openness. More worship. More. More. More. Not gonna lie, I love the whole idea. Except somehow I know that this year needs to be about challenges. I feel like I’ve already been thru this... I’ve felt so victimized the last few years.  I’m not saying that is a fact or entirely true but it has been a state of mind. There’s a strong reality that all of this might continue but what better way to experience it than to surrender? Maybe yielding would help relieve some of the pressure.
In an argument with myself I worried about the tone it would set…Am I being weak? Am I giving up? Am I being honest with myself? When I start asking myself hard questions, pushing buttons, exploring motives, that’s when I know I’m on to something.

less pride, less worry, less self-pity, etc…Unloading some of these and not going back to pick them up might be the only way to move forward. In a gross observation I realized these “things” are a lot like Styrofoam. I try not to feed into these feelings because you know what happens when you feed them... But I’m still walking around with them. Sometimes I’ll unload but, and here comes the Styrofoam reference, they are still there.  They don’t decompose or evaporate or simply move on…they wait. And on any giving day I might backtrack and load up my life with all that burdening negativity. Packing and unpacking throughout different seasons.

I know I’ll just need to be stronger and find a different route because even though the weight of the negativity is overwhelming it’s kind of comforting. It’s a false existence.  It doesn’t make me some mighty warrior. It parades around in a costume of opposition. My pride tries to convince me I’m being humble. My self-pity pretends to justify its selfishness. The type of strength I need isn’t going to be found in lifting and submission to phony emotions but completely separating myself from all those things I want and need to leave behind.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Me too! Me too!

So I almost didn’t blog today. Not the end of the world but the real problem was what was keeping me from blogging.  I’m a morning blogger, it just suits me. But here it is, mid afternoon and instead of skipping, I’m buckling down and getting it out. So, so, so much on my mind, I say that all the time don’t I?

Because my mind is having a hard time settling I figured I’d copycat off of my lovely friends. I saw their posts about mentioning things that make you smile. I loved reading them; it gives me a”current” glimpse into their lives. They made me smile. Little did I know how I’d need to put it into practice myself...

Today, well this week rather, is trying to break me. Disappointments and frustrations are running rampant so it was obvious that I needed to jump on board and acknowledge all the “smiles” in my life.


·          when blue jeans fit just right, not too tight, not too baggy

·          the smell of baked brie cooking in my oven

·          seeing the dogs go wild when they realize I’m home

·          getting home and whining about how I don’t have what I need to make dinner “we ain’t got no foil, we ain’t got not sour cream”and my husband shouting “are pet’s heads are falling off!”

·          movie references, especially Dumb and Dumber ones

·          words like delight, gosh I love that word right now (delight-ed, delight-full)

·          getting a new release from Redbox/Netflix…I feel like I won a prize, beating everyone else out for 1st

·          special friends coming in town this weekend

·          when Aubrey says I’m her best, best, best friend

·          having options, though they stress me out to no end, I know I am fortunate

·          straws, they make everything taste better

·          Proverbs 15:13

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

like magic

When I wake up, or sometimes even the night before, I have an idea about what type of day is ahead of me. It’s not all that clairvoyant, after awhile, if you pay attention, you start to notice the triggers. Yesterday was a Monday so in its own right, tough. Other than that, I had no initial signs of crisis. I work by myself on Mondays and a half day at that, before you start hatin', trust me this is a very small mercy.

Anxiety has been a real struggle of mine as of late. It’s such a creeper. Of course I've had bouts of it at times when it’s expected but it’s definitely presenting itself as new adversary. I’m finally getting better about equipping myself properly for it. Thank goodness. It took some time to learn a method that worked for me. Sorry, just me, not able to sort anybody else out yet.

Generally, for me,  it starts outs with physical symptoms like stomach pain, shortness of breath, headaches etc… pretty text book. It can be scary if you’re not aware of what’s really happening. Once this sets in it’s time for emotional reactions: irritability, apprehension, fear… Ugh, no fun.

This morning, I was headed to work, on time, ready for the day, when it hit. I have like an 11 mile commute to work so it was quick. Why? Lots of reasons and I’m sure unnecessary all the same. Instead of focusing on the issues, because let’s face it, I know I’m being irrational which means there’s no real resolve I’ll just swap it for another problem, I prefer to prep my crash kit, like a first aid kit customized for me. Since I can’t exactly skip work it needs to be simple and work into my day… Every day requires something different but usually consists of similar elements, a verse, some music, and a snack, giver or take a book, a walk...well, you get the gist. This time it went something like:
-Zephaniah 3:17-
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

and
-MUSE-

and
-popcorn-
 
How incredible is that? We tend to cling onto familiar verses, things we already know and repeat when heard from others. Nothing wrong with that at all but I love when a word comes from something more “obscure” just a reminder how rich and constant the word is. He will quiet you by His love.

Monday, March 18, 2013

a soapbox minute

So I started developing this post on Saturday morning but I try not to blog on the weekends. By the way, it’s nothing critical just boundaries that I've set for myself. Living in such a “healthy” state has been a transition from my Midwest roots. Long before it was “cool” to buy organic and gluten free Colorado was a forerunner in this seemingly hippie movement and my town is above and beyond. What was great about living in an environment in which it’s become mainstream culture is that these items are so accessible. It’s almost more of a challenge finding something that isn't hormone free. The information is fluent and even the restaurants adhere to it…another fun fact is we don’t have fast food in Breckenridge, other than Subway, and you could start a discussion on whether it should be considered as such.

All this is positive, the availability, the knowledge, the cause…I’m truly grateful but with my somewhat extremist nature it can be problematic. I get so overwhelmed and develop a complex in regards to my junk food tendencies. We eat very health in my opinion, mostly organic, non- processed and I prepare dinner every night of the week. But there are times I treat myself to a less than healthy snack. Like when I sneak a candy bar at work and get “caught” I feel the need chime in by insisting it’s been a tough week. *Oh and by get caught someone innocently asks “what are you eating?” …Busted.

I’ve never been like that before, embarrassed; it’s probably a mix of my unwanted weight gain and being surrounded by people that make better choices. This chain of thoughts came while I was shopping and I found myself “hiding” processed food. I kid you not. A grown woman putting Golden Grahams discreetly and purposefully on the very bottom of the cart, behind the organic, sprouted, almond milk of course, hoping no one would take notice. Small towns are infamous for run ins and so many times I peer into another’s cart but hope they don’t do the same.

My immediate reaction was to blame society. It seemed accurate and it felt kind of good to have a scapegoat. But do you know what a society is? According to Merriam-Webster, its description is filled with words and scenarios like group, community, nation, social circle.  Pretty much the resounding word is people. We ARE people, so in turn we ARE the problem. That means we decide the parameters of what is and is not acceptable. There are so many topics this could encompass and unfortunately these topics are deemed controversial because as a society we've labeled them as such. Why can’t we talk about and promote our differences instead of shaming ourselves? We've gotten pretty good at accepting other’s lifestyles why is it a struggle to accept our own?

Be passionate. Be respectful. Be yourself.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Cheat Sheet: Pistachio Salmon

I have a love/hate relationship with meat…and eggs, and Doritos and a bunch of other stuff. I’m just overly particularly aka a picky eater aka a food snob. I’m also a bad eater. I tend to miss meals and substitute them with liquids. Yes, bad habits, bad Rachel. I try really hard to eat like an adult but ugh the planning is a lot of work. One thing I love without issue is salmon. It’s yummy, it’s easy, and it’s affordable, perfecto.

This is something that I’ll throw together while I’m getting ready for work. You heard me right, while, as in at the same time. Boom, multitasking! If you’re more prepared than I am don’t feel the need to cook it as you’re running out of the house but just know if that occurs it’s totally doable.

I fell in love with pistachio crusted salmon when I moved to Colorado. This restaurant served and incredible version of it but has since changed it's menu. Sigh. I found a copycat recipe online but it's challenging so here's a basic one.

Be kind these are non-fab iPhone pics in a messy, frequently used kitchen. If I was, let's say Kelle Hampton these pictures would transcendent. Lucky for me I just am giving a visual aid not looking to inspire or culture you.

The recipe:

½ cup of unsalted pistachios, shelled
¼ tsp kosher salt
1-2 tbsp olive oil
4 salmon fillets
2 tbsp Dijon mustard

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Cook for 12 minutes.

First step, probably the most tedious, shell the pistachios. You may choose to buy the already shelled ones but I prefer to do it myself as the other type is too salty for my taste. Once done toss them in the processor to get them chopped up. Again, you might decided to purchased them already prepped and avoid this step all together. Your call.


The basics. Because I tend to fancy myself a bit of a gourmet, I'm in the habit of eye-balling things. If  your not comfortable with that, then by all means measure accordingly. Drizzle salmon with olive oil, sprinkle with salt. Now for first timers, I'd suggest using pre-made Dijon mustard. Yep, like the stuff you probably already have your fridge and is only used on occasion, any brand will do. Once/If you're comfortable have some fun and mix your own. I like to use ground mustard and ginger. This ingredient acts like a barrier and basically keeps the salmon from drying and helps hold the pistachio crust so go ahead and experiment.

Now it gets even easier. Sprinkle/pour/dump your pistachio crumbs onto your coated/seasoned/glazed salmon.

Hopefully it's looking similar to this:

Place in your preheated oven.

Wait for 12 minutes and that's it. Serve as you like. When I take it for lunch I tend to throw it on top of a salad or just eat it plain. If planning on serving it at dinner it pairs well with any vegetables.

Maybe if you find yourself proactive and bored on a Sunday night you'll make dinner and in the process prep a week of lunches...To be honest this never usually happens ... like ever.
  

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

side effects may vary

This morning I had the.best.cup.of.coffee.ever. Yes it was my favorite Keurig cappuccino and it was in my beloved mug but it was so much more than that... I dunno, just special. So what is it that makes the ordinary EXTRAordinary? I’d love the recipe to that magical formula that produces insta-bliss. (Note: I’m in the habit of using “insta” as a prefix for just about everything.) So what’s the concoction? If I had to guess...
Function, timing, mood, need(s), luck or better yet purpose?
Maybe but sometimes I think it’s the saddest of them all, despair. I’m not immune to desperation, obviously. One positive, obscure side effect of it is the ability to appreciate, really fall in love with, something otherwise unimportant. And that’s what happened. After the first sip I immediately thought “oh I’m so gonna make this a two cup day” followed by a “hold your horses; just enjoy what you have right in front of you”. DING! DING! DING! All life’s problems solved.  Enjoy what you have in front of you…and I am. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

the truth is...

I made my bed four times yesterday and not because of an OCD episode. I was having a hard time physically removing myself from it. I’m not exactly sick, though I’m certain I've been fighting something for awhile. I've never been the type to sleep in, not even as kid. My internal clock doesn't know how to go past six am. But every now and again without warning, an exception slips in.

I became a volunteer hostage. My only brief escape was a tip toe down for the bathroom and water and climbed back into the inviting down.  When the time came and I actually tried to get up it was futile. I eventually got free but kept toying with the idea of climbing back in. So I decided that if I “made it” it would totally keep me away. Clearly that wasn't the case. After a few in’s and out’s and feeling overly indulgent I got to wondering is it so terrible? So I grabbed my laptop to work on some projects in bed.  
Sitting there I started thinking of “the list”. Everything that my day had in store was being ignored. Anxiety was creeping in and I sincerely felt panicked that I wouldn't be taking the recycling to the center that day.

GASP oh.holy.cow.

When did worry become about laundry and dishes and errands and create such irrational behavior? Of course I’m a grown up now and all these task accumulate to a productive day but it’d become like  crack. Being busy has a way of making you feel significant. Maybe an insecurity about what you’re busy with causes you to extend the ”to do list” in order to compensate for what you feel are your short comings.  
Because “mommies” are busy and I’m not a mommy I often feel the need to be preoccupied and justify how my time is spent. It’s messed up. No one has ever interrogated me about my daily grind but I’m prepared if they do. Ready, set, go and I’ll rattle off every trivial bit with emphasis on its supreme value and all the energy exhausted in the process. It’s sick, crack, like domestic woman’s crack.

I stayed put. There were clean clothes to put on, enough food for dinner and at present that was what really mattered and I refused convince myself otherwise. Admission admitted and recovery to follow. The list was done later and to no one’s surprise it was all fine.

Monday, March 11, 2013

present company EXcluded

Today's post is brought to you by envy, sadness, and all that real-life schtuff.

“What I’m having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and your self-discovery.”
— Hannah Horvath, absolutely nailing it on GIRLS


Did you read that? Read it again. Seriously, please try to understand it before you jump right in. The above quote is spot on. Because... I promised myself I wouldn't get into this... Why? Mostly because I avoid drama if at all possible. I have a hard time explaining it but I'm writing these days as personal improvement. It may or may not be working… It sounds weird but attempt and accept it. The thing is that if I'm really being truthful about things "now" the truth would be that I'm upset.
I'm going to say this now, my current feelings are not directed to anyone and my happiness for them is in no way lessened but WTH! If I hear another pregnancy announcement I'm gonna scream, oh wait it already happened, I'm guessing phase two means a full blown freak out. Consider yourselves warned. I'm feeling like the whole thing has gone outta control it's not necessarily the "who" but the sheer number of "who's" and the rapid, seemingly daily growing numbers. People at work don't even believe me, ya it's that many!

There's been a bunch of “boohoos”,” seriouslys” and “why, why why’s…and from the last couple paragraphs I’s and me’s. Yep, I'm a bad person and I've thought some pretty mean girls things produced from raw jealousy. There I said it; feel free to judge because I do feel guilty.  Deactivating Facebook for a period has even been considered. You know, till the storm passes. How self-centered am I?
In case you’re not in the know or able to read between the lines my first post, rising hope, was about a negative pregnancy test and my subsequent period. Ouch. Details like that are... I don't know...intense. I'm dealing with this stuff but trying very hard to maintain a life about other things. Presently I'm occupied with it but actively attempting other pursuits…a clever, vague way of saying daily distractions.

I'll be okay. There are always a series of baby booms and a weakness for me to feel things more personally than I ought. Some girl said “well then just get pregnant”. Normally I'm a non violent person but actually had to restrain myself because I wanted to punch her in the throat. I decided to reply with a "it doesn't always work like that". I think I reclaim some good person points for managing to avoid incident.  It’s promising to know I haven’t completely turned.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

cannonball



Sometimes I have trouble getting where I need to be, too many things holding me back…
my body, my ability, my mood, my panic, my circumstances
In times like these I just lean on my faith…and that’s enough.


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

in like a lion

Ain’t that the truth! I was definitely caught off guard but have accepted its presence. I kind of love that March is so bold in staking its claim. This month could be big then again it might be ordinary…an invigorating concept. With its authoritative, albeit abrupt entrance, this month has shifted me and my mind has been all over the place like covering Lent, wording confessions and randomizing the already random.

Consider this a jump start on spring cleaning. You know when you get the process going there all those inevitable pieces that don’t have a home. A purposeful spot, designed in mind for its exact dimensions. Well here they are in thought form…

~I’m annoyed that people, myself included, feel the need to judge what is and isn’t appropriate for Lent. You know, I might need to develop a separate post for this…bad example.

~I say I watch Gossip Girl for the clothes but that's only partly true, the other part is for Penn Badgley but the whole truth is that I desperately love every soapy it.

~Now that I just said soapy, I realized soap opera is the weirdest phrase to describe a form a of television broadcast. Opera? Right.

~I’m astounded that I don’t realize that I-must-have-tater-tots-or-I’ll-die until after I’ve returned from the store.

~I typically go several days at a time with only one hand of painted fingernails and recently discovered my cousin does the exact same. That’s like science or something.

~The things I’m most receptive to are generally the things I’ve yet to reveal about myself.

~The older I get the more unconventional my opinions about success become.

Well there ya go, not enough to stand on their own..yet but if I link them all together they might just work. Nonsense aside, I managed to get a few more thoughts out of my head that I would have otherwise held captive. Because I’m choosing to believe everything has significance.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

reading the labels

There are some things so concealed, handled with the utmost care. Kept tuck away and oddly treasured. So despised yet so preserved.

Treated, washed, dried, folded and gently place inside a box, inside a closet, inside a room.
Taking up more space than you ever planned on granting it. Hurts, fears, failures, whatever they are have expanded to a disease that's set to contaminate everything. We swear to keep them at bay but when we grant them fresh air it’s under false pretense; not only lying to everyone else but to ourselves, for ourselves.

The surprise, the pity, all of it so well timed. Only a fool would believe in it’s innocence.
Nevertheless we feel that force to treat, wash, dry, fold and gently place inside a box, inside a closet, inside a room.

These secrets, that are anything but, don’t deserve this level of concern. They aren’t worthy of protection. I repeat this like a mantra. I want to walk away from it, exposing it to the elements in turn destroying it and freeing myself. Sometimes that seems too simplistic or beyond what my strength can undergo so then I think I’ll just burn the box, that will burn the closet, that will burn the room… but would it damage the rest of the structure?


Why such extreme measures to relinquish something that I’m responsible for? I alone have nurtured these wounds, reclaiming control shouldn’t be this debatable. I’m not fighting with it, I’m only fighting with myself.




 

Monday, March 4, 2013

...don't know when I'll be back again...

Have you ever assumed that you’re a natural at something? Like you just knew you had a certain ability. Like "I bet I could…because… “. Then lo and behold you weren’t really good, maybe even awful but still somewhat surprised that it somehow didn’t click? I do it a lot. Overly confident I guess. Then you’ve got the people that excel at everything. Husbands are really good about that. They are like instant pros at everything they attempt, but I digress.

 
Right now my "thing" is learning to play the guitar. I didn’t expect to be Esteban but I expected something. Honestly, I planned on easing into some basic cords with a cool Ingrid Michelson groove or rock a Jason Mraz lullaby. Not so much. My talents are far more limited than I was giving myself credit for. I love music. It speaks to me. I get it. I’m “instrumental” but this is tricky. My thinking all these things is an insult to musicians because this is a skill, a craft that has been practiced and honed in on but I really, really wanted to be awesome.
In elementary school we learned how to play one song on the guitar, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum. Excellent song, but looking back not sure it was really age appropriate… I had all the songs arranged that I wanted to learn to play first, not exactly how it worked out. I had to put them aside and find a basic, less cool anthem for myself. Turns out Leaving in a Jet Plan by Peter, Paul, and Mary, let’s face it people attribute it to John Denver, would be my jam, ushering me into my craft. There’s only three cords but I still struggle. If my piano teacher was able to tame and guide these sausage fingers successfully for years I will eventually pick this up.

It’s not all a wash…it’s something I’ve been planning on doing for years and it’s creating a new discipline in me. It’s exciting to still try new things, to seek the challenges, to earn those stripes. I’m realizing life is funny, despite what we convince ourselves directly or about others or their situation(s) there are more truths and struggles and opportunities for us to be brave and progressive if we’re willing.