less...the present battle

This year’s focus has been on the concept of less. Inundated with questions about resolutions, plans, goals, affirmations, I choose to keep it simple. That meant simplifying. My whole life I’ve been a believer in ‘more is more and less is less’. It was almost engrained in me and I grew into a radical in this method of thinking.  

How am I going to change this seemingly natural behavior? Everything in life screams excessive when you consider downsizing. I’m not just referring to material matters, it’s also about thoughts and reactions. I don’t even speak simply, I love my adverbs and adjectives, I crave description and exactness and it undoubtedly shows.

I thought about choosing the word more but that might be too easy. More peace. More openness. More worship. More. More. More. Not gonna lie, I love the whole idea. Except somehow I know that this year needs to be about challenges. I feel like I’ve already been thru this... I’ve felt so victimized the last few years.  I’m not saying that is a fact or entirely true but it has been a state of mind. There’s a strong reality that all of this might continue but what better way to experience it than to surrender? Maybe yielding would help relieve some of the pressure.

In an argument with myself I worried about the tone it would set…Am I being weak? Am I giving up? Am I being honest with myself? When I start asking myself hard questions, pushing buttons, exploring motives, that’s when I know I’m on to something.

less pride, less worry, less self-pity, etc…Unloading some of these and not going back to pick them up might be the only way to move forward. In a gross observation I realized these “things” are a lot like Styrofoam. I try not to feed into these feelings because you know what happens when you feed them... But I’m still walking around with them. Sometimes I’ll unload but, and here comes the Styrofoam reference, they are still there.  They don’t decompose or evaporate or simply move on…they wait. And on any giving day I might backtrack and load up my life with all that burdening negativity. Packing and unpacking throughout different seasons.

I know I’ll just need to be stronger and find a different route because even though the weight of the negativity is overwhelming it’s kind of comforting. It’s a false existence.  It doesn’t make me some mighty warrior. It parades around in a costume of opposition. My pride tries to convince me I’m being humble. My self-pity pretends to justify its selfishness. The type of strength I need isn’t going to be found in lifting and submission to phony emotions but completely separating myself from all those things I want and need to leave behind.