running in circles

Sometimes I think about inviting you to my blog. It sounds silly because it’s public but if you don’t know it’s out there I imagine you won’t be able to find it. Maybe it’s just another method of communication, the possibility of getting things out there. An opportunity for you to hear who I really am, inside. Then I think how utterly absurd it all sounds knowing that I will regret it right away and not just because I’m shy about some things but because it’s you. 

It's a painful relationship so I know what's to be expected because it never seems to change. We’re in such an awkward phase right now. I really feel like we’re heading toward where we were a few years back… We weren't even speaking and that worries me. Who’s to say we’d be able to recover from another falling out? Though you choose to believe it all happened for petty reasons it was because I needed to recover. to heal. and we both know that.

There's a lot that I don't understand…How is it that when I come in town you can't make any time for me? It's really only twice a year sometimes only once. You put so much effort into avoiding me, its blatantly obvious, and I continue to make it so easy. I'm so understanding. I’m so forgiving. I'm so flexible. I'm so amenable. I’m so accommodating… but still you avoid me… and it hurts. It hurts more than I want to admit and hurts more than most things I’ve experienced but it continues. I don't understand why you don't want to see me.

When I over-analyze and really think about it, I think I understand why you don't want to see me. I’m sure it has something to do with shame, inferiority or guilt and all those things and I try not to magnify or acknowledge them. Maybe seeing me opens those doors, and those moments become so fresh that they’re debilitating. But the thing is that those are your issues, your emotions to overcome and I feel like I’m the one who is made to suffer. I don't want to justify your behavior any more.

I see you going through some tough times with your own parents and really dealing with emotional issues and I hear you out and try to comfort you. But in those times I realize that  you can feel and see and care and have just an overall awareness of the people around you. But your concern isn’t for me. All that worry is put into your other relationships, the ones you neglected before and are just now feeling the regret of time lost. Why can't you realize the same thing is happening to us? But that’s what you continue to choose. Not your daughter but other people, yourself, again and again.

I'm still trying to be heard. I'm still trying to be seen. That's probably why I want you to see this blog. It is constant “Hey mom, look at me! Watch me! Hey mom! Hey mom!” moments and I need reassurance. I’m trying to earn something that should be free and in a way I want you to earn it from me too… But truth is I’ve never given ultimatums or requirements. It’s already free and ready. I’m not looking for this relationship to be something that it's not or something that it never was and probably isn't built to be... I just need to be wanted loved.