A couple weeks ago I was rocked by some terrible news about the sudden loss of a friend. News like that is always hard to stomach and it shakes you up… and sometimes manages to shake you straight. If I were to find a positive note, a light for this proverbial tunnel, aside from the reconnections brought by collective pain and grief, I’d have to say, for me, it’s that chance to refocus. An internal shift that my mind, body and heart all nod a collective agreement to live better because we’re reminded that life is so short.
Living better…Bet it means so many different things to each of us. It has multiple meanings to me alone. There will always be both lighthearted and spiritual angles for me. But this is me and where I’m at. At the time I was violently ill from grief I couldn’t stop thinking about my brother, Adam, who was on vacation in Mexico and I was desperate to reach him and deliver the sad news. He was there with his girlfriend Gabbi and all I could think was despite my reservations about their relationship, if he’s happy, then I’m happy and I support them… no matter what.
Finally, I was able to reach him late on Saturday and we talked and cried about all of our mutual friends hurting and shocked. After that conversation, he let me know that he had proposed while they were on their trip and they are now officially engaged. Gulp. I managed to work out a “Wow, that’s big news.” Lucky for me he had to get off the line to go thru customs. It gave me some time to digest the information. I wasn’t surprised, I’d expected it to be on the horizon but I couldn’t figure out how to be excited for them. I felt awful, especially knowing that in my heart I’d accepted it days ago. Of course that’s before I knew it I’d have to ante up.
Sunday morning came and I couldn’t bring myself to take his call. I didn’t want to regret anything said, so text him back that I was headed to church but I’d call him later. Timing, it's everything. At church I was feeling distracted but forced myself to pay attention, if anything to keep my mind on something else. Then it happened. A word -special, unique for me. Nail.on.the.head.moment. We were talking about being prayer warriors for loved ones. There were so many points I hope to get around to sharing but at one point the phrase “mothers keep praying, sisters keep praying” and I literally squeaked “whoa” under my breath.
I’m not trying to sabotage a relationship. All I want is to be protective and if constant prayer for them helps strengthen them and protect them well that’s what I’m here for. As I walked through the parking lot I felt a hundred pounds lighter. I felt the peace, the joy, and the words I needed to call him and provide the support he needed and I so wanted to give to him.
I’ve always wanted a close sisterly bond. I am an Ann(e) Shirley always looking for a bosom buddy. I watch Memoirs of Geisha and The Color Purple and I long for a sister to let me love her. I have a sister but for reasons beyond my control we’ve never been able to be a proper part of each other’s life. That’s probably why I have such powerful female bonds and so many. This is it, I’m gaining a sister. How can this be bad? How can I be anything but happy for my brother for managing to find someone he cares about so deeply? I can’t. Because life is so short.
*Now I just need to change her name from Crabbi-Gabbi in my phone to something appropriate and loving. Oops.
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