Attitude Adjustment 101

Woke up a little worse for wear this morning... Decided to creep down to the couch. Some days you know you have to physically remove yourself from the bed as so  as you eyes open or else you'll never get up. It's brisk, my bones are cold, my hair's frizzy and my throat is hoarse . I just keep thinking how much I'm dreading going into work... I'm decidedly going but still imagining why I shouldn't and all the reasons it's a fabulous idea.

I grabbed a blanket and a Pumpkin Pop Tart with the dogs on my heels. We burrowed in and I started to write. The problem. My tone was off. A little ungrateful, too cranky, super whiney and that just won't do.

I gave myself permission to close my eyes. Tired? Then rest. Before I knew it I was praying instead of sleeping. I flipped open my Bible and let the healing start, the motivation latch on, and the truth speak.

After that I migrated to Pinterest. I'm happy to report I only get on there a once a week or two. Not bad for a recovering addict, eh? I only checked out the Quotes categories, always good for a heartfelt laugh and guaranteed inspiration.

Reflection: I wish I spent more time at my best than at my worst. It's a slow process and it really helps to remember:

lamesauce

First off, I'm a rule breaker. Bloggin'n on the weekend and all. Tisk, tisk. Figured it would be good to sit down and type since I've been a bit absentminded. Mostly I've been preoccupied. I spent the better part of the week anxiously anticipating an opportunity, and the rest being mad at myself for not capitalizing on it.

It was a job interview and I'm not ready to talk about it. I know, so dramatic. Anyway, it got me prepping for all the dreaded questions, one of the most over analyzed being, "what is your greatest weakness." I know the right answer, textbook approved, that puts a positive spin on an otherwise trick question. But in my head, and heart, the true answer isn't what I talk about.

The truth. Self criticism. Currently it's at an endless flow. It doesn't take a lot either. A simple error in judgment or honest mistake and I'm completely disabled. My brain is restless and on continuous repeat. My body sick with frustration. I'm an understanding person, at least I feel that I am , but forgiving myself and moving on is so difficult.

I need sleep. I need a simple train of thought to flow without the sting of disappointment overshadowing my routine. I need a reminder. A hope. An accolade. A laugh. And maybe even a second chance. I need to keep moving and remember being needy sometimes is alright, and so are mistakes.

hypo-

Another check for the bummer column. I have blood draws and labs done on a fairly regular basis given my growing list of medical issues. Well I got a call that my thyroid is kaputz at present. He joked that it's on Craigalist looking for a new home. Just shot.

My existence has always been prefixed by hyper-. Expressive. Sensitive. Talkative. Thinking. Emotional. It's always been excessive, over the top and here I am relabeled. An underachiever in health.

Officially it's hypothyroidism. Basically hypo means under while hyper means over. Throw it in front of "active" and before thyroid and thats's me. Scientifically speaking hypothyroidism is a condition in which the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroid hormone. Common symptoms include:

• Hard stools or constipation
• Sensitivity to cold temperature
• Fatigue or feeling slowed down
• Heavier and irregular menstrual periods
• Joint or muscle pain
• Paleness or dry skin
• Sadness or depression
• Thin, brittle hair or fingernails
• Weakness
• Weight gain

And wouldn't ya know I am experiencing all of this things. My immune system has once again decided to turn on itself. As of today I'm on a new medication to revive my system. The dosage is fairly small while my next labs are monitored to determine the appropriate adjustment. This might be a liberating diagnosis that get things back on track so I'm cautiously optimistic.

switcheroo

I've been pretty resistant, I'm sure along with several others. But it's time to come to terms of the seasonal shift. I don't know why it's also hard this year. Despite the negative thoughts about the summer and it's limited appearance today and waking up to a snow dist this morning pushed me into high gear. I loved fall before it was cool.

I’m at complete piece about the move. It is truly glorious. I charged off to the store picking up every single seasonal item that caught my eye. All the Aspens are starting to do their thing, that shaking, golden, glittery dance they do. The air is crisp but not bitter yet. My wardrobe is headed for cozy. Anticipating wearing all my many, many boots that somehow seem to pull every outfit together. Comforting foods, warm drinks, this is the life.

I've switched out my Island Sands and Hawaiian Fruit candles for Pumpkin Spice and Hazelnut Cream. Goodbye for now Chamomile and Coconut tea, hello Hot Cinnamon and Pumpkin tea. It's happening whether I like it or not. Best part is that I do like it (a lot).

I'm ready for the buildup of celebrations and holidays. The anticipation of each that follow.Family birthdays and anniversaries will be abundant. The level of appreciation and thankfulness this goes through the roof. Ready to dive into my decorating box and exchange one wardrobe for another. It's here!

on the inside

Moon dinged, faded
The sky too pale too mind

Low tones

And the thoughts abundant
A pattern for life
Direction obscured
Surroundings magnified
Future uncertain

Lower

A shift in space
Room divided by plans
Sleep uncertain

at some point

Somehow it’s Wednesday and in the afternoon no less! I’ve had the best intentions of blogging without the opportunity. I even convinced myself to ditch sleep in order to get things done. Fail. I need sleep and being a slave to my list(s) just isn’t worth it.

My work life did not decide to cut me any slack and it’s been an endless array of emails, calls and stuff not worth typing about. What gives, man? Home life is total disarray but manageable. I always fail to give myself time to adjust- to pace, to attitude, to nothing. What can I say? I’m crazy like that…or maybe just slow learner.

Between Ben being gone a couple weeks back and then a vacation where a mess and there is no food in the house. Which is of course our biggest concern. The cupboards are bare and the shelves in the fridge are frighteningly visible. Last night I shrugged off the “everything else” in favor of doing load after load of laundry. As much as I don’t like laundry it’s one of the most satisfying things on the list because you can see the results. Don’t feel too bad though I watched two episodes of Homeland in the process, ya know, to stay positive.

To state the obvious, this is a non-post, post. I’m back. I’m home. I’m trying to catch up. We haven’t been settled in awhile with different things on the agenda so the peace is welcomed. I will say it’s good to be home. It’s comfort. It’s familiar. It’s imperfect. It’s ours.

down time

For many a years a vacation always needed to have an exotic flair and don,t get me wrong the beach is always calling. Time off and time away have really matured in these last few years. Changing gears and even scenery is so refreshing. I think because I'm constantly living life ahead of schedule... planning, stressing. Working at home working; at work; it has literally become necessary to become removed from my regular environment.

Sometimes I feel weary and don't even realize it until I breakdown or inevitably slow down. I was also a bit pathetic about being overdue for a trip. Reflecting back on this year proved me absolutely wrong. Though plans changed here and there we still made it to Missouri 2x, Florida, the Bahamas, Michigan and fingers crossed for an undecided trip October...Basically in hopes of warming up before winter hits. Almost all of these trips involved quality time with family and the friends a good as. Yeah, I'd say we've done pretty well for 2013 thus far.

As I type this on my break from my real world, I still think about the overdue library books, the patient I forgot to call back, returns, dirty dishes etc...but apprehension is faded and settling into a healthy pace. Another stamp on the passport and a nice tan would be fantastic but clothes that borderline pajamas, midday naps, pumpkin ice cream seem all those little things that feel so big in your heart seem to be working just fine.

getting back...later

Winding down from a needed, "just-right" trip... 

Returning back to everything else soon. 

Very soon... 

Too soon.

it starts now

Goodbye Colorado, hello Michigan. Ready to relax. Ready to indulge. Ready to reconnect. Ready. Set. Go.

au natural

Consider this an addendum.  I hate to blame society for my insecurities but there is something of a problem with the idea of natural verses oh, well… not. We work so hard to make the manufactured parts of our lives seem natural. We make purchases and watch tutorials to make our makeup appear like natural beauty.  We put on facades and brush off hours of work and effort to seem like nothing. We fight to seem effortless and natural in both our physical appearance and daily life, despite the imperfections and messy bits in both.  I doubt any of us, if so very few, have that au natural factor and state of affairs that we strive to pretend exists.

Why? Probably because it seems carefree. Maybe because it’s ideal. I’m sure we each have our reasons. I despise the feeling of inferiority. I want to be desirable. Envy can be enjoyable if you’re on the other end of it.

So all this comes to mind when we talk about the very essence of womanhood. As a woman I am expected to bare children. Motherhood is essential and there are so many alternatives these days but does anyone else feel the push that the “old-fashion” way is the best? A private matter. Just a husband and a wife. No additional medications. No fancy doctors.  No extra appointments and test.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I really did. I listened to friends discus breastfeeding vs. formula, natural birth vs. cesarean and so many opposing ideas. Well my path doesn’t seem optional. I'll put aside my reservations and if it takes prescriptions and procedures then we’ve decided we’re willing. 

speaking up

Words play a huge part in my life. I take painstaking measures to use the correct word in the proper way to describe something…especially when it comes to my feelings. I’m sure I’m a nightmare to talk to because I struggle to commit to certain words and how I feel about them all.the.time. I was at a doctor’s appointment over the weekend doing to some updates to my paperwork. You would have thought it was a pop quiz because I was having so much trouble deciding which boxes to check. They really cover everything imaginable which isn’t anything to but I debated with myself on what was worth mentioning and what was just in my head.

Some of my need for extra effort comes from being in the healthcare field and the other part is because- it’s me. I hovered over each question and role played what I thought would be the outcome of checking “said” box. I knew the questions that would follow. It might cause concern and will definitely lead to conversations I’m not ready to have.

It’s all part of that delusion that if I speak the words, have a real conversation about them, then the problem suddenly exist in the universe. Having inner monologues or brush off’s with friends is just chitter-chatter… Talking to my doctor and acknowledging my concerns leads to a diagnosis which is as official as it gets.

I don’t want real words with real meaning attached to them. The “i” word. The “d” word. The “w” word. Lots and lots of words and the additional complex on top of each. They must of seen my hesitation and the linger marks by a few I didn’t’ dare mark. I felt foolish and was fighting back tears the whole time. Luckily I was able to grab a Kleenex before they came in because I knew whether or not I wanted to we were going to talk about everything. (Which is why my doctor is so awesome, he knows me and knows I need the push.)

First things first, they brought up depression. I responded with “That’s a big word, maybe discouraged or frustrated would be something I’m more comfortable with.”  I know there are several kinds of depression and not all are long term but I can’t handle the thought of something else being wrong with me.

The next topic was my weight. Something is happening with it and it really scares me. My body has a plan of its own and I know something isn’t right. How rapidly it’s happening, where it’s happening, the reasons it shouldn’t be happening are all concerning. It’s never fun to talk about weight, unless you’re losing it, but throw in the added medical concerns and it’s a nightmare.

The whole appointment was leading up to the biggest, saddest word of them all: infertility. We’ve talked about it for some time now but never uttered the words. I think I’ve only said it maybe 3x in the last few years and the words hung on my tongue and I found myself thinking on them for hours afterword.

Though I was physically and emotionally exhausted after the visit I feel surprisingly hopeful. It’s suppressed joy... but now that my problems are “real” we have a new game plan and now can enter into a new phase in this journey.

Five on Friday

(one)
Persuasion. I've been crazy about this movie (and book) for years. I watch it every time Benny's away. I may have watched it more than once this week. It settles me and its so simple, no bells and whistles needed.

(two)
My doctor. I've had the same OB/GYN doctor for almost 8 years now. We have a very special relationship. He's seen me through a lot of heartaches, quiets so many fears, and remains very patient with me. I know he's not a magician or miracle worker but he is a great person. I've always been grateful for having him but I have another appointment tomorrow which reminded me how lucky I am. Though I'm not looking forward to the topics, I'm happy it'll be with someone that I trust so much.



(three)
This Duvet set.  I spotted this little gem during my Mindy Project marathon. I think I'm one of the only people that I know that actually pay attention to set decore and things like that will watching programs. It took a little digging but I found out it was sold out at Anthropology but I was able to find it Dwell Studios. It alleviates my two usual concerns: is it too juvenile for my age or is it too feminine for Ben. The only problem… The price tag.

(four)

Liz Lemon ice cream y'all. Confession yes I did buy it because of the name (and shouted Nerdz! in my head) but who doesn't buy things because of labels? So fun and I got lucky because it is absolutely delicious. Lemon frozen yogurt with blueberry lavender swirl... Uh yes, please! Coincidentally, I have been quoting her all week.

(five)
At home facials. I tend to do homemade mixes but the girly-girly in me always keep some of these pre-made ones on hand. They're nifty and from Target of course! Perfect after a long day or for any reason in particular really and yes I am wearing one as I type.

observational humor

Today when I should've been doing other stuff I decided to go get a manicure/pedicure. No surprise really, it's one of my favorite pastimes. I've been getting them fairly regularly since I was a teenager. I was there for total of two hours. Which is so crazy! I didn't get fake nails put on or anything. For the record, no, my feet are not that bad, she just took her time. Either way the pampering was awesome and I definitely had the time to just relax... sort of. The only low point was a serious cramp I had in my leg afterwards...

It wasn't in the usual cramp you get from fighting uncomfortably tickling scrub though. Oh man I get a Charlie horse just thinking about it! This was a new experience for me. Just a quick side note, It's amazing that I do these things because I really don't like to be touch. Like at all. And just another thing, real quick have you ever noticed that if you don't like something is he's always happen you?  For instance I'm terrified of snakes but I always seem to find them. Or should I say they find me? So of course because I don't like to be touched everyone tries to touch me it's super weird.

Anyway back on course… Well today  my foot brushing the ladies boob. I feel like this has happens to everyone at least one time and you have that awkward series of glances and adjusting angles afterwards...but this was repeatedly. Repeatedly. Why? Like seriously, why? My legs are not that long and generally their boobs are not that big so this should not be happening. It's almost physically impossible. Yet it went on longer than it should have. So given my good manners I decided to arch my foot a little differently to try to avoid the problem. Probably not my best idea because I have searing pain like a shin split now. We've got to figure this out before next time!

Because I know that you're wondering I actually got the French manicure because you never know I might get a job interview next couple weeks.  And for my pedicure I went with OPI's Monooner or Later. Which is a classy decision but a little odd for me. I always just planned on switching over to the reds, pearls and bronzes when I'm an "old" lady. I'm generally a bold and bright kind of girl so I having fun while I can still get away with it.

ac·count·a·bil·i·ty

I have no idea how I suddenly become the busiest, most scatterbrained, overwhelmed person this week. No husband, no boss, no problems, right? Wrong. Where’s my bon-bons and daytime tv? If everything could just tend to itself for a day or two I’d be a very happy girl.

I should also note that I had a blog typed up yesterday but a pug (who shall remain nameless) managed to delete it and type the number 3 several times. That was upsetting but I’m sure it wasn’t intentional so we’re moved past the incident. Frankly it wasn’t anything special but I haven’t got the time or patience to re-type such a mediocre post.

I do however wanna touch on the topic of accountability. I marveled in my last Five on Friday post how it’s here, and abundant and a safety net I’m beginning to rely on. You might recall an early post of mine actually feared it and the vulnerability it requires but I actually might be loving it. A friend of me I'm actually told me that I was slacking on my blogging about a bit ago. And she was totally right and I knew it but it was meant as like a friendly jab but all joking aside, I think I needed to hear it. 

I had been thinking in my head I hope no one notices. But then I had that afterthought of well maybe if people DO notice it means that they're still involved. This is both a scary and moving concept at the same time.
Having people that you're accountable to can be a little bit of uncomfortable especially for me. I know no surprise or news flash there. But that uncomfortable it shifting and not that uncomfortable “these jeans are too tight” “I can't wait to take these heels off” but more like an uncomfortable “on my gosh people are really learning about me” and they're actually involved that's what's going on whether there and my physically in day to day life or not. I feel anxious just thinking about it.

I’m still constantly trying to convince myself that this is just some sort of private journal and every now and then someone jumps in with a bit of encouragement or support and I still have a freak out I don't know if I ever out grow it. It just reminds me that I'm trying to live life out in the open no more secrets to myself or to other people. Talking about the things like depression or even little things like caffeine addiction. It's all there and it's a lot of exposure for me whether people realize it or not.

I realize that blogging isn't for everyone and it’s now guarantee I’ll stick with it long term but given my geographical location and my behavioral distance mechanisms I really have to keep this going for now and be true to myself. Just coming to terms of the fact that people really do want to be involved and figuring out how to let them.

...and everything nice

I need to make this quick…My week has just made a turn for the unexpected. Got up at 3:30 to drive Benny to the airport. I swear if/when we move, we will live closer that 2hrs away from an airport. Four hours in the car wasted. Also sad to say based on the time frame nothing was open yet in Denver so I wasn’t able to “make the most of it”… And that’s probably for the best.

I’ve been meaning to mention this for awhile and it keeps slipping my mind but I’ve found a real recipe gem. It and variations of it have been on my Pinterst for awhile but I’m finally getting around to it. This might be old news and I’m the last to know but I needed to share, ‘cause us girls need to stick together!

When I got married I registered for a spice rack. It kind of seemed like the thing to do. Imagining I’d be whipping up gourmet meals ala Martha Stewart but I wasn’t well trained in culinary endeavors. My mom didn’t have time to cook and probably wouldn’t know what to do if she did. I loved the idea of the spice rack and there were obvious things like oregano and cinnamon and I totally can work with those but others were alluding me…Coriander? Celery Seed? Hmmm? Unfortunately, many a spice were wasted in the early years. 

Now that I’ve come along in my cooking my palette and knowledge have evolved and I’m proud to say I have figured out how to properly use spices, even the obscure ones. The problem is that unless I’m actually following directions I kinda forget to incorporate a variety in my everyday dishes. Which means things get overlooked and we miss out. For awhile I was buying pre-made/mixed spices like “chicken seasoning” or “seafood seasoning”. Sketchy, right? And overpriced too.

Well I finally dug up my pins for these homemade spice mixes and they are incredible. I like using up spices I sometimes “forget” about. It’s also convenient to have them on hand to so you already now quantities of each. I’ve basically been using these as dry mixes while cooking meat and I swear I have never had more compliments. Seriously, you’d think I’d been feeding the man goulash. Here I was thinking I was Top Chef and all.

I used these…Check’em out and play around with them, for instance I put extra garlic in ours since that suits our taste. I also double, even triple some of these to have on hand and they’re stored in mason jars by my cook top. 

http://www.weedemandreap.com/2013/07/3-awesome-homemade-seasoning-mixes.html

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/taco-seasoning-i/

http://www.food.com/recipe/seafood-seasoning-mix-368939