overdone topic

Are you pregnant? No
Do you guys want to have kids? Yes
So are you trying? ... ... ... ...

That last question always gets me. Initially I'm offended. That's such a private inquiry. Why would it be okay to even ask that? Sure I'm Little Miss Privacy but this just seems beyond on my own personal quirks.

Technically all of those questions are private. If I’m really being honest the last one just bugs me because of all the baggage it carries with it. It's loaded. It’s like when you know too much. The “insider” information is what gets me. All of the facts and figures, the time frames, the disappointments, and the uncertainty rushes to my head and I find myself staring blankly at the person who asks. Not In horror more like pleading not to press further. I’m completely disengaged.  More than they bargained for. A seemingly innocent question that unleashes… everything.

I guess it's not the question. It's not even the person. It's all the attachments I've made to the idea. We are trying. We have been. I know exactly how long and have obviously unsuccessfully. That's the nerve it hits. Knowing how long. Knowing the effort. All the things that should’ve worked and didn’t.

Some people have been at it for much longer. Trust me, I know them and I know their stories. But this is my personal journey. I have an idea of my expectations and my longevity and in that sense we’re also different. I may not be as patient as them. Or certain. Or capable. Or all of those qualities being tested by the struggle. It's a case by case basis. That’s my long version to a very short answer.

no plans, no problem

Please note, this post was started on Saturday night and I just got around to arranging it properly. I've been through a number of transitions in my life so far. Some of them are literally due to aging, some to maturity, some to comfort level, and some are just preferential changes.

There was a time when I waited and wished to be a part if something. Friends and a lively social life were essential goals. I needed plans to define me. Then that time came. I'd spent most of Saturday planning outfits, getting manicured, setting hot rollers, giddy with excitement. Friendships were tested because there were just too many options and as much as I would've like I couldn't be everywhere at once.

The sudden influx of my social life faded into a new, more selective phase. People and plans were based on actual decisions and not whimsy. Times when there weren’t interactions at all my sense of self would waver. It became defining in it's own way. If I wasn’t on the “list” or part of “something” it really bothered me. Time proved that it really didn’t matter in the end.

Tonight I find myself at complete peace with my uneventful Saturday night. Don’t get me wrong, I love an excuse to get dressed up and go out but something about wondering Target and Bed Bath and Beyond without purpose is glorious. I’m actually happy to be commitment –free at the moment.

Leggings, over-sized sweater, boots is acceptable attire. Cruising around with my over-prized, caffeinated beverage and listening to John Mayer is an indulgence. Having some extra cash to spend on something just because I want it is my entertainment. Sometimes simplifying and not overanalyzing helps me recall that life is good.

 

theoretically

Admittedly things have been a bit inconsistent around here. However I think things are looking up and I should be returning to life as usual very soon. Theoretically, I’ve been here this whole time. In my mind, making notes and observations about things I want to put here.

The story is that my coworker left to move across the country to be closer to her family. She and I had a close working relationship and a special friendship. Frankly, I am extremely sad about it…Happy for her, but still sad.

The last couple weeks have been filed with training her replacement. Overall the process had gone incredibly smooth and I’m really pleased with things. The only negative is the glaring absence of my friend. I think I speak for both of us when I say I wasn’t aware how close we were until I wasn’t able to talk with her every day.

Certainly not the end of the world but it’s been a strain. So many underappreciated people in my life have literally moved far, far away in the last couple years and it’s starting to take its toll. I’ve never had trouble making friends and several of these recent friendships have found their way to me so I know those voids will fill in time. Think of me while I’m busy welcoming a new coworker and coming to terms with void of my friend.

take heart

I got my feelings hurt the other day. It happens... but it doesn't always come from such a trusted source. My hurt usually transitions into anger. I was hurt/mad. Tears and angry words. I have a hard time letting go of things. My memory and attention to detail goes on and on well after the occurrence.

I tried hard not to bite back after the unexpected blow. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to inflict a similar hurt...No a bigger one! I fell quiet and began remembering things that despite the criticism matter so, so much more. Truths about me and everyone else for that matter.

If you're hurt and maybe need a reminder of what's true and special and what really counts this is it:

Psalm 139:14 ...i am fearfully and wonderfully made
Psalm 17:8 ...i am the apple of his eye
Deuteronomy 7:6 ...his treasured possession
Philippians 4:8  ...true, noble, right, pure, and lovely
Psalm 119:114 ...you are my refuge and my shield. i have put my hope in your word

currently

I'm watching: HBO's miniseries Mildred Pierce

I'm drinking: pumpkin chi tea ala a Pinterest crockpot recipe

I'm reading: Red Hook Road, by Ayelet Waldman and my eyes literally hurt from crying

I'm wearing: hot pink moccasins from Old Navy. Love at first sight.

I'm listening: The Black Keys album Brothers. Synthe, whistling, percussion: sold!

I'm eating: (see answer under obsessing)

I'm thinking: a nap needs to happen... a girl can dream

I'm avoiding: Writing an actual, possibly meaningful post... And cleaning!

I'm obsessing: All things butterscotch. I even have the 5lb bag of hard candy in my purse to prove it.

rock.paper.scissors.

Let me see... How to put this delicately? Hmmm. It's been a difficult time for me lately and not for any obvious reason(s) in particular. A few weeks back we realized Ben would need to head back to Missouri to help his parents pack and move to Florida. That's a post in the making right there.

Technically we just had to get him to there and he'd fly back. Initially I decided I'd drive him back and capitalize on an opportunity to travel "home" unexpected. As it got closer I felt more apprehension. So much was uncertain and I was/am really struggling with my health...and emotions. I backed out. Staying put seemed like the best option. I had things to do and I couldn't imagine anymore interferences.

I felt guilty everyday. I knew there were people that'd be disappointed if they knew what was going on. But on the other hand I just knew the place I'm at in "things". I bit my tongue and didn't tell anyone about the passed opportunity.

The afternoon before he was set to fly out it officially happened. I fell apart. There aren't enough words to describe the thoughts and feelings that we're flooding me. I needed to escape...immediately. I canceled his ticket and when he got home I informed him we're driving out tonight! I know he's been worried but obviously it wasn't too crazy cause he agreed. I called into work and we were off.

I was back for all of 36hrs and only managed to see a handful of people. It has a special place in my heart, as do the people and the memories. All of this was mostly about the drive. I'm not one to volunteer 28hrs in the car but it was very therapeutic.

Zoned out. Concentrated. Distracted. Cerebral. Distraught. All and I mean ALL of that.

I went back and forth with a lot of issues and though there isn't total clarity I managed a break. To those that I did see and couldn't help mention how visible sad I seem (Guess I won't be winning any Oscars.)... Well I'm sorry about the miserable company and I'm working on it.

cutting corners

I cut corners…and as often as possible. I'm a corner-cutter! I’m not a cheat or anything but it always seems like the best use of my time. I’m a check marker, goal getter, productivity bragger. I love the challenger of accomplishing as much as possible in an absurd amount of time. That’s a large part of what makes me a “morning person”.  By my experience most people aren’t which is why I get so much done at the crack of dawn. Less people, more completion. Watch out world!

I stroll in to work a quarter to eight (or earlier) high on my accomplishments of: recycle center, po box, grocery store, coffee shop etc… Allowing my co-workers to awe in my impressive feats. It’s embarrassing to confess I do this but it just started happening and snowballed past pride into a real problem. That problem is that being on fast forward isn’t allowing me to enjoy life and the chance to see it un-blurred.

I actually drive by people pulled over to take pictures every day. Guess it tends to happen when you live in a top vacation spot. But I’m too busy to give in to these breaks. At least that’s what I tell myself. I’ll complete and entire Saturdays “work” of errands before 10:30 in the morning. Some people might be jealous of that ability to condense time or just complete a single list. But it’s a slippery slope my friends.

A couple weekends ago I experimented with a change-up. I slowed down my momentum. Way down and gave into the unpredictable. Instead of bee lining to the car I read in the morning which is typically an evening activity and it totally shook the rest of the day up. I moseyed. I dillydallied. I literally took the scenic route. I pulled off at the scenic overlooks I pass every day and took pictures. Everything was absorbed appropriately. I felt fulfilled, more appreciative, and still accomplished. Granted, I didn’t finish until well in the afternoon but it was okay...and maybe even a little better than okay. 

re-repost

Does this happen to other people? I experience more issues related to redundancy than to actual writers block. Did I say that already? Have I used that: title, phrase, or topic before? It has actually kept me from posting a time or two. It goes back to that concern of what people think. A completely overrated-toxic- fact of life by the way…at least in mine.

I get frustrated with my personal level of concern for it. I figure if I throw this out now people will be reminded of my imperfectness and I’ll be granted pre-forgiveness. If that’s even a thing. As complex as I am as a person, I am also terribly predictable in some ways. I leap from emotion to emotion. Certain situations plague me continually. My sense of humor is steadfast. The same things that have always made me laugh and cry still do…My emotions aren't like taste buds.

We have favorite shirts and movies and fears that repeat throughout seasons or even a lifetime so obviously my inner thoughts and sharing might have a very French de-javu-y or plain old “she already said that” vibe. (I don’t know if anybody else caught my Sleepless in Seattle reference but now I need to watch it.)

I write what I think. And on that note, I write how I think. Bad grammar, poor punctuation. Guilty. Awhile ago I'd be mortified at the errors and go the extra mile to double check my "work". But it's not work and I'm not participating in a grading system or even originality contest. I'm learning the more I give into the point and the less I dwell on the "correctness" the more opportunity I have to be honest about myself.

This isn't coming off apologetic and it’s not supposed to. This is just a heads up that all my thoughts and feelings are original at the time. These aren't pre-written, manufactured posts. They’re current and personal and maybe seem recycled but still me. 

Phew, now that I said that I can start writing all that stuff you probably already know about. Just kidding…maybe. 

in the making...

I've said it before and of course about to say it again because it's crazy true...Cooking is my escape. As I mentioned a few days ago, I cried last week. Like a bunch. I was even concerned. It seems like the moment I figure out my quirks and kinks, enough to peacefully slip into a groove, I break down. The pieces don't fit. A cog is overly worn. The pressure becomes unbalanced and I crack a little bit more. I'm human and therefore I break. Nothing earth shattering here but it still manages to stop me in my tracks and try and remember how to put myself back together again.

I woke up to snow last Friday, and it was more than a dusting. No thing, cause I had to work so it didn't seem to matter much. However waking up to more snow on Saturday seemed extreme. Though it was cold and dark I was excited for a surprise distraction so my mind could shift it's focus.Ben had left at 3am to climb a couple of 14ners, so I knew I wouldn't see him until late that evening. Yes, I think he's crazy too.

I bundled up with a mismatch of items to set off for the store. The town was as quiet and beautiful as a post card. I sat in the car with my white hot chocolate completely mesmerized. I braved the cold an extra time to snap a picture of the serenity. As I took it all in I imagined what I wanted for my day. It was obvious. I wanted to create. I wanted to enjoy. I wanted to get back to basics.

I settled on making broccoli cheese soup and apple butter. The problem is I only own once crock pot so they'd have to take turns. I peeled, chopped, diced, stirred, canned, to my hearts content this weekend. I was flattered with complements. Pleased with success. Comforted with simple products that resulted in special memories. The endorphins were flowing. I even reworded a popular song, something to the tune of "Ain't no party like an apple butter party, cause and apple butter party don't stop...". I'm happy to report, I didn't cry this weekend. Not even once.

my day

part of a process

I cried a lot yesterday.
I just felt so utterly overwhelmed.
There's too much in the air.
I don't do well unsettled.
I prefer the ground.

Today's plan was to not not think so much.
I feel like I've tried this before.
Possible but more exhausting thank you think.
I kept myself so busy I'm practically dizzy.
If I'm lucky it'll help me rest.

The week is winding down.
Hoping to recover soon.
Maybe even get an answered prayer.

Niemen Markus lemonade

A few things you need to know...

One: I own multiple, (beautiful) glass containers that I've acquired over the years but it’s not something I actually have the space for.
Two: After shopping I transfer everything possible into said containers. It’s a downsizing method that looks nice and gets the recyclables out of the way.
Three: I sometimes get a little creative when trying to get rid of something that’s left in the pantry too long, otherwise known as “unwanted”.

Awhile back I tried to use up these sports drink mixes. I had the best of intentions, waste not, want not. It turned out to be a fail and Ben was on to me. He has yet to forget about that terrible concoction.

Fast forward to this weekend and I’m staring at two containers of lemonade in my fridge and realizing I have the perfect carafe to put them in. Hooray for saving space, improving aesthetics and putting a dormant item to functional use.

Later that evening I notice a puzzled look on Ben’s face as he’s getting a drink. He can’t decide if it’s our usually brand or a mix of something else. Even after drinking it he’s unsure. I refused to answer. It was like a taste test gone wrong because he couldn't decide if it was tainted.Conversation...

Ben: Is this the Niemen Markus lemonade?

Me: (laughing hysterically) What?!

Ben: You know the regular lemonade. The... The... What’s his name? The Paul Newman kind.

Me: It’s Newman’s Own.

Ben: That’s what I meant!

Me: I know!

Ben: Well is it?

Me: Yes, that’s what I keep telling you.

Ben: But is there other stuff in it?

Me: (walks away)