Let me see... How to put this delicately? Hmmm. It's been a difficult time for me lately and not for any obvious reason(s) in particular. A few weeks back we realized Ben would need to head back to Missouri to help his parents pack and move to Florida. That's a post in the making right there.
Technically we just had to get him to there and he'd fly back. Initially I decided I'd drive him back and capitalize on an opportunity to travel "home" unexpected. As it got closer I felt more apprehension. So much was uncertain and I was/am really struggling with my health...and emotions. I backed out. Staying put seemed like the best option. I had things to do and I couldn't imagine anymore interferences.
I felt guilty everyday. I knew there were people that'd be disappointed if they knew what was going on. But on the other hand I just knew the place I'm at in "things". I bit my tongue and didn't tell anyone about the passed opportunity.
The afternoon before he was set to fly out it officially happened. I fell apart. There aren't enough words to describe the thoughts and feelings that we're flooding me. I needed to escape...immediately. I canceled his ticket and when he got home I informed him we're driving out tonight! I know he's been worried but obviously it wasn't too crazy cause he agreed. I called into work and we were off.
I was back for all of 36hrs and only managed to see a handful of people. It has a special place in my heart, as do the people and the memories. All of this was mostly about the drive. I'm not one to volunteer 28hrs in the car but it was very therapeutic.
Zoned out. Concentrated. Distracted. Cerebral. Distraught. All and I mean ALL of that.
I went back and forth with a lot of issues and though there isn't total clarity I managed a break. To those that I did see and couldn't help mention how visible sad I seem (Guess I won't be winning any Oscars.)... Well I'm sorry about the miserable company and I'm working on it.
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