the passenger seat

I’m in the grip of an inner conflict. I’m ready to accept movement and change but I’m also thinking it might be best to keep things status quo for a bit. I’m sure it’s mostly rationality but maybe some doubt is working its way in as well. The weird thing is I forget what direction I want to go with it.  I lay down guidelines and time frames only to catch myself overlooking the fact that maybe it’s not the best.

Be still. Be quiet. Be patient.

It’s all active and passive.

That’s the conflict.

I’m meant to be doing but I am still waiting for the instructionS.

I’ve been in healthcare for some time now and have learned there’s something called passive movement. In laymen’s terms, it means the movement is occurring from an outside source. Get where I’m going with this? I’m in state of continuous passive motion. Things are moving but not through my own control.

It’s like experiencing motion after movement has stopped. Ever got off a boat and still felt shaky? Road in a car too long and your legs take time to adjust? It’s similar and yes it’s it physically apparent. At least to me.  Other than any uneasiness to steady myself it’s turning out to be a great experience, especially now that I’m working out what’s happening.

Though it’s far from humble I am proud of myself. Because with each movement I feel ready. I am accepting guidance and being prepared at a moment’s notice and not needing explanation and not needing too many details I’m eager. I’m listening. I’m willing. I’m ready.

the distinction

I could be alone in this but sometimes I mix up loyalty and control. Seem kinda funny, right? Not something all that interchangeable it would seem.  However for me these concepts are. It might be fair to say "people" mix up their actions and/or emotions often. Consciously? Unconsciously? Tough to say. This is me.... and my issue... and I'm owning it.

There have been numerous situations personal and professional in which I've overestimated myself as well as my presence. Overly confident, I believed that a requirement of success was that I was a part of it. Relationships would break down without my insight and mediation. Business would falter without my dedication and capabilities. I sound severily obnoxious right now. Totally obnoxious. 

If you're still reading and don't want to kill me yet please understand there was some goodness in all of it. I love to be a part of things. Who doesn't? People want to be wanted. Feeling important, necessary was/is a source of satisfaction. I've convinced myself not to make sudden changes, or any for that matter, to maintain a sense loyalty. Loyalty to things I truly feel passionately about.

But it's not, nor was, true loyalty but really part of my control freak ways. I have an insatiable need, not want, to have involvement because  it's an opportunity to be in control. I'm naturally bossy, a bit of a know-it-all...the truth hurts. All this honesty or revelation comes from me throwing myself into an extreme period of uncertainty.

I can make great decisions and work hard but controlling every aspect of life just isn't possible. For being such a smarty pants I don't know the current answers. My problems are very real, that's evident. I'm working on accepting that my taking a risk isn't exactly reckless. The fact that my approach is somewhat out of character doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because these changes don't benefit everyone doesn't make me a bad person. Finally being aware of all of this and decerning what is what is going to help me  during  next phase.

something unexpectedly expected

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Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. -Steve Jobs
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We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -Sir Winston Churchill
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Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. -Maya Angelou
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Some very wise words from accomplished visionaries. I feel hope and guidance with quotes like this. For too long, work was claiming too much from me. Time. Emotion. Plans. My Future. The demands were headed toward a breaking point. C'mon, we all saw it coming, right?

Well last week without warning but not surprise I put in my notice. I know people say don't make major decisions based on emotion but it is emotional. Right after it happened I bawled like a baby in the bathroom. Once I recovered I realized I was crying from relief. Exhaustion from holding it together for so long had released.

I don't have a plan. Lord, I wish I did. I should have been better prepared but what I thought was endurance was lack of courage to walk away... from money. All the new fear from letting go of the old fear is forming. Because sometimes that happens. When something is removed the void is filled. Obvioulsy new fear(s) fits so perfectly in old fear(s) place. It' my job to revoke that invitation and quickly build the things I want in this space.

I'll be done here in a week or so and I can honestly say I'm at peace about the actual decsion. It's been nothing but reaffirming. The other stuff is the source of worry. I'm franitcally sending out applications to start a new postion that maybe just maybe holds some promise. I'm ready to be a better person, wife, friend etc...and not be so captive and directed by the abuse I've been subjected too.

And of all the quotes this is by far my favorite.

 

 

friendship pact

antiquated

nerves latched on to hopes

excitement born from opportunity

doubt proceeded by confidence

long lengths of worry, confusion

utter sadness

pondering all of the "nexts"

leaps and bounds

a very, very far fall

safety nets

different approach, plan, direction

open.

the itch

Last week my husband and I celebrated our 7^th wedding anniversary.  We’ve yet to do anything extra special due to other commitments. While we we’re talking about it we both realized how much we’ve changed and in the same regard how much we’re the same. I guess you’d have to experience it to know what I mean.

Something I will say though is that people don’t give time enough credit. They want to rush through relationships and milestones and declare it’s the same as someone who’s been with their partner a great deal of time. I never was one to be very opinionated on the matter but I’d have to disagree. I don’t doubt their devotion but something is grown in the longevity of a relationship.

I certainly love my husband now more than I did then. And by more I mean deeper and matured. Love that goes beyond attractions and connection to pure selflessness. I want him to be happy. I don’t want him to feel anything negative. I’ve become a protector, a care giver, a supporter, a partner, a best friend. We’re pretty cheesy but we consider one another each other’s best friend. The first and sometimes the only person I want to share things with. All the things…exciting, sad, ugly, embarrassing. All.

We had a bond before that grew from a friendship but time has given us so much more. We’ve been through so much and because of that we’re better equipped to meet each other’s needs, comfort, care, bless, provide and enjoy one another more than I wasn’t capable seven years ago or even knew if that was something I’d want in our relationship.

I’m so thankful for the time we’ve been given to figure things out, good and bad. Marriage is one of the most insightful, frustrating and fulfilling things I’ve ever been able to experience. I feel undeservingly lucky. Grateful for the supportive prayers and advice of friends and family and every other moment that brought us to this point.

Maintain(ing) it all

By now you know I love words. I believe I even wrote a post declaring it. Today’s word is:

main·tain
transitive verb \mān-ˈtān, mən-\
: to cause (something) to exist or continue without changing
: to keep (something) in good condition by making repairs, correcting problems, etc.
: to continue having or doing (something)
— main·tain·abil·i·ty\-ˌtā-nə-ˈbi-lə-tē\noun
— main·tain·able\-ˈtā-nə-bəl\adjective
— main·tain·ernoun

Lately I’ve been struck by this work or hung up on its practices more or less. Maintenance makes me think of physical labor. Hard working men. Blue collar. I know my macho categorizing sounds terribly anti-feminist. As I thought about the state of things, life that is, I realized I am my own maintenance worker and it has become a daily routine just to maintain my existence…

Maintaining my house.
Maintaining my weight.
Maintaining my marriage.
Maintaining my friendships.
Maintaining my employment.
Maintaining my blog.

Does anyone else have this feeling? Constantly striving for self-sustainability? I’m experiencing it as a noun, verb, and adjective. I feel an innate urge to care and worry for others but most of my own worriers are for problems that don’t exist yet. I want to excel in so many areas of my life. Actually, I meant to say all, at least I know my heart thinks it. Perfection isn’t attainable but sometimes it sure is desirable. 

The thing about it is I’m going to try and maintain my sanity for a little while. That might mean my house is a little messy. I might need to rely on my friends more than usual. My job will just need to be a job and not a life for a bit. All the secondaries will make do so the primaries can get proper attention.

I’m trusting that things will work themselves out, people will understand. I know they will. Maintaining is a wonderful talent. Having full knowledge of so many aspects of my life and repairing and making things continue is where I want to be again, soon. Right now however, my focus is needed more specifically in certain areas that require more than just general knowledge but specialist attention.