Monday, November 18, 2013

the distinction

I could be alone in this but sometimes I mix up loyalty and control. Seem kinda funny, right? Not something all that interchangeable it would seem.  However for me these concepts are. It might be fair to say "people" mix up their actions and/or emotions often. Consciously? Unconsciously? Tough to say. This is me.... and my issue... and I'm owning it.

There have been numerous situations personal and professional in which I've overestimated myself as well as my presence. Overly confident, I believed that a requirement of success was that I was a part of it. Relationships would break down without my insight and mediation. Business would falter without my dedication and capabilities. I sound severily obnoxious right now. Totally obnoxious. 

If you're still reading and don't want to kill me yet please understand there was some goodness in all of it. I love to be a part of things. Who doesn't? People want to be wanted. Feeling important, necessary was/is a source of satisfaction. I've convinced myself not to make sudden changes, or any for that matter, to maintain a sense loyalty. Loyalty to things I truly feel passionately about.

But it's not, nor was, true loyalty but really part of my control freak ways. I have an insatiable need, not want, to have involvement because  it's an opportunity to be in control. I'm naturally bossy, a bit of a know-it-all...the truth hurts. All this honesty or revelation comes from me throwing myself into an extreme period of uncertainty.

I can make great decisions and work hard but controlling every aspect of life just isn't possible. For being such a smarty pants I don't know the current answers. My problems are very real, that's evident. I'm working on accepting that my taking a risk isn't exactly reckless. The fact that my approach is somewhat out of character doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because these changes don't benefit everyone doesn't make me a bad person. Finally being aware of all of this and decerning what is what is going to help me  during  next phase.



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