not that girl

I've been going the gym the last week or so and it still stands, I hate the gym. Oh, how I loathe it. I've never been that person, certainly not exercising independently, though I don't mind a group glass, given it's fairly mild. I don't like it because I feel so out of my element. Generally, as history proves, if I'm not good at it, I'm not interested.

Aside from feeling like a spectacle, I've never gotten results worth the effort and I don't know what it is but the gym gives me severe ADD. From choosing machines, to people watching... I'm all over the place. All these things are still true, especially the dread, but I'm doing it.

I know it's got benefits beyond skin deep that my body needs and that's my driving force. Being home has made me so antsy and the outside weather isn't inviting. I just felt like moving and of it needed to be a treadmill so be it. Another positive and part of the initial push was my sleep issues. I was/am do drowsy. Couldn't sleep through the night but physically couldn't nap during the day. I've actually never been able too, unless I'm medicated. I'm happy to say sleep has come and I'm starting to feel refreshed.

Hopefully I can keep this habit going and maybe even catch a glimpse of those results we're all desperate for.

open letter

Dear Self-

It's okay...just breath. You're gonna forget to do things. Maybe you just don't feel like doing much but you have to keep going. Sure you failed at a basic pancake recipe, the house is in disarray, your still unemployed but it's okay. This is reality and fear and panic attacks are not helping.

Be calm. Remain willing. Timing is everything and when it happens it'll be right. Things are going to work out. Just breath. and trust.

-Rachel

non•pre•verbial

Not all days are at a state of peace and enlightenment...therefore neither are all posts. Currently I feel panicky about all this uncertainly. My patience is fading.

Yes, I'm scared. But I'm also anxious. I'm so ready for the next step. As much as I worry I still feel pretty good about things just tired of hanging around...literally.

I regret saying that but I'm struggling staying occupied or even focused. Unrealistically I imaged my house to be totally revamped, my body as fit as a fiddle and all those things that "if only I had the time" would be perfect. All if it would be great but I really just want a job or at least not to worry about having one.

Tomorrow will be better, I feel it.

never too early

I can't believe it's midweek and I haven't blogged yet! What in the world? I meant to bring this up before, but you know how that goes... But next holiday season I am making it my goal to do Christmas cards.

I don't know when they became a thing again or maybe I'm just old enough now to appreciate them. When I was younger, they seemed boring and tacky and only came from weird and/or old family members. Right? But I relish over each one that shows up now and I'm so anxious to finally put my ideas into actuality.

Every year I want to and every year I don't and I'm always so disappointed. I have photos of us that I intended to print to cards but failed to do so. Sometimes it was about time or cost but honestly it was mostly, if not entirely, fear of documenting my personal flaws (weight gain and childless). I know, ridiculous but I'm serious. In the back of my mind I was waiting for the "right time". Many, many years later hear we are and not a single card to show for it and that's sad.

I'm super excited too... Even if it is almost a year away.

the other thing

A few months back I had a doctors appointment and even posted a few traumatizing details. I figured I'd extend an update on that as well. The update is, that there is no update.

When I left my job I also left insurance coverage. That played a major role in why I stayed as long as I did. A lot of the treatment I need to pursue would be extended, without guarantee and expense. Luckily I'm not on a rigid timetable yet.

It was a big decision. Some days I'm more ambivalent about that than anything else. I knew putting my "dreams" on hold would be tough... some days are harder than others. That's life. But I do feel healthier minus the stress and nerves. I am fortunate enough to be able to affords medications and have an awesome doctor prescribing with limited visits.

Just checking in.

the happening

The week was pretty active in the job front. I'd honestly only applied for a few positions to date. I really want to find what's right for "me" and not settle if I can help it.

I started to get emails and calls to set up interviews, some poising ions is applied months ago and practically forgot about. For the most part they're just prescreening but it's a step in the right direction. I know it doesn't guarantee me one of these spots but I'm pleased to feel like I'm making progress.

I will say true job hunting is not for the faint of heart. Constant judgment, uncertain questions with non specific answers, rejection... Certainly not something I hope to experience long term. It's also a lot of work, which is fine since my current job is to find a job.

Just to vent, and I know many others (the general population) agree, here's some current frustrations...

*I'm over-qualified
*I'm under-qualified
*Having to generate usernames and passwords at all these individual sites
*Having to fill out applications with information clearly on my resume, by the way if my resume didn't include that information I shouldn't be hired anyway
*Not giving the opportunity to attach cover letter/letter of interest
*Ambush interview phone calls
*Not listing hiring ranges
*Limited recruitment
*False promises of calls, emails, time frames etc...
*Interview panels that exceed 3 people
*Non supervisory experience (shame on me for promotions in the past?)

just like that

and just like that
options appear
brighter paths are getting closer
reassurance hugs tight
plans float out the window

and just like that
my eyes adjust
priorities march into place
timing triumphs ideals
peace reigns

the no-schedule trap

I'm falling deeper into a pattern of "no schedule". I still managed to feel little rushed and overwhelmed but I know it's because I'm not really being all that productive. I'm working out of the habit of telling people that I'm "busy" too. It's a natural, knee jerk response. Not all of the time, but a lot of times when people say they're busy, to me it's almost insulting because it makes it seem like those people are those events are lower on the priority totem pole. Feel free to agree to disagree. Technically, I'm not that busy, or at least I shouldn't be if I manage my time better.

I will say it.is.glorious! For a girl with a passion for planning, admittedly I'm really enjoying myself right now. But that glitter is going to rub off, maybe even has a little bit already, so I want to make the most of this time. I'm working on a schedule to keep me up and on my feet and at a respectable pace. I've got a spreadsheet going for items that I've been planning on selling for years, no joke years etc.... When I start working again I know I won't have time continue this type of rewarding diligence and I'll be kicking myself so it's really for the best.

Trying hard to blog more frequently, consistently, and most importantly, sincerely. We don't have Internet at the house so it makes it a little tricky. A lot of my writing happens at the library. Then there are many post like today, done on my cell phone. Not impossible, but certainly not ideal. Hopefully this explains a lot of the grammar, spelling, template errors. The plan is to be back tomorrow (routine, routine, routine) and produce a "real" post.

reclaiming the puzzle pieces

I was thinking this morning about going through blessings and items of thankfulness alphabetically... Possibly in February since there's only 28 days, that way I can cover 26 letters plus a couple other random posts, since I'm so good a those.

More organically though, I'm sitting here completely overwhelmed by my fortune and my ability to see it. I wish I were good at engaging in my lovely life everyday but I often fall short.

Thank you Lord for...
possibilities, puppy dogs, desires, hard working husbands, spicy chicken sandwiches, friends worth missing, headbands, sparkling cranberry candles, four-wheel-drive, strength, fireplaces, a sense of humor, hot tea, and Psalms 127:2b.

turning tables

I briefly touched on this the other day... My dire effort to be fluid and just role with things. It's so hard, people. This is just one of many regards this is another way my husband and  I are polar opposites. Its' part control; part anxiety; and part social disorder. Not only do I feel an intense need to be physically prepared there's a mental component as well. When he burst in with a last minute plans I hit freakout mode. Not good.

Well, i'm getting better. The other day he needed to drive out to get something and wanted me to join. Great, quality time, right? Wrong. I hadn't had time to process it. I didn't want to be in the car for 4 hours there and back and it was already late. What about my plans? After  I wrestled with all my misgivings  I decided to go. Apart from everything it felt like the right choice even though not entirely desirable.

Half an hour in we hit major traffic. I felt doomed. But wasn't. He pulled off the highway and wehad an  incredible  sushi dinner, walked around Target, stopped for ice cream and just talked and talked and talked.

It worked out... and better than I could have imagined and more importantly, could have "planned". I let go of my issues and wants (if even just for a night) and gave into someone/something else. It felt amazing too. Not just cause things worked out in my favor but because I was putting someone else in front of me even though it was hard for  me to be spontaneous. The next night we decided to attempt the trip again and though it was a long trip it was just as enjoyable as the night before and a lot easier to agree to. 

rise up

I rarely look back at old post, practically never. I know myself too well. Sure comparisons are fun but I'm a tough personal critic. I'm not a flashy blogger, just sentimental one. Moments and self revelations are worked through on here and left. It gives me a chance to unburden and continue otherwise I relive and overanalyze all the bits and pieces of my life and it keeps me from living it.

I broke my own rule to see where I've come, what I've achieved and what is still in progress while prepping for 2014. I still have some basics such as lose weight, travel more, find a job etc... But there are (5) things, that if nothing else makes it, will change me from the inside out and I'll strive to make my top priority.

1. clarify: revisit what God has called on my life

2. purify: stop living a double life

3. simplify: decerning is it a good thing or is it a God thing

4. modify: make changes I need to make

5. magnify: the One

rain check post, please

So things haven't exactly gone as planned, go figure. Some unexpected setbacks had kept me from my blogging goals. On New Year's Day a few hours after I woke enjoying some indulgence {Starbucks} three consecutive things happened (1) I realized I had a horrible earache. (2) One of my favorite shirts had a rip in it, seriously like in the top five. (3) I'd lost a credit card.

So the shirt was pitched, and I'll just buy a new one as a consolation. The credit card got canceled, just awaiting a new one. But the earache  was much more sinister. After self-diagnosis, and then a meeting with my physician we agreed that it's a sign my shingles are trying to make a very unwelcome return. Lord help me if it does. Since then I've had a tremendous amount of sensory nerve pain. The current goals: try to remain calm and take care of myself.

My "resolution list" is coming along nicely and hopefully I'll be able to post that and get some other entries in as time and my health allow. Happy New Year!

the eve of everything

Fresh off holiday highs the new year is always a magical time. All over the world people begin to cleanse... their bodies, souls, and minds. It's one the most hopeful, inspiring, introspective and maybe even a bit irrational of times...or least it can be. You can just walk away from a year of setbacks and disappointments, so to speak, wave goodbye and press on. People start to look within, challenge and believe themselves. It's a social norm and I love it.

It goes both ways...I know individuals that would like to leave 2013 and everything it presented. I also know others that experienced their greatest highs this year. I'm somewhere in the middle I guess. I'm taking a lot away from this year but I'm also anxiously awaiting to see what's yet to come.

The realist in me knows the only actual changes exist in the date, tax year, and aging birthdays. But the dreamer in me believes in the humanity and the extreme capabilities I only tend to see in a fresh start.

Resolutions are to come, because challenges always seem more achievable at the beginning, but there are some things I hope to continue in the coming year. Being able to take away and see good in change and difficulties shows how I'm maturing and becoming comfortable with "me" and the "right now", separated from all the "things" and waiting, it's enough. There's success in growing and accepting and learning, even it's the hard way. I'd say it was a good year and next year will be even more so and I'm not leaving these life truths behind. Next year I hope...

-That I continue to not give up on my dreams. I know that sounds very Disney but despite the fact that certain ones haven't been fulfilled (yet) is not a reason to give up.

-That I continue to "go with the flow". Certainly not my first instinct but  a positive change and surprisingly a major improvement in my marriage.

-That I continue to "share", again it's not instinctive but has sheltered me and carried me through what seemed like impossible days.

- That I continue to live simply. It's kept me honest with myself and others and allowed me to see life clearer than ever.

-That I continue to trust myself and the choices that I'm make.

the waiting places

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there

in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...

or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike

and I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

and remember that Life's

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!

merry and bright

I've been working very hard to make up for the fact that I've not been working. For the record, I'm the only one that's been putting this kind of pressure on myself. I've practically been trying to make up for years of non stop working by tackling everything. The "from scratch" quota has risen, the "one day" projects have been given life and all of it hasn't happened without sacrifice. As I contemplated my evening I'd realized I lost something, something BIG...my Christmas spirit.

It's true. It can happen. It burst in early this year. Almost a month ago I'd organized my holiday music and loaded it in the car. I drug out all the essential decorations and purchased ingredients for out favorite seasonal cookies. Then I puttered out. I didn't turn negative or intentionally fall short. I just neglected it.

Not working had kept me at home away from the regular reminders. I wasn't really driving anyway, certainly not regularly, so my Christmas music wasted away in the car. Long talks and late nights overtook time with favorite holiday films. Sickness and healthier options warded off cookie cravings. I looked around and I could see Christmas but I couldn't feel it. I was failing.

(Be prepared for cliches...)
What am doing! Christmas only comes once a year. A magical time that really is the the most wonderful time of the year. Seriously though, these are sayings for a reason. And I was missing it. Despite everything, I'm not going to get to have the 2013 Christmas season ever again and I need to fight for it.

First order of business I made cookies. Admittedly they were the no bake, edible raw cookie dough cookies. You know the egg free kind. Hey it was a start and it got me mixing and nibbling and merry-ing. We put in White Christmas and I smiled and cried through most of it...like aways.

It's back and maybe it's a little more high maintenance and than years before but at least I won't regret letting it pass me by. Skimping on traditions and not celebrating things that out to be celebrated is not something I want to be my memory of this year. Today got creative and rocked gift shopping. On to wrapping, warm drinks and more Christmas.

what's the word

Ben: Ugh, I hate this thing. How much longer will it live?

Me: (from the other room) What? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ben: (pointing emphatically) This! This! This ....pointelle.

Me: (walking around corner) I think you mean poinsettia.

Ben: Whatever it's called. Can we get rid of it yet?

I was momentarily proud he properly pronounced a fashion knit pattern. Obviously, disappointed in its misuse. But hey, in his mind clothes and flowers are both "frou frou" so it gets categorized in the same place I guess.

*The poinsettia was a gift from a Thanksgiving guest and I'm absolutely in love with it. It was such a thoughtful gesture however between Ben's unnecessary disdain for it and my absentminded neglect it probably won't last much longer.

pep talk

I had a really bad case of word vomit yesterday. I know, it's a horrible term but it feels pretty accurate. I physically could not shut up. Once I finally came to a halt I was completely dumbfounded. I think I still am. I'm usually pretty good "talker" but this was shameful.

It's over now it's already been done and I need to deal with it. Whatever the consequences may be I hope they just hurry up so I can get through it. There are few consequences that I think can compare to how hard am on myself.

That's the thing… I'm extremely understanding and forgiving person when it comes to others.  Personal flaws and mistakes that's another story. But I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that.

I'm leaving it here though. It's done. I'm done with feeling this way. I'm ready to move on. As instructed, I'm "casting my cares on Him". Every time sickening regret tries to creep in I'm forcing it out. Goodbye to yesterday's imperfections.

afterthought

I feel like going to have put this out there. Just struggling to figure out the right way. The other day I felt frustrated by some blogs that I follow and in some respects really admire(d). I actually follow a lot of different blogs and I do mean different. Just like other indulgences in my life there's a lot of variations... Some for creative guidance, some for humor... lots of "somes" in different shapes, sizes and purposes.

After time, and sometimes without the expectation you begin to become "connected" with these people through their blogs. And then sometimes, when you feel "connected" with people the expectations begin to grow. It's absurd because I don't "know" these people ... In these scenarios that is. All the personal sharing sometimes makes it feel like it's alright to judge or critique. I'm certainly not the person to publicly comment but I do take notes...in mind and surmise not always good/nice things.

All this led me to a thought the other day. I am a spiritual person and more than that I'm a religious person. I don't openly discuss a lot of matters here. Primarily because it's not the general focus of what I'm actually doing on here however it is a part of my daily life so why doesn't it make a more frequent appearance on my blog? I don't know if it's conviction or what but I have been thinking about it.

I actually possess quite a bit of knowledge on it. I was fortunate enough to have a lot of exposure and classes on Biblical matters growing up. But I don't feel like this is a platform for me. I don't think that I'm a person that is equipped to share certain things. At least not currently. I've read a lot of my non-devotional blogs lately and people have been discussing their personal views on religion/spiritual subjects and I cringe. A lot of it just hurts my heart to hear how people are searching for answers or missing the mark. I worry that my personal point of view will get mixed up in the true meanings in the real point and that's a big problem. I've never felt like religion is a cafeteria plan where you can pick and choose what you do and don't want so I stay within my comfort zone.

This is probably not the best approach but somehow I wanted to address it. I want to figure out how to incorporate it and explain why it hasn't been a blatantly present subject. We'll just have to see where it goes from here...

The Harmony-Seeking Idealist

I love personality test, always have. I think I enjoy them so much because they're so "telling". It's just fun to be a little mystified and "found out". I don't take too much stock in them but if I come across one I can't resist taking it. This morning a friend forwarded me one from ipersonic.com. There's only four sections and I was concerned with the way things were bundled up it wouldn't be accurate. Wrong, so wrong. So if you have a few minutes to waste check it out.

Have we met? If not, for better or for worse, this is me:


Harmony-Seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character.

But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.
Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. Their demands on friends and partners are very high. As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result.

Adjectives that describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, harmony-seeking, understanding, peace-loving, sensitive, quiet, sympathetic, conscientious, dogged, complicated, inconspicuous, warm-hearted, complex, imaginative, inspiring, helpful, demanding, communicative, reserved, vulnerable

mission discovery

Do you ever feel like you keep relearning the same lessons in life? If so, does that mean you ever really learned it...? or maybe it's honest forgetfulness...? or denial? Now that I'm actually thinking while I'm doing and having a moment to process things I'm really learning about myself. Lots of silly stuff but there's also some serious stuff in there to.

Today I had a candy attack. In case you didn't know I'm the candy queen. It is my weakness and I privy to all the lesser known good stuff. Today I needed chewy and of course there wasn't anything remotely close to that in the house, so I went to the store. Luckily we actually needed real grocery items so it was kind of a win-win. A lesson I repeatedly ignore and always pay the consequence is never, ever, ever, under any circumstance go to the grocery store hungry. I can't even tell you how much junk I bought- it's far too embarrassing. Besides it was all a blur so the details escape me.

Another lesson refresher...Turns out I'm a social person. I think sometimes I just joke around about not being because I'm so selective and just like who I like. I also confuse it with the fact that I am a homebody. Before of course I preferred to stay home at night and relax because I've been working all day however I overlook the hours of human communication and contact that I (as much as I sometimes complained about) miss... in a small way. 

Fast forwarding over the other surfaced stuff I'm re-realizing how sensitive I am. I mean it's inescapable but I'm being more cautious about triggers. All this time with limited interruptions I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings. Thinking about memories, almost, decisions, uncertainties etc... Movies, books, music, any number of the things can take me down that rabbit hole so I'm moderating myself because before I know it my mood as been decided. I'm prone to a melancholy personality so I certainly don't need help there. Figuring it at a moment at a time I guess.

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your "
 -Theodore Roethke