1,2,3, breathe

 

I am safe. Sheltered. Beyond reach. The comfort is constant and faithful. The peace is coming.

a power of wills

I will.
I will...try harder.
I will...forgive myself.
I will...let people in.
I will...overcome my obstacles.
I will...pace myself.
I will...match my determination with my goals.
I will...find strength in others.
I will...surround myself with excitement.
I will...enjoy every bit.
I will...learn to accept.
I will...remain calm.
I will.

Cheat Sheet: Baked Brie

I grew up in a very young home. We were a busy bunch, figuring it out as best as we could and just trying to get by. Because of this we didn’t have very many traditions. That’s something that bothered me and I hope to create my own “isms” and start some things that’ll will turn into traditions. I don’t imagine they’ll be too customary but I love when something has a routine feel or takes you back to a memory.

In my house, we like cheese. Technically I shouldn’t eat cheese but that’s not likely to happen. We consider ourselves connoisseurs and we “buy it from the nice part of the store”. Quick, what is that quote from? An absolute fav is brie and we take is a step further and transform it to baked brie and that’s by far the best way to serve it.. well in my opinion.

This is something that we have for a late lunch in the summer or an appetizer when company is expected. It’s quite rich and filling. It just feels special and makes me feel a bit grown up. Another beloved occasion is sharing it with special friends and a bottle of wine.

The recipe:   

1 round Brie cheese
1 sheet of pastry puff
1-2 apple(s)
1 package of crackers

Optional:
chutney, jam/jelly, fruit past
1 egg

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cook for 30 minutes.

 

This is simple, I promise. Basically your just wrap your cheese up, bake it and serve. Viola! But I’ll do a walk through just to be safe. This recipe is pretty user friendly but I do like to dress mine up a bit.

 

 

You're looking at this pic and thinking "Hmm, what's that to the right?" they're dates. I like to chopped them up and add them. Then my husband reminded me that I am not in the majority and most people don't like dates or even know what the are soooo I skipped it. 

Also, don't worry about the brand when it comes to brie. I tend to purchase whatever one is on sale. Never met one I didn't like. As you can see I went with Kroger because it tends to run about a $1 less than the others.



  

There's some white, chalky stuff on the cheese called a rind. Leave it on, don't worry it's edible. You'll probably need to thaw your pastry puff. Check the package for details. I like to roll it out a bit and I think it makes it easier to handle. If I don't have pastry puff you can use a crescent rolls or pie crust pr any doughy based item on hand. I've done all sorts of alternatives but this is by far my preferred. Wrap it up entirely. If it's not completely covered the cheese will melt and ooze out.

 

 

Woah! Extreme close up! Sorry Wayne's World reference. This is my mind on a daily basis. Here comes the optional bit...I like to brush mine with egg wash. Put simply, an egg beaten with a splash of water. You brush it on an it gives it an added hint of flavor and a nice golden color. Do it, don't do it, whateva. Bake it for 30 minutes at 350 degrees and that's that.

 

 

Let it cool for about 5 minutes during which you can slice up your apples. I suggest green apples because their tartness pairs well with the brie. I've also served with strawberries and grapes, predominately when company is around because we're happy with just apples. Again with company, I'll serve with a chutney to spreed on crackers. It could be anything you have on hand but if you wanna go all out, do something fun like a jalapeno and berry blend. Not sure how available they are but my store has a number of funky spicy/sweet blends. I'm just having a lazy night so I opted out.

 

About now I would insert a picture of a water cracker with some brie and an apple slice on top but we got a little over excited and frankly after the first dig it's not at all photogenic.

 

 

 

 

bee tee dubs

Something I love about blogging is that you can go back and have a record of the forgotten day to day. Something I hate about blogging is that you can go back and have a record of the forgotten day to day. Get it? I’m being serious here… Doing this allows me to reflect and see how far I’ve come. But doing this also shows me how little seems to have changed and I start to abhor my “voice” because I seem very whiney. Sorry to disappoint but today’s post is more of that. I try to curb my emotions but the thing is that I am melodramatic. It’s just me being myself so if thoughts and feelings seem a bit theatrical that’s simply my natural disposition.

I had to go swimsuit shopping this weekend. Bet you know where I’m going with this. There are few things I despise more. The thing is that you kinda need a bathing suit in the Bahamas. I live in Colorado so it’s not really a wardrobe staple. To be honest this wasn’t the vacation I had planned. Don’t get me wrong I’m as excited as ever and worked hard to get to go but ideally I planned a trip that wouldn’t require showing as little skin as possible. I was intentionally avoiding the beach. All part of the more clothes good, less clothes bad mind set. Unfortunately plans changed, more on that later, and we didn’t have the time needed to go on the other trip but we’re still going somewhere and that’s what counts.

To say it was hard feels like an understatement. Of course I knew I wouldn’t be enjoying myself but I didn’t plan on having a mini breakdown that I only hope with time becomes a mini breakthrough. You know those testimonials you hear when people know it’s time for a change and become unstoppable? I hope mine comes soon. I’m waiting for my willpower to match my desire. Sure this is a physical disappointment but I think it’s a product of a lot of other things and largely a control issue. I’m unable to control me body’s overall health but can’t I at least look good? I feel broken in so many ways.

Light is piercing but darkness, well it’s a creeper and that’s exactly what it did. Disgust turned to frustration and soon brought tears and then I was just plain angry. I don’t want to promote body shamming and go on and on about it but I think we all probably struggle with it at different severity's and feeling grotesque is not a way to live. The crying advanced to sobbing. It was so much more than being uncomfortable. I sat on that cold, cramped bench and felt exhausted. I was crying because I missed my body, not some super-model-media-approved body but my body. I don’t feel like me. I cried for my youth and I cried for a lot of things I didn’t realize were bothering me at the moment. I was utterly defeated and felt caught in another cycle.

Plans to exercise, to only eat salad, and not buy new pants because the current ones don’t fit. Maybe it’ll work, maybe I’ll lapse again. It was time to retreat home so I hopped in the car for my hour drive home, cranked FUN up deafening loud and sang the entire album off key and the top of my lungs. My face wet from tears and that was it. I survived but the problem is still there and I dream of achieving my goals. I want to be able to worry about real issues and of course still have bad days but not nearly as debilitating. I long for balance and peace and acceptance of myself, from myself. That’s all I can do, make a plan and try.


　

 

my own personal village

I got to writing today and as usually was going in numerous different directions and after the umpteenth tangent I realized I'd better work through my thoughts and break it up into multiple posts. It’s exciting having something to say but aggravating when you can’t figure out a way to get your point across. I got to thinking about my village. You know that saying “it takes a village”” It’s generally in reference to child rearing but I don’t think it stops there. I feel like we’re constantly evolving, growing and with all that change you can’t limit a phrase like that. Without out my village there’s no way I would have made it this far. No way, no how. They didn't disband when I left adolescence either, maybe there was a shift and a regrouping but I've always been surrounded. They’re there. I see them. I feel them.

As I was writing I was getting irritated trying to organize my rapid thoughts and pooh-poohing my own abilities when I thought “who cares?” I know my village won’t. I guess you can comprise a village based on your own personal needs because I know I’m better off than a lot of others and whom they choose to count on. Mine has mastered the art patience, they wait vigilantly to come to my aid with wisdom, comfort, encouragement; whatever the need is. I even have a select few that see the signals beforehand and spring into action. It takes a lot. I’m not one dimensional and I often try to act independently so this team, this village, is an incredible group that I rely on every.single.day.

My village…I have individuals present that are experiencing similar situations in life. They march alongside and in some overwhelming moments they’re the only ones I allow to help. I personally find it hard not to hurt when others hurt so when there’s a mutual understanding that’s often the only way I feel comfortable unloading.

My village…The newbie’s, they have bright, new takes on everything. Sometimes those fresh takes are the easiest way to affirm a lifelong bond.

My village…Out in front are the people I respect and love that they are experiencing life at the absolute fullest. Seemingly shielding me with their joy and changing my perspective about each battle. Some people might keep friends like this at bay because comparing seems unavoidable but I enjoy having these people around because it reminds me of what life could be for me one day. 

My village…The long time residents that just “get it” comprised of mostly family or friends as good as.

My village…The unsung heroes that quietly remain camped out but ready despite time or conflict or often being overlooked. They are sometimes the most unexpected guard and powerful ally you almost forgot you had.
I think about these people often. They are my courage, my strength, my direction, my shelter etc… all rallied around me. I don’t know how I got so lucky.

super short and kinda sweet

I was hoping for some extra time today. I feel like writing something but alas time is limited at the moment. Here’s my quick check in…a day of…

Silliness. Mine was Burgundy Hummus. Pretty rockstar sounding huh, or maybe a celebrity baby name?

Indulgence. Warning, I was a cheapskate and got the off brand first. No sir, not got at all.

Question. I have this shirt and every time I wear it my husband says "nice rack". Honestly I didn't have a clue but think I get it... Is it meant to be suggestive? Not sure I'm comfortable wearing it now.

 

Reminder. I love a little reminder to keep my chin up and my eyes forward.

 

Bun. Because we all need to catch a break and have cooperative hair some times.

 

Psalm 113:9

In case you were wondering, I haven’t had a period since Valentine’s Day. Nope not pregnant either. I’ve spent over thirty dollars checking and double checking just in case I’m that girl on an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant or Medical Mysteries. I’ve gone longer. Seriously people, I’m taking triple digit cycles. Of course I’m mad I’m not pregnant but even more upsetting is that my body is continuing to act up. When will it be right? I’m a crazy person these days. I can barely stand to be around myself but it’s not like that’s an option.

Truth: My hormones are out of control and my body is suffering. My faith is starting to question itself and my patience needs to be replenished. But another truth: It’s that time of year again. This was my due date. This was my baby’s birthday. It’s undeniably difficult. Three years is a long time. So much happens in that amount of time, fun stuff. The most fun.

I’ll get through this; the added factors are just taking a toll. One thing that makes me happy though, like Cheshire grin and watery eyes, is thinking about when it does happen…That’s going to be the best day, followed by even better ones as each milestone approaches.

on the hunt

Last week the server went down at work. Like kuputz, done. Left work on Tuesday and walked into a disaster on Wednesday. We didn’t have access to anything and no one seemed to get the gravity of the situation. We had urgent cases with no names, numbers, records, nothing…We were blind. Regardless of the nature of the business tensions are high when something of this magnitude happens. This also explains the less than stellar posts from me last week.

Here’s the thing, I’m looking for a new job and I have been for awhile now. I don’t know why I haven’t been more public about it. So imagine already being unhappy and then being thrown into a situation that just magnifies all your frustrations and further strains an already delicate relationship. HmmMmm.. it was pretty, pretty, pretty bad. I wish I wasn’t so high strung; it makes things slightly embarrassing after the fact. But that’s who I am, emotive.

I think part of me is reluctant to share because I don’t feel like I’m that person, that person that goes from job to job. I feel like I’m this overzealous, extremely dedicated employee that is looking for long term employment, I’m talking a thru retirement type thing. I have excelled at all my positions, made lasting friendships but I still can’t find the right fit. It almost feels like failure so of course I don’t wanna talk about it.

I joke about being a stay at home wife and I’m sure I’d enjoy it but I seriously do want to be employed. I want something where I can be appreciated and compensated and fulfilled. Oh and if I could be challenged too it’d be an added bonus. It has been trying. I thought about starting over and trying something else but I’ve been at it so long people see it as a drawback and we’re so geographically limited here, that options are few. I thought about waiting a little longer so the timing would be better but I’m not sure that’s an option any longer.

I also feel guilty. I’m employed which is such a blessing and it just so happens to pay well. So yeah, I feel like a jerk when so many others are struggling. I wish I was someone that just let stuff go. Clock in, clock out and not bring work home but that’s never been me. I’m too involved and care more than most.

There have been a couple positions that have come up but after saying I’m the perfect candidate they can’t risk hiring me and offending my doctor. These aren’t even really competitors or colleagues. I feel trapped. I feel like it’s not fair because I’m the right person for the job but am retrained by politics.

Am I rambling? Yeah I think I am. Certainly not a pretty post but I need a breakthrough and if I’m going to be putting it all out there might as well throw this out too. Prayers for patience, clarity, direction and opportunity would be wonderful.

getting my sea legs

Yesterday was chaotic from the get go. Minor crisis at work, sadly still unresolved, but one thing caught my eye and I had to post it. I just kept repeating it to myself because it was the only thing keeping me going. It was true and didn't require any addition fluff or words from me, thus the single picture without caption and the "plain and simple" post. 

During all this blogging I've managed to advance from just dipping my toes into the water to check the temperature to a full on submerged baptism. In case you were wondering the water's nice. Hoping to get more comfortable in this new environment.
 

Sometimes I swim like a fish.

Or float in the calm waters

I’ve been swept away by the current.

Even shaken up by crashing waves

Whether I'm adrift or paddling; choppy or placid... I'm still here.

All this sharing has been refreshing but still challenging. Once I can determine what and when I want to share things I'm hoping to get better I writing them. It hasn't been so much about the quality as it is about the delivery. Over thinking the grammatical and verbiage are secondary at this point. Just bare with me and we'll find a balance soon.

 

plain and simple

running in circles

Sometimes I think about inviting you to my blog. It sounds silly because it’s public but if you don’t know it’s out there I imagine you won’t be able to find it. Maybe it’s just another method of communication, the possibility of getting things out there. An opportunity for you to hear who I really am, inside. Then I think how utterly absurd it all sounds knowing that I will regret it right away and not just because I’m shy about some things but because it’s you. 

It's a painful relationship so I know what's to be expected because it never seems to change. We’re in such an awkward phase right now. I really feel like we’re heading toward where we were a few years back… We weren't even speaking and that worries me. Who’s to say we’d be able to recover from another falling out? Though you choose to believe it all happened for petty reasons it was because I needed to recover. to heal. and we both know that.

There's a lot that I don't understand…How is it that when I come in town you can't make any time for me? It's really only twice a year sometimes only once. You put so much effort into avoiding me, its blatantly obvious, and I continue to make it so easy. I'm so understanding. I’m so forgiving. I'm so flexible. I'm so amenable. I’m so accommodating… but still you avoid me… and it hurts. It hurts more than I want to admit and hurts more than most things I’ve experienced but it continues. I don't understand why you don't want to see me.

When I over-analyze and really think about it, I think I understand why you don't want to see me. I’m sure it has something to do with shame, inferiority or guilt and all those things and I try not to magnify or acknowledge them. Maybe seeing me opens those doors, and those moments become so fresh that they’re debilitating. But the thing is that those are your issues, your emotions to overcome and I feel like I’m the one who is made to suffer. I don't want to justify your behavior any more.

I see you going through some tough times with your own parents and really dealing with emotional issues and I hear you out and try to comfort you. But in those times I realize that  you can feel and see and care and have just an overall awareness of the people around you. But your concern isn’t for me. All that worry is put into your other relationships, the ones you neglected before and are just now feeling the regret of time lost. Why can't you realize the same thing is happening to us? But that’s what you continue to choose. Not your daughter but other people, yourself, again and again.

I'm still trying to be heard. I'm still trying to be seen. That's probably why I want you to see this blog. It is constant “Hey mom, look at me! Watch me! Hey mom! Hey mom!” moments and I need reassurance. I’m trying to earn something that should be free and in a way I want you to earn it from me too… But truth is I’ve never given ultimatums or requirements. It’s already free and ready. I’m not looking for this relationship to be something that it's not or something that it never was and probably isn't built to be... I just need to be wanted loved.

shooka-shooka shine down

The weekend…just as unproductive as the last. Even though I live in a wintery climate I was anticipating warmer weather as much as the next person, maybe even more so. The late season storm kept me from accomplishing what I had planned. With the continuous snow and highway closures my best option was to stay at home. I’m very much a homebody but when I finally have the focus and energy to get stuff done and I can’t, I get antsy. Those energy burst are few and far between so I try to capitalize on them but they always come at the most inopportune time, like in the middle of the night or in this case a blizzard. Though conditions changed my plans and my pace, there were some highlights.

 

A Getayway…Oh yes, yes I did. Booked a quick getaway to Miami/Bahamas that’ll be here before you know it. I’ll get to see my wonderful nephew Ashton; he prefers to be called AJ now, who is so unbelievably big it makes me happy and sad. After the obligatory family time, joking, it’ll be a few peaceful days in the Caribbean. So overdue but 25 days and counting.

 

Bonding…Talking to this girl on the phone. I feel like she’s been a teenager her whole life. We chat about shopping and make-up and all the girly stuff you can think of…It’s amazing that we’re so similar despite our limited interactions…my poor sister!

Pug and Pooh... Waiting so patiently for an invitation to snuggle. How I ever get anything done with this adorable distraction is beyond me.

Tea time… You know how some people say they were born in the wrong era? I totally get that by the way. Sometimes I get the feeling I was born on the wrong continent. My obsession with BBC television and passion for tea and biscuits in proof enough.

Peanuts and Paydays… Ok not the title but I love that part of the lyrics. Hearing this song (it’s on the top of playlist on the bottom) in below freezing temp brings the best warm fuzzies. Just happy, peppy, energizing music. Repeat.