gimme, gimme

I think it’s time to talk about something a little less consequential. I am fighting a soda addiction. I am undoubtedly and addict. Another issue is that I'm a puriest and like the real deal Coke. I'll drink whatever I get my hands on but if given a choice I prefer a cola. I’d replace meals with it if I could. I’d choose it over any dessert available. Seriously. Love the carbonated, sugary goodness.

I don’t know when it came about because I don’t recall being this attached to it in the past. I enjoyed it but I didn’t have it on the brain constantly. I’ve quit before only to innocently start back up again. This round has been a real fight. I think about it before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up. I make concessions with myself, arguing that I need it because of a bad day or stressful incident. I am consumed by the idea of my special treat.

People that say they don’t like soda get on my nerves. Especially now, it makes me violent. Another sign of addiction withdraws. It’s like those people that don’t like t.v. Whatever. Saying that is not helpful and I seriously doubt it. It’s been since Friday and I’m itching. I’ve gone longer without but these withdraws are intense.

I wish I was the type of person that that was grossed out by the endless information of sugar content and chemicals but I’m unfazed. As particular as I usually am about food it’s a weakness. Kinda like my secret love of fast food fish sandwiches. I know, I’m disgusting. I hope I stay on track because I know, or at least I think I know it’ll be better in the long haul.

dreams…things change

It’s on the horizon. Every year it comes and every year I feel unprepared. I have to say these things. I need to releases them, if only to be revealed after another year. Try not to worry, I’m fine considering but this next week is always more than I expected.

It’s been such a long time but sometimes feels like hardly any time has passed at all. I want a child. In fact, I’d like my 3 year old. I want to know their features. Their personality. Likes and Dislikes. I want to be exhausted from a bad day of tantrums and reassured of my purpose by a moment of bonding or of a peaceful sleeping baby. I’m not foolish. I want the good and all of the bad. I want what’s mine. I want days full of unexpected and weeks reveled in achievement. I want my post full of pictures of my complete family and conversations about their future, even the concerns. I want all of it. Now.

Even if I’m supposed to move on and past this, then why can’t I? If this isn’t my future, why is it in my heart? When is enough time and when is too much? Can’t I just suffer from a limited amnesia? Can I be given a new focus? Can I be extended more mercy? Extra grace? Restored hope?

a sobering feeling

It just so happens to be a Monday. A dull, gray one, out of place for the season. I slept a little longer than I ought to have. I found the mortgage payment buried in some paper on the table. So I scrambled to the post office to mail it as fast as I could so I could release responsibility on them.

The weekend didn’t produce much in way of excitement or accomplishments but I’m still a bit hung-over from the relaxing climate. Maybe that’s why Mondays often seem to be so harsh and abrupt…We’re just starting to recover from family time, friend time, personal time, that we’ve been heavily indulging in the last few days.

I probably should have cleaned the bathroom more and watched Cranford and Downton a little less. Too late for silly regrets. The last few days were a blanket of peace served up with homemade soup from the crockpot. Cozied in with Masterpiece Classics and summertime candles.  Cinnamon rolls were served in bed while watching church online.

All in all it was pretty good. Mellow and just what I needed.  Now I just need to regain my footing for the work week ahead. It’s not so bad; I’ve already been rushed, flustered, surprised, relived and laughed hard a half a dozen times. Life…it’s an event.

green eyed monster

The other day I was overcome, practically consumed with jealousy. Sure there are sparks of envy when you see someone else seemingly experiencing something you desire. Big things, little things. Important, Unimportant…and in this case, the seemingly vital. I guess it’s in our human nature to want and desire, and without goals and dreams life seems…well, just less.

Most feelings are not nearly as intense but last week it became so much more. A friend, a dear friend, is currently experiencing something I can only imagine for myself. An opportunity just presented itself; some might say it “fell into her lap”. At first I was truly excited for her and though slightly envious it didn’t outweigh my enthusiasm. At the time. 

Within days there was a shift. The more I talked about the situation the more upset I became. I tried to be a good friend and remain open to the conversation and giggle and contribute advice but I could feel myself starting to expose my inner hurt. It was pretty much involuntary. My heartache was leaking out. All of her genuine doubts and hesitation were eating away at me. I knew had I been blessed with such an answered prayer I wouldn’t let anything delay me in my joy and moving forward without worry, fear, and uncertainty. Or that’s what I tell myself.  

It isn’t fair. To feel ready, to work towards a goal and be so utterly out of control. To find acceptance in others circumstances and when you find solidarity to get you by it separates you only to be left on the other side again.

That’s the present, as best as I could put it and trust me it took a lot of re-editing. I wanted to write this to remember these unadulterated thoughts without attacking others and damaging relationships so it took effort to find that middle ground.

While I pivoted between screens in another countless re-write I noticed a favorite blog of mine She Reads Truth had a new post available. They really never disappoint and man was I floored. Those ladies are like mind-readers. Or maybe heart-readers is a better phrase.

my favorite nephew

This post has been awhile in the making but I hadn’t gotten around to uploading the pics. They’ve yet to be edited but that’s not a priority at the moment. This has been an incredible year because we’ve been able to see our nephew, Ashton (AJ), three times! That’s like a record for us. We’re in the mountains of Colorado and they’re on the beached of Florida. Kinda crazy how different our lifestyles are!

As you might recall from a previous post, we made a late Spring trip down to Miami and had some serious family time not knowing when we’d see each other again. Every summer Ashton stays with my in laws in Missouri to get a taste of country life. It’s usually for a couple weeks but as he’s getting older (tear) he was able to stay for a month.

During that time, on a whim, they decided to drive out to us in Colorado so he could see us again and have some wilderness experiences. That kid is so spoiled! We packed everything we could into that impromptu visit. He got to see and touch snow for the first time. We rode the chairlifts, alpine slides, had snow ball fights…Then packed up to go camp and raft.

He declared he wasn’t going home and that if his parents really missed him, they’d need to come to Colorado to get him! He's such sweet, funny, talented kid. So glad we got to see him and share in those moments. Can’t wait to see him again!

caught in the moment

I'm reading...

 
I’ve been all over the place in my reading list this summer but I’m wrapping up this book set and loving it. People say, when do you have time? Well, I often trade reading time for sleep. It’s a big commitment.

I'm listening to:


As much as I try being hip and indie, I can’t deny my love for some shameless pop music. Mariah Carey and all. It just puts me in a good mood.

I'm craving:


Fish Tacos...My life revolves around them. The only reason I don't get them daily is because the guys know me there and I'm completely embarrassed but my addition. Honorable mention: Blackberry sage lemonade was a close second.

I want:

Because it's fabulous...Duh! But I promised myself no more polka dots and I'm into the double digits on these blouse tops. 

I need:

More time relaxing in my hammock, staring at the wild flowers, listening to Andre Lipke and Sherwood on Pandora.

dems da brakes

So I skipped a post last week… I sat down to write and mind you there was a lot I wanted to say but I wasn’t in the right mind set. It was coming off so toxic I decided to chuck it and come back with a better outlook… or at least less pitiful. Don’t drink and drive, don’t text and drive, don’t drink and text, all of that because it can be regrettable. I felt like I was under the influence in a way and I wasn’t a heartfelt raw, just a raw post. Does that make sense?

Anyway I got through it. Or I’m getting through it.

Have I said how rundown I feel lately? Yep, I know I can’t stop talking about it. I’d even lost my desire to cook. Which is really weird. I couldn’t catch up, so I gave up, and that’s when I really fell behind. I started to rescue myself this weekend and began responding to correspondence with friends and hit up the grocery store. High marks for me right now.

Have you ever foreseen failure before you even start? I felt so overwhelmed in the morning, lying in bed after a restless night and knew “there aren’t enough hours in the day” “I’m not going to get anything done…again”. I gave up and then checked out. I did the bare minimum to cover up that something might be wrong. As difficult as it was to get out of bed, I did. Showered, got dressed and made it to work every day. We ate out or we didn’t eat. I nestled a temporary home on the couch only to migrate to the bedroom when it was finally an acceptable bedtime.

Of course I knew something was wrong. At some point I was expecting to be refreshed but it wasn’t happening. Failure was paralyzing me. I was slacking as an employee, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc… I hate failing. I need to get over it because we’re all fallible. All of us. Even me. Especially me.

By Saturday I was totally over myself and completely annoyed. After reading some Isaiah and James, I decided I needed to dust off my hope and put it in a safer place. Even though everything needed to be tended to I made a risky move to the store. I needed to challenge myself and attempt a victory and cooking, being a passion of mine, seemed like a good balance of effort and enthusiasm. For years I’d wanted to make Lobster Bisque but was intimidated. And as they say, no time like the present.

I did it. Success. There’s a feeling of accomplishment that you just can’t manufacture. Playing with ingredients and breaking a couple rules to cozy up and enjoy a job well done was a great first step. I’m so glad that even as lost or lonely as I feel sometimes I really know my heart and my needs. I just need to get better at tending to them.

perspective

agree to disagree

Driving along in the car I feel someone watching me. Intensely. Staring without interruption or discretion. I can’t stand it anymore. Luckily the person making me uncomfortable in the passenger seat is my spouse. I've lost me patience…


Me: What is it? Why are you staring at me?

Ben: Umm. Did you get a new bra?

Me: (confused) Yeah, why?

Ben: Well... they look smaller.

Me: Really? That's awesome.

Ben: WHAT? Not awesome. I don’t like it. Get rid of it.

Me: No way, I bought like three.

Ben: NOOOOOOO…Why would you do that?


I guess men sometimes pick up on details. Maybe not the most obvious to me or what I wish were noticed. At least I’m not entirely invisible.

summertime swing

summer came like cinnamon, so sweet-
“Put Your Records On”- Corinne Bailey Rae

Summer has never been my season. I’m not that girl and the Midwest never made it all that appealing. But I do have to say I am loving summer this year. After the winter we thought would never start turned into the winter that wouldn’t end I am relishing the sunshine and zero humidity the mountains have to offer. It.is.glorious. I’m trying really hard not to complain how rapidly it’s going by but still need to get some more fun things on the agenda. We’ve already managed to take a couple trips and if the calendar was all we had to show for it we’d look like some lucky ducks. 

I just booked a trip to Michigan in September because I’m bad like that. Can I just say I’m more excited than I ever thought I would be to be going to Michigan? It’s like “xkdfhaybuweatla!”kinda excitement. I think it helps it’s the perfect time of year for a visit. Oh and we get to spend quality time with the Niener-weiners. Last year when went I was really sick. Embarrassingly, un-fun sick and I’m speaking over this trip that it WON’T happen again! Amen. 

We’re also going to Cirque du Soleil next weekend down in Denver. I’ve been to multiple shows in different states and they never disappoint. I’ll try and remember to post about it and hey I may even take a picture or two. Hey, ya never know. The Cardinals are coming to play the Rockies later this summer so needless to say we’re stoked to cheer our team on. BIRDS!

Also in the works...I’m working on a fun night away with Benny for his birthday in a few weeks. Still not certain about it but a good time can always be had with the right people so it’s might just work out. Many weekends and long summer nights to go whether their booked with events or quiet days around the house, I’m ready to bask in the summertime bliss!

(real)ity

Before I left town I got a raise. A rather large one at that. Try not to hate me for not been overzealous. I certainly wasn’t surprised because lately I’ve had a hard time hiding my unhappiness and as certain people tend to do he threw money at the problem as a means of fixing it.

I’m not ashamed to say I deserved that raise. I worked hard for it and know I earned it but it was presented to me as a sort of gift, something I was supposed to praise him for and frankly that’s not the case. I’ve worked for a number of people that are millionaires.Really. Flat out excessive incomes that have been earned through work ethic and skill and because of their behavior and rapidly growing practices have no time for turnover so they buy silence and time, literally with money. 

I’m at a standoff. The number one question is: Am I going to continue working here? No, not if I have anything to do with it. Yes, it does make it a little easy to wait to I find the right fit. So I am grateful for the consolation and an opportunity to take extra time in making my decision(s). At the same time I’m upset. I am fully aware of what’s happening and I feel more trapped than I did before. 

I might be vilified or judge in a way for honestly discussing it but it’s all sincere and if you knew all the details and day to day you’d know that this is no way to live. I am however ready to put this ”extra” income to good use and continue to lay a foundation so that when the time is right I can walk away from this situation and move on to something better for me and my family.

the cleanse

I’m back from my mini-trip and it feels good to come home to structure and a familiar pace. I took a “break” from the blogging world to really allow myself time off from routine and oddly enough I missed it. Surprise, surprise. Technically based on my “schedule” I only missed two days and well I missed “sharing”. I know right? Who am I?

I’m sure I’ve said this before but those trips home take it out of me. Physically and emotionally. All the eating, not sleeping, go-go-go is invigorating but all the goodbyes, quick meet-ups and missed faces and bittersweet moments are hard to control when your meant to enjoy every precious second. I feel like it was a success overall. A magical balance of everything I wanted/needed without overextending myself...too much. I made it to some of my favorite places and managed to see a handful of wonderful people that make the hustle and bustle absolutely worthwhile.

I could however do without the 14hour drive. I must be getting old because I’ve done it countless times but it suddenly feels longer and more arduous. It may have had something to do with driving in the July heat which our trips rarely seem to occur. This time our audio book was an epic fail and had me dozing off in disc one, many miles from Kansas. Next time I’ll need to start that research and prep more that 24hrs out. 

Something about that long drive and a sleeping co-pilot gets my mind to wandering...Every time I return with heightened senses and determination only hours of internal reflection can produce. I always give up meat. Too many farmlands filled with animals and their young...and road kill. Yuck, sorry. But I feel guilty and loose desire to eat meat. It’s okay; I was a vegetarian for a LONG time so I still have options. I vow no more junk food. Ever. After all the greasy food from the trip and sugar overload to stay alert, I’m desperate for a cleanse and a teeth cleaning. (That was actually one of my first calls when I got back. I have an appointment on Monday. HAHA)

The other portion of that cleanse is more metaphorical. Granted, I don’t some from an underdeveloped country but it’s hard to go home and see some many people struggling. I’m so sensitive to it, I’ve always been. It’s just apparent how different it is from where I live now. It hurts my heart. It’s a physical, asphyxiating pain. I feel very detached, materialistic... Just a lot of those types of emotions based on guilt and helplessness. The plan is to appreciate more, exercise responsibility and stay grounded because the world is a tough, unpredictable place. Time to drop some unnecessary weight along with some unnecessary spending.

Cheat Sheet: Shrimp Boil

I was trying to make it to a local clam bake but it never worked out. Desperate for something different and with a seafood inclination I landed on a shrimp boil. It’s has become a summer staple in our house. It’s surprisingly affordable and only one pot to clean so I've been impressing company with the easiest recipe in my arsenal.

Potatoes, corn, sausage, shrimp, plus whatever your heart desires and you’re all set. Didn't even bother with pictures of the process because it’s mostly just chopping and plunking. Add, subtract, and customize people. The only thing I recommend is a gigantic pot. I have a lobster pot, it’s huge, and apparently when you register for your wedding you envision yourself preparing lobster dinners for your hubby. Shockingly that has yet to happen but it’s been awesome for chicken and dumplings and stuff like this.

All you need to do it prep and at certain intervals add what’s needed based on cook time.

The recipe:

5 Tbs. Tony’s Creole seasoning
2 lemons, quartered
4 cloves garlic
2 1/2 tsp cayenne, divided
8 small red potatoes, halved or quartered
2 sausages, sliced (preferably andouille)
1 pound frozen shrimp
3 ears corn, cut into 3-inch pieces
1/3 cup ketchup
1/3 cup Greek yogurt
2 Tbs. bottled cream horseradish

Optional:
1 package of steamed clams, optional
Parsley, optional

The meal:
Here we go…In a LARGE pot of boiling water

- squeeze the lemon juice, add Creole seasoning, 2 tsp cayenne, garlic, potatoes and a few pinches of salt
Boil the above 12 minutes
-then add the sliced sausage to the pot
Boil the above another 5 minutes
-then add the shrimp and corn (and clams is you desire)
Boil the above 5 minutes
-drain the liquid from the pot

The sauce:
*In between the boiling phases you can prep a dipping sauce. I like mine spicy but if you prefer a milder version add some extra ketchup and taste test until you find a flavor right for you.

Whisk together the ketchup, yogurt, 1/2 tsp remaining cayenne and horseradish.
Yep, that’s all you do. Seriously.

I go for an authentic experience aka opt for less dishes so I serve mine on some wax paper adn sprinkle some parsley over it for color. It also helps people pick and choose what they want out of the mix

myths and more myths

Lately something has really been bothering me. I am constantly thinking about …my hair. Superficial but I’m really at an impasse. My hair is pretty crazy. Big, thick, curly and unruly for the most part. I’ve been doing my hair for a time so I’ve managed to find what works and what doesn’t. Right now it’s long, super long actually. I wasn’t planning on “growing it out” it just kinda happened.

It’s been extremely short and long and just about every color there is, I even used to shave the under part back in the day. Normally I’m fearless and not opposed to changing it up but I’m in a weird place. My brother is getting is getting married next May and I “picture” myself having long hair then. I know, I sound like a crazy person but that’s my dilemma.

I always had long hair when I was younger since my mom’s hair “didn’t grow” so she could live vicariously through me so at sixteen I chopped it off to proclaim my independence and have uninhibited since.  Ever notice how your hairstyles often mimic or reflect the people you’re around? All the girls at my office have long, almost waist length hair.

Here are the myths that are already debunked but have me second guessing chopping it off. When I say chop off I mean it, like above the shoulders bob.

Myth 1- I know May is almost a year away but sometimes when you want your hair to grow, it doesn’t. Right? Probably not but it certainly seems that way.

Myth 2-Long hair is “in”. Have you seen Pinterest? All those perfectly styled bohemian braids and waves…Totally false, pixies and shaved heads are raging too.

Myth 3- I feel like I can’t have short hair until I lose weight. I almost feel the need to hide behind it.

Myth 4- I won’t be able to do anything with it. Well that’s out right stupid but I still fret.

There’s many, many more but they only getting sillier but honestly I think all of these things. I’m convinced I’m going to do it because it’s what I really won’t despite these mini-rebuttals. It’ll probably been end of July-ish unless I’m overcome by need to keep it long.

ideas mean work and money

I despise cleaning out the fridge. However I love a clean fridge. It’s irresistible! Mine’s probably not that bad but it certainly isn’t up to my standard at the moment. I keep it pretty well stocked which makes it even more difficult to clean. Other than the awkwardness of cleaning it, I hate hate hate wastefulness. “Finding” something that has expired because it was overlooked/forgotten about is so frustrating to me.

The more I thought about this the more I realized I wanted to keep it from happening. I had an idea about what I wanted so being me; I jumped on the internet to purchase a product but to my surprise couldn’t find what I was looking for. Granted there were some DIY directions, but some times for some items that might be fun…other times and other items I just want to buy and be done!

Alas, I am forced to create my own. A friend asked me about it and loved the idea so she’ll be getting one as a gift too. I might sell ‘em on my dormant Etsy account or just give them to close friends. Really need to think about it.

I have so many ideas/inventions that I have never fully pursued unfortunately. There was one thing I presented to Sephora’s product department and still need to get a patent but I can’t imagine putting almost $4000 into a “maybe”… I’m Larry David, “an idea man” not an inventor. I’m still fiddling but once I get a final product I’ll have more details and post pictures.

that’s a wrap

I am very, very excited to heading back to St. Louis in a couple days. Though the visit is shorter than I planned I am determined to make the most of it. I confess I had a mini-meltdown over the weekend because I am overextended during the trip and still had to turn down some opportunities I really didn't want to say no to. It happens every time and I wonder if I’ll ever get use to it.

There are a number of people in Colorado that get where I’m coming from, since we’re all transplants. Going “home” is so special and often manipulated with unrealistic expectations. There’s so much to do but it’s practically impossible to please everyone, including yourself. Then you have to keep in mind that it’s technically a vacation so you should attempt to relax a little before returning back to chaos at work.

Keeping all this in mind, there are several things I need to do beforehand so I can enjoy myself without too much backlash. I've got my infamous list -organized, detailed and ready to be destroyed. Wish my luck!

A few other tid-bits:

-We decided to try Casa Bonita in Denver this weekend while we were already down there being productive. I’m cheesy and love tourist attractions and am totally obsessed with Mexican food, so I thought it’d be a hit. Wrong! The food…oh…Ick, so bad. I can’t go into details but I knew there was a problem when I realized it was cafeteria style. Bummer.

-It rained on Sunday afternoon again, which I totally love. Then I don’t need an excuse for doing nothing other than making a midday desert. Last week was s’mores, this week was Fruit Pizza. This CANNOT continue!

-God bless my chiropractor. I’m so bad about regular visits so he’s done the last few adjustments for free just to get me in the door. He’s wonderful but it get’s pricey and time consuming but apparently I need regular work for awhile. I am totally a convert now. Now that both legs are the same length, all my ribs are back and place, and my ears have been adjusted (best.thing.ever.) I am completely committed to making my appointments.