dems da brakes

So I skipped a post last week… I sat down to write and mind you there was a lot I wanted to say but I wasn’t in the right mind set. It was coming off so toxic I decided to chuck it and come back with a better outlook… or at least less pitiful. Don’t drink and drive, don’t text and drive, don’t drink and text, all of that because it can be regrettable. I felt like I was under the influence in a way and I wasn’t a heartfelt raw, just a raw post. Does that make sense?

Anyway I got through it. Or I’m getting through it.

Have I said how rundown I feel lately? Yep, I know I can’t stop talking about it. I’d even lost my desire to cook. Which is really weird. I couldn’t catch up, so I gave up, and that’s when I really fell behind. I started to rescue myself this weekend and began responding to correspondence with friends and hit up the grocery store. High marks for me right now.

Have you ever foreseen failure before you even start? I felt so overwhelmed in the morning, lying in bed after a restless night and knew “there aren’t enough hours in the day” “I’m not going to get anything done…again”. I gave up and then checked out. I did the bare minimum to cover up that something might be wrong. As difficult as it was to get out of bed, I did. Showered, got dressed and made it to work every day. We ate out or we didn’t eat. I nestled a temporary home on the couch only to migrate to the bedroom when it was finally an acceptable bedtime.

Of course I knew something was wrong. At some point I was expecting to be refreshed but it wasn’t happening. Failure was paralyzing me. I was slacking as an employee, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc… I hate failing. I need to get over it because we’re all fallible. All of us. Even me. Especially me.

By Saturday I was totally over myself and completely annoyed. After reading some Isaiah and James, I decided I needed to dust off my hope and put it in a safer place. Even though everything needed to be tended to I made a risky move to the store. I needed to challenge myself and attempt a victory and cooking, being a passion of mine, seemed like a good balance of effort and enthusiasm. For years I’d wanted to make Lobster Bisque but was intimidated. And as they say, no time like the present.

I did it. Success. There’s a feeling of accomplishment that you just can’t manufacture. Playing with ingredients and breaking a couple rules to cozy up and enjoy a job well done was a great first step. I’m so glad that even as lost or lonely as I feel sometimes I really know my heart and my needs. I just need to get better at tending to them.