The other day I was overcome, practically consumed with jealousy. Sure there are sparks of envy when you see someone else seemingly experiencing something you desire. Big things, little things. Important, Unimportant…and in this case, the seemingly vital. I guess it’s in our human nature to want and desire, and without goals and dreams life seems…well, just less.
Most feelings are not nearly as intense but last week it became so much more. A friend, a dear friend, is currently experiencing something I can only imagine for myself. An opportunity just presented itself; some might say it “fell into her lap”. At first I was truly excited for her and though slightly envious it didn’t outweigh my enthusiasm. At the time.
Within days there was a shift. The more I talked about the situation the more upset I became. I tried to be a good friend and remain open to the conversation and giggle and contribute advice but I could feel myself starting to expose my inner hurt. It was pretty much involuntary. My heartache was leaking out. All of her genuine doubts and hesitation were eating away at me. I knew had I been blessed with such an answered prayer I wouldn’t let anything delay me in my joy and moving forward without worry, fear, and uncertainty. Or that’s what I tell myself.
It isn’t fair. To feel ready, to work towards a goal and be so utterly out of control. To find acceptance in others circumstances and when you find solidarity to get you by it separates you only to be left on the other side again.
That’s the present, as best as I could put it and trust me it took a lot of re-editing. I wanted to write this to remember these unadulterated thoughts without attacking others and damaging relationships so it took effort to find that middle ground.
While I pivoted between screens in another countless re-write I noticed a favorite blog of mine She Reads Truth had a new post available. They really never disappoint and man was I floored. Those ladies are like mind-readers. Or maybe heart-readers is a better phrase.
No comments:
Post a Comment