It’s on the horizon. Every year it comes and every year I
feel unprepared. I have to say these things. I need to releases them, if only
to be revealed after another year. Try not to worry, I’m fine considering but
this next week is always more than I expected.
It’s been such a long time but sometimes feels like hardly any
time has passed at all. I want a child. In fact, I’d like my 3 year
old. I want to know their features. Their personality. Likes and Dislikes. I
want to be exhausted from a bad day of tantrums and reassured of my purpose by
a moment of bonding or of a peaceful sleeping baby. I’m not foolish. I want the
good and all of the bad. I want what’s mine. I want days full of unexpected and
weeks reveled in achievement. I want my post full of pictures of my complete
family and conversations about their future, even the concerns. I want all of
it. Now.
Even if I’m supposed to move on and past this, then why can’t
I? If this isn’t my future, why is it in my heart? When is enough time and when
is too much? Can’t I just suffer from a limited amnesia? Can I be given a new
focus? Can I be extended more mercy? Extra grace? Restored hope?
I have no words. Just tears. I want all of those things for you too. So badly. I wish I knew the answers to all of your questions. I only know that God is sovereign and that He loves you. And I love you, too.
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