far, far away from here

You think you know someone.

As I’m upstairs having a fight with my wardrobe I realize Ben is being very quiet. It’s kinda similar to the warning sign of a toddler’s silence that they are about to get into something but my concern is that he’s downstairs on Craigslist about to buy a snowmobile or something unnecessary and extravagant. I give up the losing battle with my clothes to investigate. 

Me: (walks downstairs)

Ben: Hey.

Me: (confused)

Ben: What’s wrong?

Me: What are you doing?

Ben: Eating.

Me: What?

Ben: A sandwich. Why?

Me: But where did you get it?

Ben: I made it.

Me: (stunned)


Thirty days mountaineering in the Alaskan wilderness changes people. Living proof right here. I've witnessed it with my own eyes. This man, who previously never re-heated his on leftovers, was hungry and made himself a sandwich. Didn’t even have to ask where the ingredients were.

I think I might love Alaska.

uncertainly brought to light

I’ve spent too much time staring at this computer monitor… I’m dealing with issues about purpose and plans and the seemingly ever present frustration with weight. I’m seriously over this cycle. When I feel like I finally get the direction or motivation I need it’s already dissipated. I had already planned on accepting that job prior to the interview. I just need a positive change. I can work for difficult people and in a challenging environment, no problem, (been there, done that, bought the shirt) but I can’t work for a bully. Not anymore. I happen to be a pretty good interviewee… I stress leading up to it but I manage to find my element and coast. Sadly, there were numerous red flags during the interview and though they may offer the position to me decidedly I’ll need to decline. 

Immediately after the interview I had some quality time alone in the car. Of course I cried. I’m a crier. It was frustration and disappointment for all that confusing hope. Then I felt guilty because I am employed and I have the opportunity to search for something while still eliminating my financial burden.

If I’m being totally honest and vulnerable I’ve got to say I just feel very lost in my life right now. Very questioning as to why things aren’t working out and why I feel this way at all. I almost feel forgotten…in a way. I know it’s wrong to think and to feel because it’s not true and one day, someday, I’ll know with more certainty, but right now this is where I’m at.

There’s a lot of pressure in the next step, whatever that might be. Of course I don’t want to fail but even more so, I don’t want to waste anymore time. I want to be that person. I want to discover me. All of this: first I felt that and thought this and everything.everything.everthing. doesn’t seem to plan on happening, to me at least. The longer this job-thing and baby-thing and moving-thing lingers the more confused I seem to be. What is my purpose?

There are pursuits I have, sure not as grand or exciting as some but they are there. Is it time to follow those dreams? Some things I’ve thought about for so long because they seem juvenile and far too impractical and irrational for someone as level headed as me. Are they too big? Too hard? Too late? My initial response is yes but really I don’t know. 

Ever feel like you have so much to offer that it’s wasteful not to? To be so sure and so uncertain in the same moment? How fine is the line between feeling like you're destined for greatness or just terribly overconfident? Am I meant for something else? Al l I know it’s scary and without guarantee. Maybe that's why my plans haven’t happened... Maybe I just need to go on there and do the other things, the scary things, the things that are too embarrassing to talk about, the things that I know/think will take me where I want to be.

I feel...therefore I am

I feel like I have things to write about but not for lack of time or energy I just don’t feel like it. This weekend was full of that…feelings. I knew I’d be better off “taking care of business” but in that present moment I just didn’t feel like it. All of these feelings were in part to the dreaded you-know-what. Of course this was another eight week span of uncertainty and I decided just to make camp and wait it out. 

Have you heard about this? Far and away one of the coolest things I’ve stumbled upon recently. Too bad for me no one mailed me a package, most likely due to the fact that I haven’t actually registered yet. Meanwhile. I certainly wasn’t willing to wait or pay for overnight shipping so I whipped up a customized care package of my own. 

The low down, and dang it if I don’t have proper pictures, links will have to do and for the rest I suggest imaginging on yout own, consisted of:

ü  Lounging around for extended hours in my “Doris Day” pj’s… At least that's what I call them, since they make me feel like her in Pillow Talk.

ü  Making a batch of chocolate chip cookies just because…

ü  Taking advantage of a manic moment to clean out my closet…

ü  Taking more than a couple naps in a single day…

ü  Watching the entire series of Lost In Austen and trying to determine if I loved or not…still undecided…

ü  Spending an undisclosed amount of time on the humor page Pinterest in tears from laughter. Here's a sample...

Obligatory Vacation Post

I've come to the realization that I have a problem. A big problem. Add it to the list! You know me, so you know I hate getting my picture taken. I love and enjoy others photos but I avoid being in them like the plague.

Major issue: I never like myself in pictures, tough critic. I keep telling myself once I'm more comfortable with my appearance it might change. Well way too many years have passed without change and so to there are very, very few photographs that exist of me over that time frame.

Minor issue: I remember everything. No seriously, I surprise myself sometimes. It's all stored away, detailed and organized in my mind so I've never needed to track these memories beyond recollection ... Aside from any awkward or forced sentiment, this observation came once I realized I have hardly any vacation photos of me. Like non-existent... Whoops.

Not gonna lie it's a little sad. In the future: must.try.harder. Found a couple so here we go:



Plane pic...Hey, at least I know this guy sleeping on me.

 

Well, hello Miami!

Hey, nice pedicure!

Well, hello Bahamas!



And that's all folks! (I'm laughing so hard right now.) How pathertic! Okay, there might be a few more I'll just need to go through my phone/camera. I really need to get over this "no pictures thing". Maybe I just need another trip for practice!

things worth remembering

Between working my current job, interviewing, and driving two hours to the airport to get my mountain man, not to mention the two hour drive home, I don’t exactly have time to “blog” today. A better person would have planned something in advance. I wish I could give proper credit for this but I spotted it awhile back and go back to it all the time because it’s that good. As flashy as I tend to be in all manners of my life I have such and adoration for basics. And these are so obviously basic they're practically genius.

Are you confused? Are you worried? Are you discouraged? Well check this out:

Satan’s Voice

· rushes you

· pushes you

· frightens you

· confuses you

· discourages you

· worries you

· obsesses you

· condemns you

God’s Voice

· stills you

· leads you

· reassures you

· enlightens you

· encourages you

· comforts you

· calms you

· convicts you

achievement :: goals

Accomplished. Surprised. Reaffirmed. and Pride, the good kind. I started this new blog with simplistic purposes, an opportunity reconnect and the ability to start over. Because I tend to be overzealous the only goal I would allow myself was that if I’m going to do this, really commit, I’d need to match the amount of posts created in my last blog. Today is that day, lucky #53.

It wasn't necessarily about quantity, I certainly didn't write everyday. The quality wasn't spectacular either. It might not ever be… but that isn't the point is it? For me this was about letting people in and being honest with them and myself. It’s crazy how letting people get closer to me makes me feel closer to them.

For all the thoughts and feelings that shoot through me this has been a place to unload and regroup. Any doubts and nervousness about the outcome or effect this would have on me have been proven wrong. There are still things very much untouched and when the time is right and the words are found I’ll be able to free them as well. Here’s to more in the future and maybe even some better blogging.

The future is stardust because you can dream it. 

The present is clay because you can mold it. 

But the past is stone because you can never change it. 

taking control

Awhile ago, on the old blog I talked about a job and the employer that blindsided me with a termination. No warning, I’d just had a substantial raise for my performance, was presented with a hefty severance package, eligible for unemployment etc… It was weird and unsettling. As you may remember I was a victim of collateral damage from an extramarital affair he was having. I try not to discuss it because it was such an emotional blow and I never got the full story until a couple years after the incident.

Aside from the emotional scarring, it left a blemish on my resume. It looked odd that the employment for under a year. It also left me in an unpleasant position of trying to explain something I didn't fully understand. Also trying to maintain composer when discussing a professional decision that felt so personal is challenging.  I've been really fortunate to not to have discussed that position or transition at length but I am always fearful of it.

Prepping for interviews is hard enough, especially if you really need a new job. I converse with myself for days, working on responses and appropriate verbiage. I go through my wardrobe and attempt to find the perfect outfit that allows comfort, exudes professionalism, as well as highlights my personality. I try different hairstyles and practice make-up techniques. Well you get the idea, I like to be prepared.

All the preparedness I could muster still left that cloud of panic about my employment history. So I did it. I went through some old correspondence and I found the email for the CEO that caused this mess. I emailed him a very concise, warm email asking if he could please write up a recommendation letter since I’m not comfortable discussing that situation and it may avoid phones calls from potential employers. I don’t think I exhaled the entire time typing until I pressed send. I know I was right to fight for myself but I really didn't want to engage in any type of correspondence.

I swear in under a minute I had a response. I seriously thought his email had changed and it was bounced back as “undeliverable”.  I was wrong, it was him and he was “delighted” to write something and would have it by tomorrow. My initial reaction was disgust at the fact that he was so cordial and once again I was assured that it wasn't me or else why would he be so willing to write a candid letter. That mood shifted fast with a blanket of "who cares?" No more wasted time wondering and feeling victimized by that person.

The letter came and it is quite glowing if I may say so. I’m so glad I finally got the courage to put myself out there and get something I felt I should have been extended in the first place. It amazing the sense of control I feel. Now I just need to ace this interview. On that note, it’s in a different industry and I have no idea about the details but if anything it’s a good practice run. Think happy thoughts for me!

235 East Washington

My grandparents live at 235 East Washington in Kirkwood Missouri. I grew up in the ghetto so to speak, so in my mind, for all I knew, they lived in the Land of Oz.  They have a large, historical estate in one of my favorite cities. It’s quaint and familiar and still has actual sidewalks that sprawl block after block. Because my mom was still a kid when I came along I spent a large part of my childhood there… Oh that house. I loved it. I still love it. It used to be a boarding school in the early 1900’s and it’s one of the few fixtures that hasn't become less intimidating in size as I've gotten older. Three stories and nine rooms, perfect for the nine Andress kids that resided and the thirty-plus grand-kids that would visit years later.

My grandpa was a big shot lawyer for Monsanto and held the bar in multiple states. He owned several homes so we've all been accustomed to referring to them by their address. A few months back when I visited him in the nursing home he still referenced the house at 235. It’s quirky and makes me smile. I have many stories about my adventures there. I don’t talk or share too much about my childhood because it’s sad for the most part but 235 is an exception.

The reason for all this nostalgia is that yesterday I found out Mr. Sanger passed away. He was my grandparents’ neighbor. He seemed old when I was little so I can’t imagine him in his 90’s. He was such a friendly man. He always made time to admire my epic, chalk hop-scotches that spanned the entire length of the driveway. I remember him constantly whistling. He was the first responder when my mom hit the tree and my orange, twin popsicle broke and people weren't sure if I was actually hurt or upset.

Somewhere in my mind I had come to the conclusion he was Mr. Rodgers. He had the demeanor and even the signature cardigan. I never told people this fantasy because I was certain and just assumed everyone else knew that was his alter ego, so there was no need for discussion.  For unknown reasons, Mr. Sanger never married nor had children. Apparently in his younger years, he had been a successful engineer and with no family of his own he decided to make the neighbor kids beneficiary’s of his will.

A surprising amount was left to each and as much as that moves me for his thoughtfulness it breaks my heart. How sad is it that this wonderful person didn’t have his own family? Especially given when the folks next door, the ones he endeared as family, had more than they knew what to deal with. I ‘m not sure if this post is anything beyond reminiscing… The whole thing makes me a bit blue and causes me to yearn to reconnect and start prioritizing things that should already be a priority. RIP Mr. Sanger

major misunderstanding

What do you get when you combine an abrupt awakening, an irrational fear of wildlife attack and vertigo: a major misunderstanding. Not exactly sure what triggered this memory but I figured I’d share. This is going back to last year…

Some basics that you need to understand. My husband loves Transformers. Sure he likes other films, nature, documentary, he even watches my foreign ones but this series is definitely more his style. There’s enough action and humor to keep him thoroughly entertained.  It’s one of the few exceptions he’ll trek to the movie theater to see. Also note he’s had so many head injuries, including brain hemorrhaging, that he has bouts of vertigo. It sucks but he’s lucky that’s his only ailment. And a general reminder, men are the biggest wimps when it comes to being ill.

When the last installment of Transformers came out he was itching to see it but I wasn't in the mood and apparently he wasn't willing to wait for me to be in the mood. He decided to hit up the 10:30pm show. (Yeah right, there was no way I was interested in staying up and out that late that night.) He left and of course I went to bed.

Hours later in a half-dreaming-half-awake state I hear him get home. I’m not sure what happened or how much time had passed but I am alerted by the dogs barking like crazy so I start yelling when I hear something yelling back at me. It’s like midnight and the door is wide open and I’m hearing some strange, unsettling noises. I’m standing on the front threshold too scared to investigate and trying to wake up as quickly as I can to understand what’s happening. It was weird because the dogs were worked up but wouldn't go outside to investigate it either. I’m sure this happens faster than it sounds but I then realize my husband is nowhere in sight. I hear him but can’t see him and then I realize he’s being attacked by an animal!

We live in the mountains so nighttime is completely dark, there are no streetlights. Also living in the mountains we've had all manner of beast in our front yard from bears to moose. I finally get the nerve to walk out, I hear him in agony and I can’t make out what he’s saying. I finally make it around the cars sure I’ll see a massacre when I spot him in the grass on his hands and knees…vomiting profusely. I’m equally relieved and confused. What are you doing? Are you ok? What happened?  I thought you were being attacked? Why aren't you in the bathroom? How was the movie?

Once I finally got him back in the house, it turns out seeing the film in 3D was not a good idea because it triggered his vertigo and he sat there enduring the dizziness… as a matter of pride I suppose. Providentially there was an error so the film shut down before the entire showing so he got to leave and was issued a refund. He claims he got home then got sick so he ran back outside. Why this was the best option I don’t know. Personally I think he knew if he got sick outside he wouldn't have to clean up after himself.

I don’t know why but this story cracks me up every time I think about or tell it. I know it makes me a bad person. It’s funny because he was so dramatic about the whole thing. But what’s really funny is how quickly my imagination assumed the most extreme scenario and being stuck in my head that 10-12 minutes and thinking enough random, concerned thoughts that could fill several hours. For the record he isn't amused this story but one day I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. 

Strangely Dim

I'm a big fan of Francesca Battistelli. First off, girl can sang. (No, that is the right tense of that word.)The first song of hers I heard on KLove was “This is the Stuff”. We connected instantly, it was catchy and cute and this girl gets it. 45 in a 35. Sirens and fines while I'm running behind. Whoa-oa-OOO. Sorry, broke out in song there. Man, it’s so fun to blast in the car and sing it. She has these relatable songs about impatience, frustrations, changes and all that stuff that we I feel weighing me down and am overcome by daily.

Her current single is “Strangely Dim”, the song is a compilation of all my thoughts and posts and desires beautifully, succinctly written in a way I never could. As soon as I heard it I think I cried after the first verse. The song speaks for itself. I’ll post the lyrics because they so simple but poignant. I hope others, whatever their current struggle is, can find as much comfort in them as I have and in turn start to see those doubts/fears/worries grow “strangely dim” in comparison to everything else.
* Unfortunately I'm having trouble adding it to my playlist, go figure.

I've got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh

When I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim

I don't know, I don't know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You're holding it all
So no matter what may come

I'm gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
'Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I'm gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I'm in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

normal is terribly overrated

It's the beginning a new week, a new day and new attitude and because of that I declare new rules. Most of my posts tend to be on the melodramatic side and that's because I am melodramatic, but not a drama queen in that I like to cause conflict. The mere thought of something sentimental moves me to tears. Like on a dime. I'm angry. I'm over-the-top so sometimes it's hard to curb all of that because others are more laid back. Not to say I want to live life as a sedated version of myself…Didn’t I mention I’m Type A? All of this DNA inside me wants a balance, a normalcy, a success… in everything. Is that even attainable? 

Here’s an attempt to bend those rules to make it through another day and feel like I'm flying high on accomplishments, as twisted as they may be. The fun thing about being the boss is making new rules and changing them as needed.

· Anything eaten before 9:30am is considered breakfast. It’s not the what, it’s the when. In that case, peanut M&M’s count. Good job, I managed to eat breakfast today.

 · Hair that looks styled no matter the lack of effort is acceptable. In that case, waking up, shaking your hair and spraying it with dry shampoo counts as beachy waves. Good job, you look like you tried today.

 · Movements that cause you to sweat or lose your breath are considered exercise. In that case, car-dancing on the way to work counts. Good job, I managed to work out today.


It's still pretty early so there's still a lot of time to make adjustments as needed. Looking forward to striding through this day with an altered, albeit amusing, perspective.Well let’s hope this positivity is habit forming.

Signs your husband is away…

Generally the overall state of things including but not limited to:


The mess…

Ok so this is bad...Almost too embarrassing to share. Just almost. But let me tell you it has made my morning so much easier. Sigh. Can't get use to this because there's no way it'll become a thing.

 

Shhhh...Don't tell. This is a big no-no in our house. I can't be entirely to blame because the weather has been so chaotic I've worn everything from boots, sandals, flats and wellies in a matter of days.

 

The entertainment…

This. This is the stuff that makes me happy. Old School Classics. Musicals. Personal Favorites. MmmHmm, got myself  covered. Ready to sink in and overindulge in a movie extravaganza and the memories that come with it.   

 

The food…

 

 

There was a time not too long ago when time alone meant cereal for every meal. It's not that I don't like cooking, I just like cereal THAT much. Even though this stuff is more processed than I'd care for it's some of my favorites and typically my lunch options however it seemed a far cry better that Capn' Crunch.

 

Ah-Ha...Just so you didn't think I was being too saintly I admit I snagged some sweet treats and I was really naughty and got the expensive stuff!

 

The personal appearance…

Big hair and sweat pants. I haven't been giving my hair the proper attention and thank goodness for ponytails and braids. Some people's hair gets greasy when unkempt, nope, note me. Mine gets big, like beauty pageant BIG.

 

downhill from here

As of tomorrow he will have been away for two weeks. Its times like these I’m actually thankful for a stressful job because it keeps me busy. Not sure if things are really as hectic as they seem or it’s just situational. We've had multiple snow storms here and bounce from spectacle weather to borderline blizzards. One of our dogs had to be hospitalized a couple days ago, it broke my heart and it broke the bank. All joking aside the incident brought on a multitude of emotions.

First and foremost it reminded me I’m missing something….Sure I’m capable on my own but that’s not how it’s meant to be. I have a teammate to help me and interact with; I don’t want to make tough decisions alone. We have a good ying and yang and without that other side to balance me out I was yang-ing all over the place.  

Secondly, my motherly instinct went into maximum overdrive. I knew something was wrong immediately and my world stopped... Everything was suspended until I could find a way to make him better. He couldn't eat, neither could I. He couldn't sleep, neither could I. We had a tough couple days and the next few weeks are still unknown. It reminded me. It reminded me I’m built for so much more. I need to care for something and not just my canine, fur babies. 

For some reason or other, I think the second half of the time will be harder. At some point I’m bound to run out of distractions and the time will take its toll. Certain questions will remain unanswered and desired plans must remain on hold. Thanks for all the kind words, concern and prayers.

heightened senses

I can hardly believe it's real snow
Falling more like ash...
Floating.
Cold enough to happen yet not enough to chill.
The wind only evident by sound.
My footsteps seem louder they've ever been.
Like a movie with edited sound to manipulate emotion...
Producing dexterity and rawness.
Surreal.
I can only hope that in a matter of time everything becomes purposeful...
The feelings.
The intensity.
It might be time.
It might be an exaggeration.
I hope it's real...
Because this feeling of possibility is cleansing.

Do yourself a favor...

Psst... Hey it's me, your rational mind trying to get your ailing body's attention. I know your trying to be carefree, a bit rebellious, and quite frankly lazy but it's time to be serious. It's time to come to terms with the fact you can't have gluten any more. You're not being high maintenance or whatever it is you're worried about.

I know, I know. There's so much you're not suppose to eat these days. Now those changes are important too but this is vital.

It's not option, you have an allergy, which means when you consume it you have an allergic reaction. Willingly exposing yourself to an allergy is harmful, it's painful and exhausting and absolutely not worth it. Your straining you body and for what? Get it together! I mean it.

Trust me, it's all for the best.

Welcome to Miami

My brother and sister- in-law live just outside of Miami, which is pretty cool and we don’t take advantage of it as often as we should. We made arrangements to stay with them before and after our trip to the Bahamas. We always have a great time and leave heavyhearted and wondering why we don’t visit more often. They made it an incredible experience and I’m still not sure why but it was very centered around me.

What you need to know about me is that I don’t like a lot of attention. It makes me uncomforable just thinking about it. Blogging is about the most self-indulgent thing I do. I’d much prefer to attend to other people, it’s just my way. When others are involved I’m a pretty laidback, I-don’t-care-whatever kind of girl. Now if it’s just me and my husband that’s an entirely different kind of story…

I remember a week or so before we had them on the phone and I mentioned that I’d love some plantains while there. Well that small request was met and then some. Once we were off the plane we were whisked away to some awesome Cuban food. The Latin in me loves anything accompanied by rice and beans.

Cuban- style strip steak with plantains and Chimichurri sauce. I would love to be eating this now!

While at the restaurant I noticed the special was paella, which I also love but never get to have because you can only make it for a small village of people. Immediately they said I shouldn’t order it. I wondered if it was bad or someone they knew had gotten sick from it. I obeyed. Turned out it was for good reason. They had planned a party for us. Not just any party, a paella party! They’d hired a chef whose specialty is paella to come over and make it for us because they heard how much I liked the dish. It was fun to watch him work too. He spent hours on the patio perfecting it. I don’t want to think about how much they spent but it was fantastic. Without a doubt, the best I’ve ever had.

oh me, oh my

You know what I left out the other day? The step that involves me driving to Denver to make multiple returns. I always manage to overcompensate and in a panic I make numerous unnecessary purchases. In part, because I live hours away from the nearest mall. In part, because I like options. In part, because I love to shop. This means I need to organize a game plan: Make sure I’ve organized the receipts and write down all the stops or risk backtracking and putzing around for no reason.

I agonize over this too. Honestly I don’t want to actually return anything but it doesn’t make sense keeping it. Also, I have to manage entering these places without making any additional purchases and come up with some lame excuse for making a return. Note: I’ve never really been interrogated about a return, probably because I have the receipt in hand, tags are still attached and nothing's been worn, but I stress out regardless. These stores are on to me to, they always ask me if I’d like to look around before I return the item…Well of course I do! But I can’t. It’s like when I get an apple pie from McDonald’s, without fail they offer the 2 for a $1 deal. How can I say no to that?

To successfully tackle the job, aside from creating the itinerary, it requires nourishment. A sure sign of a woman on a mission is iced-coffee in hand. Check. (That was probably my first mistake.) If I’m going to drive an hour or two out of my way you better believe I’m gonna eat somewhere good. I’m a foodie at heart. I’d decided to eat at this Brazilian restaurant by the mall. (I think since the waxing surprise I’d been thinking a lot about their culture.) Personally, I love all ethnic food and almost prefer it. Since Bridesmaids, Brazilian food has gotten a bad rap and it’s unfair. I’ve never before had an incident so I encourage you to check it out if you’ve never tried it. But as fate would have it, I did get sick and in a fitting room scenario no less. Busted. Yes I was in the dressing room because YES I gave into temptations and started shopping.

Backup. It wasn’t the food’s fault. I take this unassuming little prescription pill that is pure evil and ruining my life. Metformin. Typically I’ll avoid taking it knowing I’ll be consuming certain foods. However I hadn’t taken it for a few days since I was on vacation. Just so you know it’s not like vitamins where you can skip here and there but apparently I don’t learn lessons like the rest of humanity. I took it and no doubt paid the price. I imagine the creamy, sugary coffee triggered it. 

No more details beyond that but I am thankful for a sense of humor. Returns made and money back in my account. Check. Never able to return to Kohl’s in Lakewood, CO. Check.