I’ve spent too much time staring at this computer monitor… I’m dealing with issues about purpose and plans and the seemingly ever present frustration with weight. I’m seriously over this cycle. When I feel like I finally get the direction or motivation I need it’s already dissipated. I had already planned on accepting that job prior to the interview. I just need a positive change. I can work for difficult people and in a challenging environment, no problem, (been there, done that, bought the shirt) but I can’t work for a bully. Not anymore. I happen to be a pretty good interviewee… I stress leading up to it but I manage to find my element and coast. Sadly, there were numerous red flags during the interview and though they may offer the position to me decidedly I’ll need to decline.
Immediately after the interview I had some quality time alone in the car. Of course I cried. I’m a crier. It was frustration and disappointment for all that confusing hope. Then I felt guilty because I am employed and I have the opportunity to search for something while still eliminating my financial burden.
If I’m being totally honest and vulnerable I’ve got to say I just feel very lost in my life right now. Very questioning as to why things aren’t working out and why I feel this way at all. I almost feel forgotten…in a way. I know it’s wrong to think and to feel because it’s not true and one day, someday, I’ll know with more certainty, but right now this is where I’m at.
There’s a lot of pressure in the next step, whatever that might be. Of course I don’t want to fail but even more so, I don’t want to waste anymore time. I want to be that person. I want to discover me. All of this: first I felt that and thought this and everything.everything.everthing. doesn’t seem to plan on happening, to me at least. The longer this job-thing and baby-thing and moving-thing lingers the more confused I seem to be. What is my purpose?
There are pursuits I have, sure not as grand or exciting as some but they are there. Is it time to follow those dreams? Some things I’ve thought about for so long because they seem juvenile and far too impractical and irrational for someone as level headed as me. Are they too big? Too hard? Too late? My initial response is yes but really I don’t know.
Ever feel like you have so much to offer that it’s wasteful not to? To be so sure and so uncertain in the same moment? How fine is the line between feeling like you're destined for greatness or just terribly overconfident? Am I meant for something else? Al l I know it’s scary and without guarantee. Maybe that's why my plans haven’t happened... Maybe I just need to go on there and do the other things, the scary things, the things that are too embarrassing to talk about, the things that I know/think will take me where I want to be.
We have all been in that place, for me many of times, wondering my purpose and if I am doing all I should or shouldn't, etc. No that is not an answer, but a comfort that most of us feel that oh so very often.
ReplyDeleteIn the past two years, God has really consecrated in my heart that as humans we are always skewed as what our "purpose" is.... and furthermore the American Church has ruined us even more. Continue to seek Him and wash yourself with the Word over and over.... our purpose is written ALL over that book. And thought it might look differently for all us, if we are searching to love Him and serve Others, we end up finding our purpose. God showed me that my purpose was to live a fully submitted life unto Him, and then I would be free. We say that all the time, but it goes against our natural grain. Yet when I did, I saw fruit and fulfillment in my heart. Not even that the circumstances hugely changed, but my PERSPECTIVE changed.
It sounds like you have a lot of other "life" answers that you are looking for and needing direction.... I will be praying for clarity and wisdom. If God has planted something in your heart, don't underestimate that your not enough for it, your probably are not, but He is. You are an amazing person Rachel, don't ever sell yourself short of that. You have a natural ability to be a mentor, counselor, confidante. You are a leader. You are a nurturer. All of those gifts He will use when we submit them over to Him, even if we don't see it how we thought we would or even the timing!
I was 100% that we were going to adopt or be missionaries just 2 years ago. Just knew that was what God was pressing on my heart (and maybe still! lol), but didn't' know when I would see it happen or if I was crazy. I finally said I give up this dream I am making and please show me Your dream. My heart is ready Lord!!! One month later, He gave me 15 teenagers and told me "let them be your kids". "Let them be your mission field". Not how I dreamt it, and it hasn't always been easy, but when I was abandoned to ANYTHING He gave, it fulfilled me to the max. Ok now I am rambling. Sushi date when your in town? MUAH XOXO. I LOVE YOU!
Thank you for always encouraging me and knowing what I need to hear. I love it when you write “blogs” on my blog.
DeleteOk and hope that didn't sound too churchy!! Like pray more, you will feel better mentality. Just encouraging you with the only tool I have.... HIM!
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