I think it’s time to talk about something a little less consequential. I am fighting a soda addiction. I am undoubtedly and addict. Another issue is that I'm a puriest and like the real deal Coke. I'll drink whatever I get my hands on but if given a choice I prefer a cola. I’d replace meals with it if I could. I’d choose it over any dessert available. Seriously. Love the carbonated, sugary goodness.
I don’t know when it came about because I don’t recall being this attached to it in the past. I enjoyed it but I didn’t have it on the brain constantly. I’ve quit before only to innocently start back up again. This round has been a real fight. I think about it before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up. I make concessions with myself, arguing that I need it because of a bad day or stressful incident. I am consumed by the idea of my special treat.
People that say they don’t like soda get on my nerves. Especially now, it makes me violent. Another sign of addiction withdraws. It’s like those people that don’t like t.v. Whatever. Saying that is not helpful and I seriously doubt it. It’s been since Friday and I’m itching. I’ve gone longer without but these withdraws are intense.
I wish I was the type of person that that was grossed out by the endless information of sugar content and chemicals but I’m unfazed. As particular as I usually am about food it’s a weakness. Kinda like my secret love of fast food fish sandwiches. I know, I’m disgusting. I hope I stay on track because I know, or at least I think I know it’ll be better in the long haul.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
dreams…things change
It’s on the horizon. Every year it comes and every year I
feel unprepared. I have to say these things. I need to releases them, if only
to be revealed after another year. Try not to worry, I’m fine considering but
this next week is always more than I expected.
It’s been such a long time but sometimes feels like hardly any
time has passed at all. I want a child. In fact, I’d like my 3 year
old. I want to know their features. Their personality. Likes and Dislikes. I
want to be exhausted from a bad day of tantrums and reassured of my purpose by
a moment of bonding or of a peaceful sleeping baby. I’m not foolish. I want the
good and all of the bad. I want what’s mine. I want days full of unexpected and
weeks reveled in achievement. I want my post full of pictures of my complete
family and conversations about their future, even the concerns. I want all of
it. Now.
Even if I’m supposed to move on and past this, then why can’t
I? If this isn’t my future, why is it in my heart? When is enough time and when
is too much? Can’t I just suffer from a limited amnesia? Can I be given a new
focus? Can I be extended more mercy? Extra grace? Restored hope?
Monday, July 29, 2013
a sobering feeling
It just so happens to be a Monday. A dull, gray one, out of
place for the season. I slept a little longer than I ought to have. I found the
mortgage payment buried in some paper on the table. So I scrambled to the post
office to mail it as fast as I could so I could release responsibility on them.
The weekend didn’t produce much in way of excitement or
accomplishments but I’m still a bit hung-over from the relaxing climate. Maybe
that’s why Mondays often seem to be so harsh and abrupt…We’re just starting to
recover from family time, friend time, personal time, that we’ve been heavily
indulging in the last few days.
I probably should have cleaned the bathroom more and watched
Cranford and Downton a little less. Too late for silly regrets. The last few
days were a blanket of peace served up with homemade soup from the crockpot.
Cozied in with Masterpiece Classics and summertime candles. Cinnamon rolls were served in bed while
watching church online.
All in all it was pretty good. Mellow and just what I
needed. Now I just need to regain my
footing for the work week ahead. It’s not so bad; I’ve already been rushed,
flustered, surprised, relived and laughed hard a half a dozen times. Life…it’s
an event.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
green eyed monster
The other day I was overcome, practically consumed with jealousy. Sure there are sparks of envy when you see someone else seemingly experiencing something you desire. Big things, little things. Important, Unimportant…and in this case, the seemingly vital. I guess it’s in our human nature to want and desire, and without goals and dreams life seems…well, just less.
Most feelings are not nearly as intense but last week it became so much more. A friend, a dear friend, is currently experiencing something I can only imagine for myself. An opportunity just presented itself; some might say it “fell into her lap”. At first I was truly excited for her and though slightly envious it didn’t outweigh my enthusiasm. At the time.
Within days there was a shift. The more I talked about the situation the more upset I became. I tried to be a good friend and remain open to the conversation and giggle and contribute advice but I could feel myself starting to expose my inner hurt. It was pretty much involuntary. My heartache was leaking out. All of her genuine doubts and hesitation were eating away at me. I knew had I been blessed with such an answered prayer I wouldn’t let anything delay me in my joy and moving forward without worry, fear, and uncertainty. Or that’s what I tell myself.
It isn’t fair. To feel ready, to work towards a goal and be so utterly out of control. To find acceptance in others circumstances and when you find solidarity to get you by it separates you only to be left on the other side again.
That’s the present, as best as I could put it and trust me it took a lot of re-editing. I wanted to write this to remember these unadulterated thoughts without attacking others and damaging relationships so it took effort to find that middle ground.
While I pivoted between screens in another countless re-write I noticed a favorite blog of mine She Reads Truth had a new post available. They really never disappoint and man was I floored. Those ladies are like mind-readers. Or maybe heart-readers is a better phrase.
Most feelings are not nearly as intense but last week it became so much more. A friend, a dear friend, is currently experiencing something I can only imagine for myself. An opportunity just presented itself; some might say it “fell into her lap”. At first I was truly excited for her and though slightly envious it didn’t outweigh my enthusiasm. At the time.
Within days there was a shift. The more I talked about the situation the more upset I became. I tried to be a good friend and remain open to the conversation and giggle and contribute advice but I could feel myself starting to expose my inner hurt. It was pretty much involuntary. My heartache was leaking out. All of her genuine doubts and hesitation were eating away at me. I knew had I been blessed with such an answered prayer I wouldn’t let anything delay me in my joy and moving forward without worry, fear, and uncertainty. Or that’s what I tell myself.
It isn’t fair. To feel ready, to work towards a goal and be so utterly out of control. To find acceptance in others circumstances and when you find solidarity to get you by it separates you only to be left on the other side again.
That’s the present, as best as I could put it and trust me it took a lot of re-editing. I wanted to write this to remember these unadulterated thoughts without attacking others and damaging relationships so it took effort to find that middle ground.
While I pivoted between screens in another countless re-write I noticed a favorite blog of mine She Reads Truth had a new post available. They really never disappoint and man was I floored. Those ladies are like mind-readers. Or maybe heart-readers is a better phrase.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
my favorite nephew
This post has been awhile in the making but I hadn’t gotten around to uploading the pics. They’ve yet to be edited but that’s not a priority at the moment. This has been an incredible year because we’ve been able to see our nephew, Ashton (AJ), three times! That’s like a record for us. We’re in the mountains of Colorado and they’re on the beached of Florida. Kinda crazy how different our lifestyles are!
As you might recall from a previous post, we made a late Spring trip down to Miami and had some serious family time not knowing when we’d see each other again. Every summer Ashton stays with my in laws in Missouri to get a taste of country life. It’s usually for a couple weeks but as he’s getting older (tear) he was able to stay for a month.
During that time, on a whim, they decided to drive out to us in Colorado so he could see us again and have some wilderness experiences. That kid is so spoiled! We packed everything we could into that impromptu visit. He got to see and touch snow for the first time. We rode the chairlifts, alpine slides, had snow ball fights…Then packed up to go camp and raft.
He declared he wasn’t going home and that if his parents really missed him, they’d need to come to Colorado to get him! He's such sweet, funny, talented kid. So glad we got to see him and share in those moments. Can’t wait to see him again!
As you might recall from a previous post, we made a late Spring trip down to Miami and had some serious family time not knowing when we’d see each other again. Every summer Ashton stays with my in laws in Missouri to get a taste of country life. It’s usually for a couple weeks but as he’s getting older (tear) he was able to stay for a month.
During that time, on a whim, they decided to drive out to us in Colorado so he could see us again and have some wilderness experiences. That kid is so spoiled! We packed everything we could into that impromptu visit. He got to see and touch snow for the first time. We rode the chairlifts, alpine slides, had snow ball fights…Then packed up to go camp and raft.
He declared he wasn’t going home and that if his parents really missed him, they’d need to come to Colorado to get him! He's such sweet, funny, talented kid. So glad we got to see him and share in those moments. Can’t wait to see him again!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
caught in the moment
I'm reading...
I’ve been all over the place in my reading list this summer but I’m wrapping up this book set and loving it. People say, when do you have time? Well, I often trade reading time for sleep. It’s a big commitment.
I'm listening to:
As much as I try being hip and indie, I can’t deny my love for some shameless pop music. Mariah Carey and all. It just puts me in a good mood.
I'm craving:
Fish Tacos...My life revolves around them. The only reason I don't get them daily is because the guys know me there and I'm completely embarrassed but my addition. Honorable mention: Blackberry sage lemonade was a close second.
I want:
Because it's fabulous...Duh! But I promised myself no more polka dots and I'm into the double digits on these blouse tops.
I need:
More time relaxing in my hammock, staring at the wild flowers, listening to Andre Lipke and Sherwood on Pandora.
I’ve been all over the place in my reading list this summer but I’m wrapping up this book set and loving it. People say, when do you have time? Well, I often trade reading time for sleep. It’s a big commitment.
I'm listening to:
As much as I try being hip and indie, I can’t deny my love for some shameless pop music. Mariah Carey and all. It just puts me in a good mood.
I'm craving:
Fish Tacos...My life revolves around them. The only reason I don't get them daily is because the guys know me there and I'm completely embarrassed but my addition. Honorable mention: Blackberry sage lemonade was a close second.
I want:
Because it's fabulous...Duh! But I promised myself no more polka dots and I'm into the double digits on these blouse tops.
I need:
More time relaxing in my hammock, staring at the wild flowers, listening to Andre Lipke and Sherwood on Pandora.
Monday, July 22, 2013
dems da brakes
So I skipped a post last week… I sat down to write and mind you there was a lot I wanted to say but I wasn’t in the right mind set. It was coming off so toxic I decided to chuck it and come back with a better outlook… or at least less pitiful. Don’t drink and drive, don’t text and drive, don’t drink and text, all of that because it can be regrettable. I felt like I was under the influence in a way and I wasn’t a heartfelt raw, just a raw post. Does that make sense?
Anyway I got through it. Or I’m getting through it.
Have I said how rundown I feel lately? Yep, I know I can’t stop talking about it. I’d even lost my desire to cook. Which is really weird. I couldn’t catch up, so I gave up, and that’s when I really fell behind. I started to rescue myself this weekend and began responding to correspondence with friends and hit up the grocery store. High marks for me right now.
Have you ever foreseen failure before you even start? I felt so overwhelmed in the morning, lying in bed after a restless night and knew “there aren’t enough hours in the day” “I’m not going to get anything done…again”. I gave up and then checked out. I did the bare minimum to cover up that something might be wrong. As difficult as it was to get out of bed, I did. Showered, got dressed and made it to work every day. We ate out or we didn’t eat. I nestled a temporary home on the couch only to migrate to the bedroom when it was finally an acceptable bedtime.
Of course I knew something was wrong. At some point I was expecting to be refreshed but it wasn’t happening. Failure was paralyzing me. I was slacking as an employee, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc… I hate failing. I need to get over it because we’re all fallible. All of us. Even me. Especially me.
By Saturday I was totally over myself and completely annoyed. After reading some Isaiah and James, I decided I needed to dust off my hope and put it in a safer place. Even though everything needed to be tended to I made a risky move to the store. I needed to challenge myself and attempt a victory and cooking, being a passion of mine, seemed like a good balance of effort and enthusiasm. For years I’d wanted to make Lobster Bisque but was intimidated. And as they say, no time like the present.
I did it. Success. There’s a feeling of accomplishment that you just can’t manufacture. Playing with ingredients and breaking a couple rules to cozy up and enjoy a job well done was a great first step. I’m so glad that even as lost or lonely as I feel sometimes I really know my heart and my needs. I just need to get better at tending to them.
Anyway I got through it. Or I’m getting through it.
Have I said how rundown I feel lately? Yep, I know I can’t stop talking about it. I’d even lost my desire to cook. Which is really weird. I couldn’t catch up, so I gave up, and that’s when I really fell behind. I started to rescue myself this weekend and began responding to correspondence with friends and hit up the grocery store. High marks for me right now.
Have you ever foreseen failure before you even start? I felt so overwhelmed in the morning, lying in bed after a restless night and knew “there aren’t enough hours in the day” “I’m not going to get anything done…again”. I gave up and then checked out. I did the bare minimum to cover up that something might be wrong. As difficult as it was to get out of bed, I did. Showered, got dressed and made it to work every day. We ate out or we didn’t eat. I nestled a temporary home on the couch only to migrate to the bedroom when it was finally an acceptable bedtime.
Of course I knew something was wrong. At some point I was expecting to be refreshed but it wasn’t happening. Failure was paralyzing me. I was slacking as an employee, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc… I hate failing. I need to get over it because we’re all fallible. All of us. Even me. Especially me.
By Saturday I was totally over myself and completely annoyed. After reading some Isaiah and James, I decided I needed to dust off my hope and put it in a safer place. Even though everything needed to be tended to I made a risky move to the store. I needed to challenge myself and attempt a victory and cooking, being a passion of mine, seemed like a good balance of effort and enthusiasm. For years I’d wanted to make Lobster Bisque but was intimidated. And as they say, no time like the present.
I did it. Success. There’s a feeling of accomplishment that you just can’t manufacture. Playing with ingredients and breaking a couple rules to cozy up and enjoy a job well done was a great first step. I’m so glad that even as lost or lonely as I feel sometimes I really know my heart and my needs. I just need to get better at tending to them.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
agree to disagree
Driving along in the car I feel someone watching me. Intensely. Staring without interruption or discretion. I can’t stand it anymore. Luckily the person making me uncomfortable in the passenger seat is my spouse. I've lost me patience…
Me: What is it? Why are you staring at me?
Ben: Umm. Did you get a new bra?
Me: (confused) Yeah, why?
Ben: Well... they look smaller.
Me: Really? That's awesome.
Ben: WHAT? Not awesome. I don’t like it. Get rid of it.
Me: No way, I bought like three.
Ben: NOOOOOOO…Why would you do that?
I guess men sometimes pick up on details. Maybe not the most obvious to me or what I wish were noticed. At least I’m not entirely invisible.
Me: What is it? Why are you staring at me?
Ben: Umm. Did you get a new bra?
Me: (confused) Yeah, why?
Ben: Well... they look smaller.
Me: Really? That's awesome.
Ben: WHAT? Not awesome. I don’t like it. Get rid of it.
Me: No way, I bought like three.
Ben: NOOOOOOO…Why would you do that?
I guess men sometimes pick up on details. Maybe not the most obvious to me or what I wish were noticed. At least I’m not entirely invisible.
Monday, July 15, 2013
summertime swing
summer came like cinnamon, so sweet-
“Put Your Records On”- Corinne Bailey Rae
Summer has never been my season. I’m not that girl and the Midwest never made it all that appealing. But I do have to say I am loving summer this year. After the winter we thought would never start turned into the winter that wouldn’t end I am relishing the sunshine and zero humidity the mountains have to offer. It.is.glorious. I’m trying really hard not to complain how rapidly it’s going by but still need to get some more fun things on the agenda. We’ve already managed to take a couple trips and if the calendar was all we had to show for it we’d look like some lucky ducks.
I just booked a trip to Michigan in September because I’m bad like that. Can I just say I’m more excited than I ever thought I would be to be going to Michigan? It’s like “xkdfhaybuweatla!”kinda excitement. I think it helps it’s the perfect time of year for a visit. Oh and we get to spend quality time with the Niener-weiners. Last year when went I was really sick. Embarrassingly, un-fun sick and I’m speaking over this trip that it WON’T happen again! Amen.
We’re also going to Cirque du Soleil next weekend down in Denver. I’ve been to multiple shows in different states and they never disappoint. I’ll try and remember to post about it and hey I may even take a picture or two. Hey, ya never know. The Cardinals are coming to play the Rockies later this summer so needless to say we’re stoked to cheer our team on. BIRDS!
Also in the works...I’m working on a fun night away with Benny for his birthday in a few weeks. Still not certain about it but a good time can always be had with the right people so it’s might just work out. Many weekends and long summer nights to go whether their booked with events or quiet days around the house, I’m ready to bask in the summertime bliss!
I just booked a trip to Michigan in September because I’m bad like that. Can I just say I’m more excited than I ever thought I would be to be going to Michigan? It’s like “xkdfhaybuweatla!”kinda excitement. I think it helps it’s the perfect time of year for a visit. Oh and we get to spend quality time with the Niener-weiners. Last year when went I was really sick. Embarrassingly, un-fun sick and I’m speaking over this trip that it WON’T happen again! Amen.
We’re also going to Cirque du Soleil next weekend down in Denver. I’ve been to multiple shows in different states and they never disappoint. I’ll try and remember to post about it and hey I may even take a picture or two. Hey, ya never know. The Cardinals are coming to play the Rockies later this summer so needless to say we’re stoked to cheer our team on. BIRDS!
Also in the works...I’m working on a fun night away with Benny for his birthday in a few weeks. Still not certain about it but a good time can always be had with the right people so it’s might just work out. Many weekends and long summer nights to go whether their booked with events or quiet days around the house, I’m ready to bask in the summertime bliss!
Friday, July 12, 2013
(real)ity
Before I left town I got a raise. A rather large one at that. Try not to hate me for not been overzealous. I certainly wasn’t surprised because lately I’ve had a hard time hiding my unhappiness and as certain people tend to do he threw money at the problem as a means of fixing it.
I’m not ashamed to say I deserved that raise. I worked hard for it and know I earned it but it was presented to me as a sort of gift, something I was supposed to praise him for and frankly that’s not the case. I’ve worked for a number of people that are millionaires.Really. Flat out excessive incomes that have been earned through work ethic and skill and because of their behavior and rapidly growing practices have no time for turnover so they buy silence and time, literally with money.
I’m at a standoff. The number one question is: Am I going to continue working here? No, not if I have anything to do with it. Yes, it does make it a little easy to wait to I find the right fit. So I am grateful for the consolation and an opportunity to take extra time in making my decision(s). At the same time I’m upset. I am fully aware of what’s happening and I feel more trapped than I did before.
I might be vilified or judge in a way for honestly discussing it but it’s all sincere and if you knew all the details and day to day you’d know that this is no way to live. I am however ready to put this ”extra” income to good use and continue to lay a foundation so that when the time is right I can walk away from this situation and move on to something better for me and my family.
I’m not ashamed to say I deserved that raise. I worked hard for it and know I earned it but it was presented to me as a sort of gift, something I was supposed to praise him for and frankly that’s not the case. I’ve worked for a number of people that are millionaires.Really. Flat out excessive incomes that have been earned through work ethic and skill and because of their behavior and rapidly growing practices have no time for turnover so they buy silence and time, literally with money.
I’m at a standoff. The number one question is: Am I going to continue working here? No, not if I have anything to do with it. Yes, it does make it a little easy to wait to I find the right fit. So I am grateful for the consolation and an opportunity to take extra time in making my decision(s). At the same time I’m upset. I am fully aware of what’s happening and I feel more trapped than I did before.
I might be vilified or judge in a way for honestly discussing it but it’s all sincere and if you knew all the details and day to day you’d know that this is no way to live. I am however ready to put this ”extra” income to good use and continue to lay a foundation so that when the time is right I can walk away from this situation and move on to something better for me and my family.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
the cleanse
I’m back from my mini-trip and it feels good to come home to structure and a familiar pace. I took a “break” from the blogging world to really allow myself time off from routine and oddly enough I missed it. Surprise, surprise. Technically based on my “schedule” I only missed two days and well I missed “sharing”. I know right? Who am I?
I’m sure I’ve said this before but those trips home take it out of me. Physically and emotionally. All the eating, not sleeping, go-go-go is invigorating but all the goodbyes, quick meet-ups and missed faces and bittersweet moments are hard to control when your meant to enjoy every precious second. I feel like it was a success overall. A magical balance of everything I wanted/needed without overextending myself...too much. I made it to some of my favorite places and managed to see a handful of wonderful people that make the hustle and bustle absolutely worthwhile.
I could however do without the 14hour drive. I must be getting old because I’ve done it countless times but it suddenly feels longer and more arduous. It may have had something to do with driving in the July heat which our trips rarely seem to occur. This time our audio book was an epic fail and had me dozing off in disc one, many miles from Kansas. Next time I’ll need to start that research and prep more that 24hrs out.
Something about that long drive and a sleeping co-pilot gets my mind to wandering...Every time I return with heightened senses and determination only hours of internal reflection can produce. I always give up meat. Too many farmlands filled with animals and their young...and road kill. Yuck, sorry. But I feel guilty and loose desire to eat meat. It’s okay; I was a vegetarian for a LONG time so I still have options. I vow no more junk food. Ever. After all the greasy food from the trip and sugar overload to stay alert, I’m desperate for a cleanse and a teeth cleaning. (That was actually one of my first calls when I got back. I have an appointment on Monday. HAHA)
The other portion of that cleanse is more metaphorical. Granted, I don’t some from an underdeveloped country but it’s hard to go home and see some many people struggling. I’m so sensitive to it, I’ve always been. It’s just apparent how different it is from where I live now. It hurts my heart. It’s a physical, asphyxiating pain. I feel very detached, materialistic... Just a lot of those types of emotions based on guilt and helplessness. The plan is to appreciate more, exercise responsibility and stay grounded because the world is a tough, unpredictable place. Time to drop some unnecessary weight along with some unnecessary spending.
I’m sure I’ve said this before but those trips home take it out of me. Physically and emotionally. All the eating, not sleeping, go-go-go is invigorating but all the goodbyes, quick meet-ups and missed faces and bittersweet moments are hard to control when your meant to enjoy every precious second. I feel like it was a success overall. A magical balance of everything I wanted/needed without overextending myself...too much. I made it to some of my favorite places and managed to see a handful of wonderful people that make the hustle and bustle absolutely worthwhile.
I could however do without the 14hour drive. I must be getting old because I’ve done it countless times but it suddenly feels longer and more arduous. It may have had something to do with driving in the July heat which our trips rarely seem to occur. This time our audio book was an epic fail and had me dozing off in disc one, many miles from Kansas. Next time I’ll need to start that research and prep more that 24hrs out.
Something about that long drive and a sleeping co-pilot gets my mind to wandering...Every time I return with heightened senses and determination only hours of internal reflection can produce. I always give up meat. Too many farmlands filled with animals and their young...and road kill. Yuck, sorry. But I feel guilty and loose desire to eat meat. It’s okay; I was a vegetarian for a LONG time so I still have options. I vow no more junk food. Ever. After all the greasy food from the trip and sugar overload to stay alert, I’m desperate for a cleanse and a teeth cleaning. (That was actually one of my first calls when I got back. I have an appointment on Monday. HAHA)
The other portion of that cleanse is more metaphorical. Granted, I don’t some from an underdeveloped country but it’s hard to go home and see some many people struggling. I’m so sensitive to it, I’ve always been. It’s just apparent how different it is from where I live now. It hurts my heart. It’s a physical, asphyxiating pain. I feel very detached, materialistic... Just a lot of those types of emotions based on guilt and helplessness. The plan is to appreciate more, exercise responsibility and stay grounded because the world is a tough, unpredictable place. Time to drop some unnecessary weight along with some unnecessary spending.
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