the eve of everything

Fresh off holiday highs the new year is always a magical time. All over the world people begin to cleanse... their bodies, souls, and minds. It's one the most hopeful, inspiring, introspective and maybe even a bit irrational of times...or least it can be. You can just walk away from a year of setbacks and disappointments, so to speak, wave goodbye and press on. People start to look within, challenge and believe themselves. It's a social norm and I love it.

It goes both ways...I know individuals that would like to leave 2013 and everything it presented. I also know others that experienced their greatest highs this year. I'm somewhere in the middle I guess. I'm taking a lot away from this year but I'm also anxiously awaiting to see what's yet to come.

The realist in me knows the only actual changes exist in the date, tax year, and aging birthdays. But the dreamer in me believes in the humanity and the extreme capabilities I only tend to see in a fresh start.

Resolutions are to come, because challenges always seem more achievable at the beginning, but there are some things I hope to continue in the coming year. Being able to take away and see good in change and difficulties shows how I'm maturing and becoming comfortable with "me" and the "right now", separated from all the "things" and waiting, it's enough. There's success in growing and accepting and learning, even it's the hard way. I'd say it was a good year and next year will be even more so and I'm not leaving these life truths behind. Next year I hope...

-That I continue to not give up on my dreams. I know that sounds very Disney but despite the fact that certain ones haven't been fulfilled (yet) is not a reason to give up.

-That I continue to "go with the flow". Certainly not my first instinct but  a positive change and surprisingly a major improvement in my marriage.

-That I continue to "share", again it's not instinctive but has sheltered me and carried me through what seemed like impossible days.

- That I continue to live simply. It's kept me honest with myself and others and allowed me to see life clearer than ever.

-That I continue to trust myself and the choices that I'm make.

the waiting places

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.

About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any

you'll want to go down.

In that case, of course,

you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there

in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen

and frequently do

to people as brainy

and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,

don't worry. Don't stew.

Just go right along.

You'll start happening too.

OH!

THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.

You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.

Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so

but, sadly, it's true

and Hang-ups

can happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then,

that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?

How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...

or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?

Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,

for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying.

You'll find the bright places

where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,

once more you'll ride high!

Ready for anything under the sky.

Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.

And the magical things you can do with that ball

will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.

Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul

On you will go

though your enemies prowl

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike

and I know you'll hike far

and face up to your problems

whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,

as you already know.

You'll get mixed up

with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.

Step with care and great tact

and remember that Life's

a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.

And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...

be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,

you're off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So...get on your way!

merry and bright

I've been working very hard to make up for the fact that I've not been working. For the record, I'm the only one that's been putting this kind of pressure on myself. I've practically been trying to make up for years of non stop working by tackling everything. The "from scratch" quota has risen, the "one day" projects have been given life and all of it hasn't happened without sacrifice. As I contemplated my evening I'd realized I lost something, something BIG...my Christmas spirit.

It's true. It can happen. It burst in early this year. Almost a month ago I'd organized my holiday music and loaded it in the car. I drug out all the essential decorations and purchased ingredients for out favorite seasonal cookies. Then I puttered out. I didn't turn negative or intentionally fall short. I just neglected it.

Not working had kept me at home away from the regular reminders. I wasn't really driving anyway, certainly not regularly, so my Christmas music wasted away in the car. Long talks and late nights overtook time with favorite holiday films. Sickness and healthier options warded off cookie cravings. I looked around and I could see Christmas but I couldn't feel it. I was failing.

(Be prepared for cliches...)
What am doing! Christmas only comes once a year. A magical time that really is the the most wonderful time of the year. Seriously though, these are sayings for a reason. And I was missing it. Despite everything, I'm not going to get to have the 2013 Christmas season ever again and I need to fight for it.

First order of business I made cookies. Admittedly they were the no bake, edible raw cookie dough cookies. You know the egg free kind. Hey it was a start and it got me mixing and nibbling and merry-ing. We put in White Christmas and I smiled and cried through most of it...like aways.

It's back and maybe it's a little more high maintenance and than years before but at least I won't regret letting it pass me by. Skimping on traditions and not celebrating things that out to be celebrated is not something I want to be my memory of this year. Today got creative and rocked gift shopping. On to wrapping, warm drinks and more Christmas.

what's the word

Ben: Ugh, I hate this thing. How much longer will it live?

Me: (from the other room) What? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Ben: (pointing emphatically) This! This! This ....pointelle.

Me: (walking around corner) I think you mean poinsettia.

Ben: Whatever it's called. Can we get rid of it yet?

I was momentarily proud he properly pronounced a fashion knit pattern. Obviously, disappointed in its misuse. But hey, in his mind clothes and flowers are both "frou frou" so it gets categorized in the same place I guess.

*The poinsettia was a gift from a Thanksgiving guest and I'm absolutely in love with it. It was such a thoughtful gesture however between Ben's unnecessary disdain for it and my absentminded neglect it probably won't last much longer.

pep talk

I had a really bad case of word vomit yesterday. I know, it's a horrible term but it feels pretty accurate. I physically could not shut up. Once I finally came to a halt I was completely dumbfounded. I think I still am. I'm usually pretty good "talker" but this was shameful.

It's over now it's already been done and I need to deal with it. Whatever the consequences may be I hope they just hurry up so I can get through it. There are few consequences that I think can compare to how hard am on myself.

That's the thing… I'm extremely understanding and forgiving person when it comes to others.  Personal flaws and mistakes that's another story. But I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that.

I'm leaving it here though. It's done. I'm done with feeling this way. I'm ready to move on. As instructed, I'm "casting my cares on Him". Every time sickening regret tries to creep in I'm forcing it out. Goodbye to yesterday's imperfections.

afterthought

I feel like going to have put this out there. Just struggling to figure out the right way. The other day I felt frustrated by some blogs that I follow and in some respects really admire(d). I actually follow a lot of different blogs and I do mean different. Just like other indulgences in my life there's a lot of variations... Some for creative guidance, some for humor... lots of "somes" in different shapes, sizes and purposes.

After time, and sometimes without the expectation you begin to become "connected" with these people through their blogs. And then sometimes, when you feel "connected" with people the expectations begin to grow. It's absurd because I don't "know" these people ... In these scenarios that is. All the personal sharing sometimes makes it feel like it's alright to judge or critique. I'm certainly not the person to publicly comment but I do take notes...in mind and surmise not always good/nice things.

All this led me to a thought the other day. I am a spiritual person and more than that I'm a religious person. I don't openly discuss a lot of matters here. Primarily because it's not the general focus of what I'm actually doing on here however it is a part of my daily life so why doesn't it make a more frequent appearance on my blog? I don't know if it's conviction or what but I have been thinking about it.

I actually possess quite a bit of knowledge on it. I was fortunate enough to have a lot of exposure and classes on Biblical matters growing up. But I don't feel like this is a platform for me. I don't think that I'm a person that is equipped to share certain things. At least not currently. I've read a lot of my non-devotional blogs lately and people have been discussing their personal views on religion/spiritual subjects and I cringe. A lot of it just hurts my heart to hear how people are searching for answers or missing the mark. I worry that my personal point of view will get mixed up in the true meanings in the real point and that's a big problem. I've never felt like religion is a cafeteria plan where you can pick and choose what you do and don't want so I stay within my comfort zone.

This is probably not the best approach but somehow I wanted to address it. I want to figure out how to incorporate it and explain why it hasn't been a blatantly present subject. We'll just have to see where it goes from here...

The Harmony-Seeking Idealist

I love personality test, always have. I think I enjoy them so much because they're so "telling". It's just fun to be a little mystified and "found out". I don't take too much stock in them but if I come across one I can't resist taking it. This morning a friend forwarded me one from ipersonic.com. There's only four sections and I was concerned with the way things were bundled up it wouldn't be accurate. Wrong, so wrong. So if you have a few minutes to waste check it out.

Have we met? If not, for better or for worse, this is me:


Harmony-Seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character.

But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism. Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy.
Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success.

As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. Their demands on friends and partners are very high. As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result.

Adjectives that describe your type
introverted, theoretical, emotional, planning, idealistic, harmony-seeking, understanding, peace-loving, sensitive, quiet, sympathetic, conscientious, dogged, complicated, inconspicuous, warm-hearted, complex, imaginative, inspiring, helpful, demanding, communicative, reserved, vulnerable

mission discovery

Do you ever feel like you keep relearning the same lessons in life? If so, does that mean you ever really learned it...? or maybe it's honest forgetfulness...? or denial? Now that I'm actually thinking while I'm doing and having a moment to process things I'm really learning about myself. Lots of silly stuff but there's also some serious stuff in there to.

Today I had a candy attack. In case you didn't know I'm the candy queen. It is my weakness and I privy to all the lesser known good stuff. Today I needed chewy and of course there wasn't anything remotely close to that in the house, so I went to the store. Luckily we actually needed real grocery items so it was kind of a win-win. A lesson I repeatedly ignore and always pay the consequence is never, ever, ever, under any circumstance go to the grocery store hungry. I can't even tell you how much junk I bought- it's far too embarrassing. Besides it was all a blur so the details escape me.

Another lesson refresher...Turns out I'm a social person. I think sometimes I just joke around about not being because I'm so selective and just like who I like. I also confuse it with the fact that I am a homebody. Before of course I preferred to stay home at night and relax because I've been working all day however I overlook the hours of human communication and contact that I (as much as I sometimes complained about) miss... in a small way. 

Fast forwarding over the other surfaced stuff I'm re-realizing how sensitive I am. I mean it's inescapable but I'm being more cautious about triggers. All this time with limited interruptions I get so caught up in my thoughts and feelings. Thinking about memories, almost, decisions, uncertainties etc... Movies, books, music, any number of the things can take me down that rabbit hole so I'm moderating myself because before I know it my mood as been decided. I'm prone to a melancholy personality so I certainly don't need help there. Figuring it at a moment at a time I guess.

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your "
 -Theodore Roethke

red letter day

Funny thing... This post was already written. I typed it up earlier today and archived it so I could proofread and approve it later. Well it's later... Though the events of the day haven't changed my perspective sure has.

I'd been feeling really positive about at lot of things and after carefully organizing my week Friday was suppose to be my highlight. My day. I'd hibernated most of the week due to subzero temperatures and a need/desire to attend to everything possible. Trying to be frugal and scheduled would allow me to escape into the active world. I had some errands that would land me at Starbucks. I have a gift card I'm itching to use and I'd bring my laptop to start some serious job searching. Exciting, eh? Obviously things are a little mundane here because I've been looking forward to it all week.

It wasn't meant to be. None. Once I had given and I became a little bit more realistic and more forgiving things began to fall into place or so I thought...My car wouldn't start due to the bitter cold. Ben had a flat tire. Life didn't care about my precision.  I was starting to wonder what happened to my banked karma points. Panic hit. Freak out followed.

After my attitude mellowed, my eyes opened. I realized how often I don't have to face real problems. The last time my car didn't start or we had a flat tire has honestly been close to 5+ years. Real life happens but we've been lucky enough to not be faced with issues all that often. Some things that could have been major issues, failed appointments, huge unplanned cost weren't. Being stranded at home really isn't half bad. Everything has been shifted for tomorrow and the excitement of today has made it'll all a bit clearer.

only the beginning

Day 1. I've already gotten texts and calls from work. No joke. I mean I want to be helpful but please keep in mind I'm no longer getting paid. Sheesh. I've been caught in a state of everything and nothing all day. I have burst where I'm flying through the house and then collapses of exhaustion. How long will this go on? I'm a quick learner usually so hopefully I'll figure out how pace myself.

Being able to just make observations as to the state of things has been so strange...and alarming. I actually found a couple cobwebs in my house. So gross. I knew I'd been cruising by and covering basics but I never took what I was doing for negligent. I'm exited to take off the blinders that I've been too scared to go without due to sheer lack of time and properly attend to everything.

This morning I was able to make breakfast for us. And not the kind were I'm manically blending smoothies while yelling for ingredient approvals. I pulled out that corner pile of clothes in the closet that always manages to reappear when company comes over. I made a giant batch of The Pioneer Woman's iced coffee recipe. Oh my dreaminess, by the way. Its been a give a little, take a little kinda day. It's nice to be here and aware. The only things moderating my mood are the things that should.

without borders

If not for any other reason my being home and free of schedule allowed me to really fall deep into true devotion this morning. Reading scriptures. Jotting thoughts. Tearful worship. Exactly where I need to be. Humility, grace, sovereignty all pouring in at once. 

Being able to separate outside thoughts and not creating limitations was finally possible. I feel like it was such a natural place to be...casting everything and giving in. Something is being designed, customized for me. Like I said if this feeling of assurance is the only positive I take away from this experience that's good enough for me.

Oceans : Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

[x6]

I will call upon Your Name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

bullet points

Oh wow... major slacker alert. I can't believe it's been almost 10days since my last post.  The plan is to be back tomorrow. Things haven't exactly gone according to said "plans" so we'll see. Tomorrow will be my first none work-work day as I officially enter unemployment. Just to jump back in, here's a few things for now.

• I don't have another job...yet. Despite people being in "very impressed" with me, I've yet to receive any offers.
• I'm doing alright for the most part. There's been a few panicky moments but trying to prepare myself for this downtime and soak it up because it might be the only oppurtunity I have for awhile to simply relax.
• I've organized all my Christmas movies to create my own "25 Days of Christmas" #whoneedscable?
• Apparently there's a place in Denver that serves St. Louis style pizza and toasted raviolis. It's called Arch City Pizza and we're planning to go this week if weather permits.
• We had some out of town guests for the holiday and it was great to catch up. Makes us realize how much we miss our friends. 
• I'm anxious to get back to a regular posting schedule. Lots of things rolling around in my head.

the passenger seat

I’m in the grip of an inner conflict. I’m ready to accept movement and change but I’m also thinking it might be best to keep things status quo for a bit. I’m sure it’s mostly rationality but maybe some doubt is working its way in as well. The weird thing is I forget what direction I want to go with it.  I lay down guidelines and time frames only to catch myself overlooking the fact that maybe it’s not the best.

Be still. Be quiet. Be patient.

It’s all active and passive.

That’s the conflict.

I’m meant to be doing but I am still waiting for the instructionS.

I’ve been in healthcare for some time now and have learned there’s something called passive movement. In laymen’s terms, it means the movement is occurring from an outside source. Get where I’m going with this? I’m in state of continuous passive motion. Things are moving but not through my own control.

It’s like experiencing motion after movement has stopped. Ever got off a boat and still felt shaky? Road in a car too long and your legs take time to adjust? It’s similar and yes it’s it physically apparent. At least to me.  Other than any uneasiness to steady myself it’s turning out to be a great experience, especially now that I’m working out what’s happening.

Though it’s far from humble I am proud of myself. Because with each movement I feel ready. I am accepting guidance and being prepared at a moment’s notice and not needing explanation and not needing too many details I’m eager. I’m listening. I’m willing. I’m ready.

the distinction

I could be alone in this but sometimes I mix up loyalty and control. Seem kinda funny, right? Not something all that interchangeable it would seem.  However for me these concepts are. It might be fair to say "people" mix up their actions and/or emotions often. Consciously? Unconsciously? Tough to say. This is me.... and my issue... and I'm owning it.

There have been numerous situations personal and professional in which I've overestimated myself as well as my presence. Overly confident, I believed that a requirement of success was that I was a part of it. Relationships would break down without my insight and mediation. Business would falter without my dedication and capabilities. I sound severily obnoxious right now. Totally obnoxious. 

If you're still reading and don't want to kill me yet please understand there was some goodness in all of it. I love to be a part of things. Who doesn't? People want to be wanted. Feeling important, necessary was/is a source of satisfaction. I've convinced myself not to make sudden changes, or any for that matter, to maintain a sense loyalty. Loyalty to things I truly feel passionately about.

But it's not, nor was, true loyalty but really part of my control freak ways. I have an insatiable need, not want, to have involvement because  it's an opportunity to be in control. I'm naturally bossy, a bit of a know-it-all...the truth hurts. All this honesty or revelation comes from me throwing myself into an extreme period of uncertainty.

I can make great decisions and work hard but controlling every aspect of life just isn't possible. For being such a smarty pants I don't know the current answers. My problems are very real, that's evident. I'm working on accepting that my taking a risk isn't exactly reckless. The fact that my approach is somewhat out of character doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because these changes don't benefit everyone doesn't make me a bad person. Finally being aware of all of this and decerning what is what is going to help me  during  next phase.

something unexpectedly expected

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. -Steve Jobs
____________________________________________________________________________

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -Sir Winston Churchill
____________________________________________________________________________

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. -Maya Angelou
____________________________________________________________________________

Some very wise words from accomplished visionaries. I feel hope and guidance with quotes like this. For too long, work was claiming too much from me. Time. Emotion. Plans. My Future. The demands were headed toward a breaking point. C'mon, we all saw it coming, right?

Well last week without warning but not surprise I put in my notice. I know people say don't make major decisions based on emotion but it is emotional. Right after it happened I bawled like a baby in the bathroom. Once I recovered I realized I was crying from relief. Exhaustion from holding it together for so long had released.

I don't have a plan. Lord, I wish I did. I should have been better prepared but what I thought was endurance was lack of courage to walk away... from money. All the new fear from letting go of the old fear is forming. Because sometimes that happens. When something is removed the void is filled. Obvioulsy new fear(s) fits so perfectly in old fear(s) place. It' my job to revoke that invitation and quickly build the things I want in this space.

I'll be done here in a week or so and I can honestly say I'm at peace about the actual decsion. It's been nothing but reaffirming. The other stuff is the source of worry. I'm franitcally sending out applications to start a new postion that maybe just maybe holds some promise. I'm ready to be a better person, wife, friend etc...and not be so captive and directed by the abuse I've been subjected too.

And of all the quotes this is by far my favorite.

 

 

friendship pact

antiquated

nerves latched on to hopes

excitement born from opportunity

doubt proceeded by confidence

long lengths of worry, confusion

utter sadness

pondering all of the "nexts"

leaps and bounds

a very, very far fall

safety nets

different approach, plan, direction

open.

the itch

Last week my husband and I celebrated our 7^th wedding anniversary.  We’ve yet to do anything extra special due to other commitments. While we we’re talking about it we both realized how much we’ve changed and in the same regard how much we’re the same. I guess you’d have to experience it to know what I mean.

Something I will say though is that people don’t give time enough credit. They want to rush through relationships and milestones and declare it’s the same as someone who’s been with their partner a great deal of time. I never was one to be very opinionated on the matter but I’d have to disagree. I don’t doubt their devotion but something is grown in the longevity of a relationship.

I certainly love my husband now more than I did then. And by more I mean deeper and matured. Love that goes beyond attractions and connection to pure selflessness. I want him to be happy. I don’t want him to feel anything negative. I’ve become a protector, a care giver, a supporter, a partner, a best friend. We’re pretty cheesy but we consider one another each other’s best friend. The first and sometimes the only person I want to share things with. All the things…exciting, sad, ugly, embarrassing. All.

We had a bond before that grew from a friendship but time has given us so much more. We’ve been through so much and because of that we’re better equipped to meet each other’s needs, comfort, care, bless, provide and enjoy one another more than I wasn’t capable seven years ago or even knew if that was something I’d want in our relationship.

I’m so thankful for the time we’ve been given to figure things out, good and bad. Marriage is one of the most insightful, frustrating and fulfilling things I’ve ever been able to experience. I feel undeservingly lucky. Grateful for the supportive prayers and advice of friends and family and every other moment that brought us to this point.

Maintain(ing) it all

By now you know I love words. I believe I even wrote a post declaring it. Today’s word is:

main·tain
transitive verb \mān-ˈtān, mən-\
: to cause (something) to exist or continue without changing
: to keep (something) in good condition by making repairs, correcting problems, etc.
: to continue having or doing (something)
— main·tain·abil·i·ty\-ˌtā-nə-ˈbi-lə-tē\noun
— main·tain·able\-ˈtā-nə-bəl\adjective
— main·tain·ernoun

Lately I’ve been struck by this work or hung up on its practices more or less. Maintenance makes me think of physical labor. Hard working men. Blue collar. I know my macho categorizing sounds terribly anti-feminist. As I thought about the state of things, life that is, I realized I am my own maintenance worker and it has become a daily routine just to maintain my existence…

Maintaining my house.
Maintaining my weight.
Maintaining my marriage.
Maintaining my friendships.
Maintaining my employment.
Maintaining my blog.

Does anyone else have this feeling? Constantly striving for self-sustainability? I’m experiencing it as a noun, verb, and adjective. I feel an innate urge to care and worry for others but most of my own worriers are for problems that don’t exist yet. I want to excel in so many areas of my life. Actually, I meant to say all, at least I know my heart thinks it. Perfection isn’t attainable but sometimes it sure is desirable. 

The thing about it is I’m going to try and maintain my sanity for a little while. That might mean my house is a little messy. I might need to rely on my friends more than usual. My job will just need to be a job and not a life for a bit. All the secondaries will make do so the primaries can get proper attention.

I’m trusting that things will work themselves out, people will understand. I know they will. Maintaining is a wonderful talent. Having full knowledge of so many aspects of my life and repairing and making things continue is where I want to be again, soon. Right now however, my focus is needed more specifically in certain areas that require more than just general knowledge but specialist attention.

overdone topic

Are you pregnant? No
Do you guys want to have kids? Yes
So are you trying? ... ... ... ...

That last question always gets me. Initially I'm offended. That's such a private inquiry. Why would it be okay to even ask that? Sure I'm Little Miss Privacy but this just seems beyond on my own personal quirks.

Technically all of those questions are private. If I’m really being honest the last one just bugs me because of all the baggage it carries with it. It's loaded. It’s like when you know too much. The “insider” information is what gets me. All of the facts and figures, the time frames, the disappointments, and the uncertainty rushes to my head and I find myself staring blankly at the person who asks. Not In horror more like pleading not to press further. I’m completely disengaged.  More than they bargained for. A seemingly innocent question that unleashes… everything.

I guess it's not the question. It's not even the person. It's all the attachments I've made to the idea. We are trying. We have been. I know exactly how long and have obviously unsuccessfully. That's the nerve it hits. Knowing how long. Knowing the effort. All the things that should’ve worked and didn’t.

Some people have been at it for much longer. Trust me, I know them and I know their stories. But this is my personal journey. I have an idea of my expectations and my longevity and in that sense we’re also different. I may not be as patient as them. Or certain. Or capable. Or all of those qualities being tested by the struggle. It's a case by case basis. That’s my long version to a very short answer.

no plans, no problem

Please note, this post was started on Saturday night and I just got around to arranging it properly. I've been through a number of transitions in my life so far. Some of them are literally due to aging, some to maturity, some to comfort level, and some are just preferential changes.

There was a time when I waited and wished to be a part if something. Friends and a lively social life were essential goals. I needed plans to define me. Then that time came. I'd spent most of Saturday planning outfits, getting manicured, setting hot rollers, giddy with excitement. Friendships were tested because there were just too many options and as much as I would've like I couldn't be everywhere at once.

The sudden influx of my social life faded into a new, more selective phase. People and plans were based on actual decisions and not whimsy. Times when there weren’t interactions at all my sense of self would waver. It became defining in it's own way. If I wasn’t on the “list” or part of “something” it really bothered me. Time proved that it really didn’t matter in the end.

Tonight I find myself at complete peace with my uneventful Saturday night. Don’t get me wrong, I love an excuse to get dressed up and go out but something about wondering Target and Bed Bath and Beyond without purpose is glorious. I’m actually happy to be commitment –free at the moment.

Leggings, over-sized sweater, boots is acceptable attire. Cruising around with my over-prized, caffeinated beverage and listening to John Mayer is an indulgence. Having some extra cash to spend on something just because I want it is my entertainment. Sometimes simplifying and not overanalyzing helps me recall that life is good.

 

theoretically

Admittedly things have been a bit inconsistent around here. However I think things are looking up and I should be returning to life as usual very soon. Theoretically, I’ve been here this whole time. In my mind, making notes and observations about things I want to put here.

The story is that my coworker left to move across the country to be closer to her family. She and I had a close working relationship and a special friendship. Frankly, I am extremely sad about it…Happy for her, but still sad.

The last couple weeks have been filed with training her replacement. Overall the process had gone incredibly smooth and I’m really pleased with things. The only negative is the glaring absence of my friend. I think I speak for both of us when I say I wasn’t aware how close we were until I wasn’t able to talk with her every day.

Certainly not the end of the world but it’s been a strain. So many underappreciated people in my life have literally moved far, far away in the last couple years and it’s starting to take its toll. I’ve never had trouble making friends and several of these recent friendships have found their way to me so I know those voids will fill in time. Think of me while I’m busy welcoming a new coworker and coming to terms with void of my friend.

take heart

I got my feelings hurt the other day. It happens... but it doesn't always come from such a trusted source. My hurt usually transitions into anger. I was hurt/mad. Tears and angry words. I have a hard time letting go of things. My memory and attention to detail goes on and on well after the occurrence.

I tried hard not to bite back after the unexpected blow. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to inflict a similar hurt...No a bigger one! I fell quiet and began remembering things that despite the criticism matter so, so much more. Truths about me and everyone else for that matter.

If you're hurt and maybe need a reminder of what's true and special and what really counts this is it:

Psalm 139:14 ...i am fearfully and wonderfully made
Psalm 17:8 ...i am the apple of his eye
Deuteronomy 7:6 ...his treasured possession
Philippians 4:8  ...true, noble, right, pure, and lovely
Psalm 119:114 ...you are my refuge and my shield. i have put my hope in your word

currently

I'm watching: HBO's miniseries Mildred Pierce

I'm drinking: pumpkin chi tea ala a Pinterest crockpot recipe

I'm reading: Red Hook Road, by Ayelet Waldman and my eyes literally hurt from crying

I'm wearing: hot pink moccasins from Old Navy. Love at first sight.

I'm listening: The Black Keys album Brothers. Synthe, whistling, percussion: sold!

I'm eating: (see answer under obsessing)

I'm thinking: a nap needs to happen... a girl can dream

I'm avoiding: Writing an actual, possibly meaningful post... And cleaning!

I'm obsessing: All things butterscotch. I even have the 5lb bag of hard candy in my purse to prove it.

rock.paper.scissors.

Let me see... How to put this delicately? Hmmm. It's been a difficult time for me lately and not for any obvious reason(s) in particular. A few weeks back we realized Ben would need to head back to Missouri to help his parents pack and move to Florida. That's a post in the making right there.

Technically we just had to get him to there and he'd fly back. Initially I decided I'd drive him back and capitalize on an opportunity to travel "home" unexpected. As it got closer I felt more apprehension. So much was uncertain and I was/am really struggling with my health...and emotions. I backed out. Staying put seemed like the best option. I had things to do and I couldn't imagine anymore interferences.

I felt guilty everyday. I knew there were people that'd be disappointed if they knew what was going on. But on the other hand I just knew the place I'm at in "things". I bit my tongue and didn't tell anyone about the passed opportunity.

The afternoon before he was set to fly out it officially happened. I fell apart. There aren't enough words to describe the thoughts and feelings that we're flooding me. I needed to escape...immediately. I canceled his ticket and when he got home I informed him we're driving out tonight! I know he's been worried but obviously it wasn't too crazy cause he agreed. I called into work and we were off.

I was back for all of 36hrs and only managed to see a handful of people. It has a special place in my heart, as do the people and the memories. All of this was mostly about the drive. I'm not one to volunteer 28hrs in the car but it was very therapeutic.

Zoned out. Concentrated. Distracted. Cerebral. Distraught. All and I mean ALL of that.

I went back and forth with a lot of issues and though there isn't total clarity I managed a break. To those that I did see and couldn't help mention how visible sad I seem (Guess I won't be winning any Oscars.)... Well I'm sorry about the miserable company and I'm working on it.

cutting corners

I cut corners…and as often as possible. I'm a corner-cutter! I’m not a cheat or anything but it always seems like the best use of my time. I’m a check marker, goal getter, productivity bragger. I love the challenger of accomplishing as much as possible in an absurd amount of time. That’s a large part of what makes me a “morning person”.  By my experience most people aren’t which is why I get so much done at the crack of dawn. Less people, more completion. Watch out world!

I stroll in to work a quarter to eight (or earlier) high on my accomplishments of: recycle center, po box, grocery store, coffee shop etc… Allowing my co-workers to awe in my impressive feats. It’s embarrassing to confess I do this but it just started happening and snowballed past pride into a real problem. That problem is that being on fast forward isn’t allowing me to enjoy life and the chance to see it un-blurred.

I actually drive by people pulled over to take pictures every day. Guess it tends to happen when you live in a top vacation spot. But I’m too busy to give in to these breaks. At least that’s what I tell myself. I’ll complete and entire Saturdays “work” of errands before 10:30 in the morning. Some people might be jealous of that ability to condense time or just complete a single list. But it’s a slippery slope my friends.

A couple weekends ago I experimented with a change-up. I slowed down my momentum. Way down and gave into the unpredictable. Instead of bee lining to the car I read in the morning which is typically an evening activity and it totally shook the rest of the day up. I moseyed. I dillydallied. I literally took the scenic route. I pulled off at the scenic overlooks I pass every day and took pictures. Everything was absorbed appropriately. I felt fulfilled, more appreciative, and still accomplished. Granted, I didn’t finish until well in the afternoon but it was okay...and maybe even a little better than okay. 

re-repost

Does this happen to other people? I experience more issues related to redundancy than to actual writers block. Did I say that already? Have I used that: title, phrase, or topic before? It has actually kept me from posting a time or two. It goes back to that concern of what people think. A completely overrated-toxic- fact of life by the way…at least in mine.

I get frustrated with my personal level of concern for it. I figure if I throw this out now people will be reminded of my imperfectness and I’ll be granted pre-forgiveness. If that’s even a thing. As complex as I am as a person, I am also terribly predictable in some ways. I leap from emotion to emotion. Certain situations plague me continually. My sense of humor is steadfast. The same things that have always made me laugh and cry still do…My emotions aren't like taste buds.

We have favorite shirts and movies and fears that repeat throughout seasons or even a lifetime so obviously my inner thoughts and sharing might have a very French de-javu-y or plain old “she already said that” vibe. (I don’t know if anybody else caught my Sleepless in Seattle reference but now I need to watch it.)

I write what I think. And on that note, I write how I think. Bad grammar, poor punctuation. Guilty. Awhile ago I'd be mortified at the errors and go the extra mile to double check my "work". But it's not work and I'm not participating in a grading system or even originality contest. I'm learning the more I give into the point and the less I dwell on the "correctness" the more opportunity I have to be honest about myself.

This isn't coming off apologetic and it’s not supposed to. This is just a heads up that all my thoughts and feelings are original at the time. These aren't pre-written, manufactured posts. They’re current and personal and maybe seem recycled but still me. 

Phew, now that I said that I can start writing all that stuff you probably already know about. Just kidding…maybe. 

in the making...

I've said it before and of course about to say it again because it's crazy true...Cooking is my escape. As I mentioned a few days ago, I cried last week. Like a bunch. I was even concerned. It seems like the moment I figure out my quirks and kinks, enough to peacefully slip into a groove, I break down. The pieces don't fit. A cog is overly worn. The pressure becomes unbalanced and I crack a little bit more. I'm human and therefore I break. Nothing earth shattering here but it still manages to stop me in my tracks and try and remember how to put myself back together again.

I woke up to snow last Friday, and it was more than a dusting. No thing, cause I had to work so it didn't seem to matter much. However waking up to more snow on Saturday seemed extreme. Though it was cold and dark I was excited for a surprise distraction so my mind could shift it's focus.Ben had left at 3am to climb a couple of 14ners, so I knew I wouldn't see him until late that evening. Yes, I think he's crazy too.

I bundled up with a mismatch of items to set off for the store. The town was as quiet and beautiful as a post card. I sat in the car with my white hot chocolate completely mesmerized. I braved the cold an extra time to snap a picture of the serenity. As I took it all in I imagined what I wanted for my day. It was obvious. I wanted to create. I wanted to enjoy. I wanted to get back to basics.

I settled on making broccoli cheese soup and apple butter. The problem is I only own once crock pot so they'd have to take turns. I peeled, chopped, diced, stirred, canned, to my hearts content this weekend. I was flattered with complements. Pleased with success. Comforted with simple products that resulted in special memories. The endorphins were flowing. I even reworded a popular song, something to the tune of "Ain't no party like an apple butter party, cause and apple butter party don't stop...". I'm happy to report, I didn't cry this weekend. Not even once.

my day

part of a process

I cried a lot yesterday.
I just felt so utterly overwhelmed.
There's too much in the air.
I don't do well unsettled.
I prefer the ground.

Today's plan was to not not think so much.
I feel like I've tried this before.
Possible but more exhausting thank you think.
I kept myself so busy I'm practically dizzy.
If I'm lucky it'll help me rest.

The week is winding down.
Hoping to recover soon.
Maybe even get an answered prayer.

Niemen Markus lemonade

A few things you need to know...

One: I own multiple, (beautiful) glass containers that I've acquired over the years but it’s not something I actually have the space for.
Two: After shopping I transfer everything possible into said containers. It’s a downsizing method that looks nice and gets the recyclables out of the way.
Three: I sometimes get a little creative when trying to get rid of something that’s left in the pantry too long, otherwise known as “unwanted”.

Awhile back I tried to use up these sports drink mixes. I had the best of intentions, waste not, want not. It turned out to be a fail and Ben was on to me. He has yet to forget about that terrible concoction.

Fast forward to this weekend and I’m staring at two containers of lemonade in my fridge and realizing I have the perfect carafe to put them in. Hooray for saving space, improving aesthetics and putting a dormant item to functional use.

Later that evening I notice a puzzled look on Ben’s face as he’s getting a drink. He can’t decide if it’s our usually brand or a mix of something else. Even after drinking it he’s unsure. I refused to answer. It was like a taste test gone wrong because he couldn't decide if it was tainted.Conversation...

Ben: Is this the Niemen Markus lemonade?

Me: (laughing hysterically) What?!

Ben: You know the regular lemonade. The... The... What’s his name? The Paul Newman kind.

Me: It’s Newman’s Own.

Ben: That’s what I meant!

Me: I know!

Ben: Well is it?

Me: Yes, that’s what I keep telling you.

Ben: But is there other stuff in it?

Me: (walks away)

Attitude Adjustment 101

Woke up a little worse for wear this morning... Decided to creep down to the couch. Some days you know you have to physically remove yourself from the bed as so  as you eyes open or else you'll never get up. It's brisk, my bones are cold, my hair's frizzy and my throat is hoarse . I just keep thinking how much I'm dreading going into work... I'm decidedly going but still imagining why I shouldn't and all the reasons it's a fabulous idea.

I grabbed a blanket and a Pumpkin Pop Tart with the dogs on my heels. We burrowed in and I started to write. The problem. My tone was off. A little ungrateful, too cranky, super whiney and that just won't do.

I gave myself permission to close my eyes. Tired? Then rest. Before I knew it I was praying instead of sleeping. I flipped open my Bible and let the healing start, the motivation latch on, and the truth speak.

After that I migrated to Pinterest. I'm happy to report I only get on there a once a week or two. Not bad for a recovering addict, eh? I only checked out the Quotes categories, always good for a heartfelt laugh and guaranteed inspiration.

Reflection: I wish I spent more time at my best than at my worst. It's a slow process and it really helps to remember:

lamesauce

First off, I'm a rule breaker. Bloggin'n on the weekend and all. Tisk, tisk. Figured it would be good to sit down and type since I've been a bit absentminded. Mostly I've been preoccupied. I spent the better part of the week anxiously anticipating an opportunity, and the rest being mad at myself for not capitalizing on it.

It was a job interview and I'm not ready to talk about it. I know, so dramatic. Anyway, it got me prepping for all the dreaded questions, one of the most over analyzed being, "what is your greatest weakness." I know the right answer, textbook approved, that puts a positive spin on an otherwise trick question. But in my head, and heart, the true answer isn't what I talk about.

The truth. Self criticism. Currently it's at an endless flow. It doesn't take a lot either. A simple error in judgment or honest mistake and I'm completely disabled. My brain is restless and on continuous repeat. My body sick with frustration. I'm an understanding person, at least I feel that I am , but forgiving myself and moving on is so difficult.

I need sleep. I need a simple train of thought to flow without the sting of disappointment overshadowing my routine. I need a reminder. A hope. An accolade. A laugh. And maybe even a second chance. I need to keep moving and remember being needy sometimes is alright, and so are mistakes.

hypo-

Another check for the bummer column. I have blood draws and labs done on a fairly regular basis given my growing list of medical issues. Well I got a call that my thyroid is kaputz at present. He joked that it's on Craigalist looking for a new home. Just shot.

My existence has always been prefixed by hyper-. Expressive. Sensitive. Talkative. Thinking. Emotional. It's always been excessive, over the top and here I am relabeled. An underachiever in health.

Officially it's hypothyroidism. Basically hypo means under while hyper means over. Throw it in front of "active" and before thyroid and thats's me. Scientifically speaking hypothyroidism is a condition in which the thyroid gland does not make enough thyroid hormone. Common symptoms include:

• Hard stools or constipation
• Sensitivity to cold temperature
• Fatigue or feeling slowed down
• Heavier and irregular menstrual periods
• Joint or muscle pain
• Paleness or dry skin
• Sadness or depression
• Thin, brittle hair or fingernails
• Weakness
• Weight gain

And wouldn't ya know I am experiencing all of this things. My immune system has once again decided to turn on itself. As of today I'm on a new medication to revive my system. The dosage is fairly small while my next labs are monitored to determine the appropriate adjustment. This might be a liberating diagnosis that get things back on track so I'm cautiously optimistic.

switcheroo

I've been pretty resistant, I'm sure along with several others. But it's time to come to terms of the seasonal shift. I don't know why it's also hard this year. Despite the negative thoughts about the summer and it's limited appearance today and waking up to a snow dist this morning pushed me into high gear. I loved fall before it was cool.

I’m at complete piece about the move. It is truly glorious. I charged off to the store picking up every single seasonal item that caught my eye. All the Aspens are starting to do their thing, that shaking, golden, glittery dance they do. The air is crisp but not bitter yet. My wardrobe is headed for cozy. Anticipating wearing all my many, many boots that somehow seem to pull every outfit together. Comforting foods, warm drinks, this is the life.

I've switched out my Island Sands and Hawaiian Fruit candles for Pumpkin Spice and Hazelnut Cream. Goodbye for now Chamomile and Coconut tea, hello Hot Cinnamon and Pumpkin tea. It's happening whether I like it or not. Best part is that I do like it (a lot).

I'm ready for the buildup of celebrations and holidays. The anticipation of each that follow.Family birthdays and anniversaries will be abundant. The level of appreciation and thankfulness this goes through the roof. Ready to dive into my decorating box and exchange one wardrobe for another. It's here!

on the inside

Moon dinged, faded
The sky too pale too mind

Low tones

And the thoughts abundant
A pattern for life
Direction obscured
Surroundings magnified
Future uncertain

Lower

A shift in space
Room divided by plans
Sleep uncertain

at some point

Somehow it’s Wednesday and in the afternoon no less! I’ve had the best intentions of blogging without the opportunity. I even convinced myself to ditch sleep in order to get things done. Fail. I need sleep and being a slave to my list(s) just isn’t worth it.

My work life did not decide to cut me any slack and it’s been an endless array of emails, calls and stuff not worth typing about. What gives, man? Home life is total disarray but manageable. I always fail to give myself time to adjust- to pace, to attitude, to nothing. What can I say? I’m crazy like that…or maybe just slow learner.

Between Ben being gone a couple weeks back and then a vacation where a mess and there is no food in the house. Which is of course our biggest concern. The cupboards are bare and the shelves in the fridge are frighteningly visible. Last night I shrugged off the “everything else” in favor of doing load after load of laundry. As much as I don’t like laundry it’s one of the most satisfying things on the list because you can see the results. Don’t feel too bad though I watched two episodes of Homeland in the process, ya know, to stay positive.

To state the obvious, this is a non-post, post. I’m back. I’m home. I’m trying to catch up. We haven’t been settled in awhile with different things on the agenda so the peace is welcomed. I will say it’s good to be home. It’s comfort. It’s familiar. It’s imperfect. It’s ours.

down time

For many a years a vacation always needed to have an exotic flair and don,t get me wrong the beach is always calling. Time off and time away have really matured in these last few years. Changing gears and even scenery is so refreshing. I think because I'm constantly living life ahead of schedule... planning, stressing. Working at home working; at work; it has literally become necessary to become removed from my regular environment.

Sometimes I feel weary and don't even realize it until I breakdown or inevitably slow down. I was also a bit pathetic about being overdue for a trip. Reflecting back on this year proved me absolutely wrong. Though plans changed here and there we still made it to Missouri 2x, Florida, the Bahamas, Michigan and fingers crossed for an undecided trip October...Basically in hopes of warming up before winter hits. Almost all of these trips involved quality time with family and the friends a good as. Yeah, I'd say we've done pretty well for 2013 thus far.

As I type this on my break from my real world, I still think about the overdue library books, the patient I forgot to call back, returns, dirty dishes etc...but apprehension is faded and settling into a healthy pace. Another stamp on the passport and a nice tan would be fantastic but clothes that borderline pajamas, midday naps, pumpkin ice cream seem all those little things that feel so big in your heart seem to be working just fine.

getting back...later

Winding down from a needed, "just-right" trip... 

Returning back to everything else soon. 

Very soon... 

Too soon.

it starts now

Goodbye Colorado, hello Michigan. Ready to relax. Ready to indulge. Ready to reconnect. Ready. Set. Go.

au natural

Consider this an addendum.  I hate to blame society for my insecurities but there is something of a problem with the idea of natural verses oh, well… not. We work so hard to make the manufactured parts of our lives seem natural. We make purchases and watch tutorials to make our makeup appear like natural beauty.  We put on facades and brush off hours of work and effort to seem like nothing. We fight to seem effortless and natural in both our physical appearance and daily life, despite the imperfections and messy bits in both.  I doubt any of us, if so very few, have that au natural factor and state of affairs that we strive to pretend exists.

Why? Probably because it seems carefree. Maybe because it’s ideal. I’m sure we each have our reasons. I despise the feeling of inferiority. I want to be desirable. Envy can be enjoyable if you’re on the other end of it.

So all this comes to mind when we talk about the very essence of womanhood. As a woman I am expected to bare children. Motherhood is essential and there are so many alternatives these days but does anyone else feel the push that the “old-fashion” way is the best? A private matter. Just a husband and a wife. No additional medications. No fancy doctors.  No extra appointments and test.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I really did. I listened to friends discus breastfeeding vs. formula, natural birth vs. cesarean and so many opposing ideas. Well my path doesn’t seem optional. I'll put aside my reservations and if it takes prescriptions and procedures then we’ve decided we’re willing. 

speaking up

Words play a huge part in my life. I take painstaking measures to use the correct word in the proper way to describe something…especially when it comes to my feelings. I’m sure I’m a nightmare to talk to because I struggle to commit to certain words and how I feel about them all.the.time. I was at a doctor’s appointment over the weekend doing to some updates to my paperwork. You would have thought it was a pop quiz because I was having so much trouble deciding which boxes to check. They really cover everything imaginable which isn’t anything to but I debated with myself on what was worth mentioning and what was just in my head.

Some of my need for extra effort comes from being in the healthcare field and the other part is because- it’s me. I hovered over each question and role played what I thought would be the outcome of checking “said” box. I knew the questions that would follow. It might cause concern and will definitely lead to conversations I’m not ready to have.

It’s all part of that delusion that if I speak the words, have a real conversation about them, then the problem suddenly exist in the universe. Having inner monologues or brush off’s with friends is just chitter-chatter… Talking to my doctor and acknowledging my concerns leads to a diagnosis which is as official as it gets.

I don’t want real words with real meaning attached to them. The “i” word. The “d” word. The “w” word. Lots and lots of words and the additional complex on top of each. They must of seen my hesitation and the linger marks by a few I didn’t’ dare mark. I felt foolish and was fighting back tears the whole time. Luckily I was able to grab a Kleenex before they came in because I knew whether or not I wanted to we were going to talk about everything. (Which is why my doctor is so awesome, he knows me and knows I need the push.)

First things first, they brought up depression. I responded with “That’s a big word, maybe discouraged or frustrated would be something I’m more comfortable with.”  I know there are several kinds of depression and not all are long term but I can’t handle the thought of something else being wrong with me.

The next topic was my weight. Something is happening with it and it really scares me. My body has a plan of its own and I know something isn’t right. How rapidly it’s happening, where it’s happening, the reasons it shouldn’t be happening are all concerning. It’s never fun to talk about weight, unless you’re losing it, but throw in the added medical concerns and it’s a nightmare.

The whole appointment was leading up to the biggest, saddest word of them all: infertility. We’ve talked about it for some time now but never uttered the words. I think I’ve only said it maybe 3x in the last few years and the words hung on my tongue and I found myself thinking on them for hours afterword.

Though I was physically and emotionally exhausted after the visit I feel surprisingly hopeful. It’s suppressed joy... but now that my problems are “real” we have a new game plan and now can enter into a new phase in this journey.

Five on Friday

(one)
Persuasion. I've been crazy about this movie (and book) for years. I watch it every time Benny's away. I may have watched it more than once this week. It settles me and its so simple, no bells and whistles needed.

(two)
My doctor. I've had the same OB/GYN doctor for almost 8 years now. We have a very special relationship. He's seen me through a lot of heartaches, quiets so many fears, and remains very patient with me. I know he's not a magician or miracle worker but he is a great person. I've always been grateful for having him but I have another appointment tomorrow which reminded me how lucky I am. Though I'm not looking forward to the topics, I'm happy it'll be with someone that I trust so much.



(three)
This Duvet set.  I spotted this little gem during my Mindy Project marathon. I think I'm one of the only people that I know that actually pay attention to set decore and things like that will watching programs. It took a little digging but I found out it was sold out at Anthropology but I was able to find it Dwell Studios. It alleviates my two usual concerns: is it too juvenile for my age or is it too feminine for Ben. The only problem… The price tag.

(four)

Liz Lemon ice cream y'all. Confession yes I did buy it because of the name (and shouted Nerdz! in my head) but who doesn't buy things because of labels? So fun and I got lucky because it is absolutely delicious. Lemon frozen yogurt with blueberry lavender swirl... Uh yes, please! Coincidentally, I have been quoting her all week.

(five)
At home facials. I tend to do homemade mixes but the girly-girly in me always keep some of these pre-made ones on hand. They're nifty and from Target of course! Perfect after a long day or for any reason in particular really and yes I am wearing one as I type.

observational humor

Today when I should've been doing other stuff I decided to go get a manicure/pedicure. No surprise really, it's one of my favorite pastimes. I've been getting them fairly regularly since I was a teenager. I was there for total of two hours. Which is so crazy! I didn't get fake nails put on or anything. For the record, no, my feet are not that bad, she just took her time. Either way the pampering was awesome and I definitely had the time to just relax... sort of. The only low point was a serious cramp I had in my leg afterwards...

It wasn't in the usual cramp you get from fighting uncomfortably tickling scrub though. Oh man I get a Charlie horse just thinking about it! This was a new experience for me. Just a quick side note, It's amazing that I do these things because I really don't like to be touch. Like at all. And just another thing, real quick have you ever noticed that if you don't like something is he's always happen you?  For instance I'm terrified of snakes but I always seem to find them. Or should I say they find me? So of course because I don't like to be touched everyone tries to touch me it's super weird.

Anyway back on course… Well today  my foot brushing the ladies boob. I feel like this has happens to everyone at least one time and you have that awkward series of glances and adjusting angles afterwards...but this was repeatedly. Repeatedly. Why? Like seriously, why? My legs are not that long and generally their boobs are not that big so this should not be happening. It's almost physically impossible. Yet it went on longer than it should have. So given my good manners I decided to arch my foot a little differently to try to avoid the problem. Probably not my best idea because I have searing pain like a shin split now. We've got to figure this out before next time!

Because I know that you're wondering I actually got the French manicure because you never know I might get a job interview next couple weeks.  And for my pedicure I went with OPI's Monooner or Later. Which is a classy decision but a little odd for me. I always just planned on switching over to the reds, pearls and bronzes when I'm an "old" lady. I'm generally a bold and bright kind of girl so I having fun while I can still get away with it.